I was flipping channels and saw the movie "A Christmas Carol" and starting watching it...I used to hate watching that story to be honest. Something has changed....
Scrooge gets to look at glimpses of his past and milestone markers in his life. He gets a close up look at decisions and their subsequent consequences.
He takes a trip down memory lane with the past, present, and finally a look at his legacy and possible and most likely future. A valuable trip it is...for when he awakes it is as if he's been reborn. As he breathes in life to its fullest deeply into his lungs and accepts the gift of today for the amazing gift it is...he realizes finally it is more blessed to give than to receive. He is also in a place to bless others by doing just that. He is on a high so contrasted by his beginning miserly heart. The JOY radiates from him as to an unbelievable level for those who knew him...some wanting not to forgive his past...some not wanting to show kindness back to him now, yet undaunted he presses forward and stays in the JOY of his Christmas awakening.
He is a man given TRUE life.
But what of the name Ebenezer? Is that significant?
Ebenezer is actually a Hebrew name that translates to "stone of help" or anything that reminds us of God's presence and help. It becomes the standing stone or a place where a stone was stood on end as a reminder of something significant God did to help or aid the Israelites.
How fitting that Ebenezer's own life became a type of standing stone for giving and kindness, good nature, charity, deep family love....Ebenezer became an Ebenezer.... he fulfilled his name.....how I hope we all have such an ending...
.....I love that movie ending....
Throw open the shades and let the light of Christmas flood the windows of your soul..throw open the window and breath in the cold clean snowy air...help someone...share with someone...Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A Strangely Wrapped Gift
I received an unexpected gift this week. It actually is probably not what you are thinking. You see, it wasn't anything that someone physically gave me. At this time of year we can usually assume a gift is something that we receive....something that is wrapped up with wrapping paper and a bow.
Not this gift...
This gift was a friend that allowed me the opportunity to speak truth about his life...words that are simple and true. It cost me nothing but time. Time these days is very valuable to me and a precious commodity. I am working two jobs to make ends meet, so time is very scarce and precious. We can see some struggles so clearly when we have blazed a similar trail in our lives. Many times the trail is too close for comfort and so we avoid the pain and tell people the standard "we are praying for you". While I have no doubt that many actually do pray, many more do not and they just don't know what to say...it's OK though, I do understand.
Words...they can give life or they can crush the spirit. Unspoken words can snuff out the light of the soul. Dramatic--No! Words, spoken sincerely and from the heart allow us to connect in the purest form of community I know.
To touch some of that pain and not have all the answers but still speak from the heart...that was allowing me the gift of giving some of me. It allows me to redeem some of my own story and pain.
That was a gift for me..medicine for my heart. I am thankful ;)
Eucharisteo.
Not this gift...
This gift was a friend that allowed me the opportunity to speak truth about his life...words that are simple and true. It cost me nothing but time. Time these days is very valuable to me and a precious commodity. I am working two jobs to make ends meet, so time is very scarce and precious. We can see some struggles so clearly when we have blazed a similar trail in our lives. Many times the trail is too close for comfort and so we avoid the pain and tell people the standard "we are praying for you". While I have no doubt that many actually do pray, many more do not and they just don't know what to say...it's OK though, I do understand.
Words...they can give life or they can crush the spirit. Unspoken words can snuff out the light of the soul. Dramatic--No! Words, spoken sincerely and from the heart allow us to connect in the purest form of community I know.
To touch some of that pain and not have all the answers but still speak from the heart...that was allowing me the gift of giving some of me. It allows me to redeem some of my own story and pain.
That was a gift for me..medicine for my heart. I am thankful ;)
Eucharisteo.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Definition of a Veteran
A person who has had long experience in a particular field, esp. military service.....
A person who is long experienced or practiced in an activity or capacity.... I thought I would take this opportunity on Veterans Day to talk about an experience with a true veteran. He was very unassuming...short in stature, a rather kind, quirky old german man with a goatee and crooked teeth and a raspy voice. His hair was always gray and ruffled..and clothes a bit disheveled in appearance. He entered my life in tenth grad in Biology class to be exact. You see our regular teacher hated teaching, he despised his students and loathed class each day. After about 8 weeks of doing overhead slide after slide to teach he quit to go clean pools. Enter Paul Hahn. He was a career substitute teacher. I thought he was a rather odd bird. We all tried to rattle him as best we could. We would leave the pool cleaning hotline number for him and told him they were still hiring...hint. There were animal heads across the top of the classroom...biology..remember?! We put a picture of his head on the next spot in line..caption "Mr. Hahn...Class of 1913." He actually laughed deeply at that one..he would laugh at many of our jokes but still got to work to teaching us the material. One day he wasn't there. A new substitute came in and didn't really care for me, specifically my outward countenance and facial expression. In that one period he succeeded in telling me that "I would never amount to anything and that any student with my grades would never graduate college." I don't believe he was using reverse psychology..I think he never wanted to look beyond the facial expression and invest in knowing me. The next day I could not get the words out of my head and I was mulling it over...very hurt, more angry that I was judged by someone again without knowing me. I entered Biology class and was Mr. Hahn. He had me stay after class and wanted to know what was wrong. I opened up and told him of the previous day's fiasco. He grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes and said "of all the students in here Glenn, I believe in you. You are going to graduate college and you are going to do great things in this world. I believe in you....One step at a time...take the next step and line up your goals." Finally, someone was validating me without judging me...was this even possible that someone didn't feel threatened by my expressions and was willing to consider I have promise? Whether or not he really believed it--I'll never know and it doesn't matter...it was what I needed to hear from a veteran of life. He had life experience that I did not. He knew I needed some encouragement. It worked. I brought my grades in that class from a D to an A. I brought all of my classes up and became ranked in my class up to #141 of 1015. I remember going to him to share my success. He was not surprised, but he reminded me "there was more hard work and more successes ahead." Mr. Hahn encouraged me and that changed my life around. How I wish others could have a mentor enter their life at the right time to help guide them into the right direction. I worked hard at my night jobs and got my AA degree at the local community college. I called him to get together and have lunch at TGI Fridays to celebrate. I will never forget the proud look of approval on his face, no longer teacher and student but now mentor and friend who had seen part of what he saw in me now fulfilled. Mr. Hahn was a Veteran, a veteran of the German Air Force from WWII and came to our country immediately after the war and shared with me many stories of his life experiences, how he lost parts of his feet from freezing in a plane on a mission and came so close to death. I listened to stories of prejudice against him in every way yet he never became bitter or allowed those experiences to define who he was. There is so much more I would love to say about what I learned from him.....to honor his memory. In today's world I want to encourage others not to be too busy with your head down all of the time. There are opportunities to speak into other's lives...more than you realize. You never know who's life you could change. For me-- I needed to hear the actual sentence "I believe in you." For many others it is simply showing consistency in a world where broken homes provide nothing consistent. A veteran is someone with experience in a particular area....Please consider sharing some of that experience and looking beyond the surface of what you see in others...invest in others...it WILL change a life. |
Monday, October 17, 2011
Two Christmas Dinners
This past year has been an adventure in trusting God to provide. I try to trust him...then circumstances form mountains right before my very eyes and I doubt that God remembers me and my family. I remember going in for my shift at Costco...it was Dec 23rd...just one more day until Christmas....Christmas? Was it still coming to the Taylor house this year? What would we even have for dinner?
Still musing about this question...I headed for the end of my shift to my locker. I started walking my usual frantic pace as fast as my short legs can go...hoping to get out through the crowd quickly. So many full carts with hundreds of dollars of groceries and customers squeezing as many things in the cart as they can. I remember a day in the past when I would have done the same...how different those days look to me now in the rearview mirror of my life. This was the first night of working at Home Depot for the restocking the store shift.
I bumped into a co-worker from my department...let's call her "Kate" for this blog. Kate was scoping out the landscape and was waiting for me. "I just want to tell you that God has great things planned for you this week." My response...my eyes got real big and I was surprised she was talking about my life outside of work. "You have to keep the faith...so many people are looking to you to see how you are responding to what you are going through...your kids, the others you work with....everyone..you just never know who is watching and drawing strength and encouragement from you." HE has something great for you this week...There's more.....more than you expect or realize....."
I tried to believe she had a pipeline of good words straight from God and intended for me...I just wasn't certain I could hope that her words were true and a message of hope intended directly for me. I needed hope so I grasped onto the words and pondered them in my heart. As we got to the break room vouchers were given out to the full time crew for Christmas turkeys. One of my co-workers slipped me his voucher and tried to down play the gift by saying something about not liking turkey anyways.....Now I went back to the freezer and picked up a giant turkey that God had provided to feed us on Christmas...It was exciting. As I wrestled that giant turkey in my arms like a hunk of gold....I saw Kate yet again. She looked at the turkey and said...."That is only the start Glenn...he has a lot more gifts in store for you this week." The hope in my heart continued to grow...like a seed that now had some water and sunlight to feed it.
When I got to the break room again there was my Manager telling me to "take my turkey too...I still have the one they gave us for Thanksgiving..go ahead..you guys can use it." OK, now I had two huge blessings in tow...headed to the parking lot..this is crazy good I thought.....saw Kate yet again..she said "HE has a lot more in store for you this week....BLESSINGS."
I started to really believe in my heart that she knew something and if my faith wasn't strong enough I could certainly borrow some of hers........after all.....This morning my arms were empty and hope was gone......as I left Costco that day I had my arms full and my heart had an unshakable faith that God would provide.
I don't know how God speaks to you but when he speaks a message to me he usually hits me from multiple angles to make certain I am listening. He hit me with a message again quickly...
I pulled up home after Home Depot and was about to share with Michelle the Turkey story and Kate's words that God has blessings coming...before I could get the story out she handed me a paper with highlighted words. "Kelly Hope wrote this for you and wanted you to have this today." Now my kids are past the age of writing cute little drawings...so this was out of the norm for me. I stared at the words on the paper...it said..the words in caps are highlighted on my sheet in red and stand out...notice the first line.....
You need to EAT what he provided
SHARE what he has given and
LOVE what he has cherished...and PRAY
God is GOOD
God is GREAT
He is filled with FORGIVENESS and GRACE
Worship HIM now!
I thought...I will eat what he provided, I will share with others (like what had been done for me), and I will worship Him now....I lifted up my hands to the heavens...(something that has never come easy from my strict baptist upbringing I guess). There can be only one response to the God who provides...lifting up our hands in gratitude.........only He would provide a double portion to let us know he is there and he can do what he wants to get our attention. I shook holding the paper and began to unpack the story of the whole day to Michelle. I looked at her with full conviction "something's going on here and I believe there are blessings coming..not next week...but NOW. GET READY"
More to come........
Still musing about this question...I headed for the end of my shift to my locker. I started walking my usual frantic pace as fast as my short legs can go...hoping to get out through the crowd quickly. So many full carts with hundreds of dollars of groceries and customers squeezing as many things in the cart as they can. I remember a day in the past when I would have done the same...how different those days look to me now in the rearview mirror of my life. This was the first night of working at Home Depot for the restocking the store shift.
I bumped into a co-worker from my department...let's call her "Kate" for this blog. Kate was scoping out the landscape and was waiting for me. "I just want to tell you that God has great things planned for you this week." My response...my eyes got real big and I was surprised she was talking about my life outside of work. "You have to keep the faith...so many people are looking to you to see how you are responding to what you are going through...your kids, the others you work with....everyone..you just never know who is watching and drawing strength and encouragement from you." HE has something great for you this week...There's more.....more than you expect or realize....."
I tried to believe she had a pipeline of good words straight from God and intended for me...I just wasn't certain I could hope that her words were true and a message of hope intended directly for me. I needed hope so I grasped onto the words and pondered them in my heart. As we got to the break room vouchers were given out to the full time crew for Christmas turkeys. One of my co-workers slipped me his voucher and tried to down play the gift by saying something about not liking turkey anyways.....Now I went back to the freezer and picked up a giant turkey that God had provided to feed us on Christmas...It was exciting. As I wrestled that giant turkey in my arms like a hunk of gold....I saw Kate yet again. She looked at the turkey and said...."That is only the start Glenn...he has a lot more gifts in store for you this week." The hope in my heart continued to grow...like a seed that now had some water and sunlight to feed it.
When I got to the break room again there was my Manager telling me to "take my turkey too...I still have the one they gave us for Thanksgiving..go ahead..you guys can use it." OK, now I had two huge blessings in tow...headed to the parking lot..this is crazy good I thought.....saw Kate yet again..she said "HE has a lot more in store for you this week....BLESSINGS."
I started to really believe in my heart that she knew something and if my faith wasn't strong enough I could certainly borrow some of hers........after all.....This morning my arms were empty and hope was gone......as I left Costco that day I had my arms full and my heart had an unshakable faith that God would provide.
I don't know how God speaks to you but when he speaks a message to me he usually hits me from multiple angles to make certain I am listening. He hit me with a message again quickly...
I pulled up home after Home Depot and was about to share with Michelle the Turkey story and Kate's words that God has blessings coming...before I could get the story out she handed me a paper with highlighted words. "Kelly Hope wrote this for you and wanted you to have this today." Now my kids are past the age of writing cute little drawings...so this was out of the norm for me. I stared at the words on the paper...it said..the words in caps are highlighted on my sheet in red and stand out...notice the first line.....
You need to EAT what he provided
SHARE what he has given and
LOVE what he has cherished...and PRAY
God is GOOD
God is GREAT
He is filled with FORGIVENESS and GRACE
Worship HIM now!
I thought...I will eat what he provided, I will share with others (like what had been done for me), and I will worship Him now....I lifted up my hands to the heavens...(something that has never come easy from my strict baptist upbringing I guess). There can be only one response to the God who provides...lifting up our hands in gratitude.........only He would provide a double portion to let us know he is there and he can do what he wants to get our attention. I shook holding the paper and began to unpack the story of the whole day to Michelle. I looked at her with full conviction "something's going on here and I believe there are blessings coming..not next week...but NOW. GET READY"
More to come........
Thursday, October 13, 2011
What Gives Us Hope
I was interviewing a potential cashier for my fast food chain job last night. These are minimum wage jobs and I ask for a lot from my employees for the wage that they make. This woman "Sam" we will call her was in to interview. Our process includes an online test that measures sound judgement before the formal interview can take place. So many times people lie so badly about simple things...it can get you cynical so that you are jaded when you get to a person with genuine answers. She was genuine.
Sam has five children and works at the McDonalds across the street from my store. She is the drive thru cashier for them that makes everything run so well. She stepped right up and introduced herself with a warm smile and a firm handshake. Our store guidelines say we should hire candidates that smile right through the drive thru speaker....well she fits that perfectly. She won't even discuss the full story of what has her dissatisfied with her current employer..it isn't all money or hours...more about trust and respect. The first step in building any quality team--most business books will say "build trust with the team." The word is out on the streets now-especially in the projects on 12th Avenue that our store is moving in the right direction and one manager in particular is trustworthy to do what is promised. The knowledge of this for her can mean hope...hope that she can become a master cashier and make $2.00 per hour more....hope that she could become a production master cook as well and attain .50/hr more. Sam is willing to give up her first shift status in order to have a shot at making more for her family and giving them a better life and future. All she wants in return is respect and a few Sunday mornings to attend church with her children.
Really, listening to her and agreeing to give her that was easy from my side. Keeping my word will build her trust for me and the team. This is the goal...help find out what gives her hope.
Sometimes I believe my life is difficult and I am searching for hope daily. When we are forced to slow down and not plan our lives any further out than that day and that hour, it actually forces us to live more simply and trusting God more. I can trust Him....or I can pay it lip service that I trust Him. Really, in life there are no other options than trusting in Him. Today was a simple thing, but so much anxiety. We have no money for clothes for Haileigh and she has no fall pants. My wife Michelle was thinking this morning about how we need to get her clothes and God--can you provide a way?
When Michelle went to watch children at church this morning (just 1 of her many jobs) one of her coworkers had a bag full of pants and some were Haileigh's size! Michelle's reaction when she told me at home was recounting trying not to worry just this morning and about how God answered right away. Sometimes he answers so quickly and has the wheels turning long before we even ask...yet other things he can seem so silent. Where do we find that hope..our hope daily?
For those like Sam working in a dead end job with a big warm smile treating those she serves so beautifully so she can provide for her family. My life has never been as hard as food stamps and living in the projects...yet she finds hope to get up yet again each day. What a statement her life makes to others...
Sometimes throughout the past two years I have had mornings where my hope is lost, displaced or worn down...dragging my body up...growling when I look at my worn face in the mirror.....wondering at times what statement my life really makes......yet...
Jeremiah 29:11 promises
Sam has five children and works at the McDonalds across the street from my store. She is the drive thru cashier for them that makes everything run so well. She stepped right up and introduced herself with a warm smile and a firm handshake. Our store guidelines say we should hire candidates that smile right through the drive thru speaker....well she fits that perfectly. She won't even discuss the full story of what has her dissatisfied with her current employer..it isn't all money or hours...more about trust and respect. The first step in building any quality team--most business books will say "build trust with the team." The word is out on the streets now-especially in the projects on 12th Avenue that our store is moving in the right direction and one manager in particular is trustworthy to do what is promised. The knowledge of this for her can mean hope...hope that she can become a master cashier and make $2.00 per hour more....hope that she could become a production master cook as well and attain .50/hr more. Sam is willing to give up her first shift status in order to have a shot at making more for her family and giving them a better life and future. All she wants in return is respect and a few Sunday mornings to attend church with her children.
Really, listening to her and agreeing to give her that was easy from my side. Keeping my word will build her trust for me and the team. This is the goal...help find out what gives her hope.
Sometimes I believe my life is difficult and I am searching for hope daily. When we are forced to slow down and not plan our lives any further out than that day and that hour, it actually forces us to live more simply and trusting God more. I can trust Him....or I can pay it lip service that I trust Him. Really, in life there are no other options than trusting in Him. Today was a simple thing, but so much anxiety. We have no money for clothes for Haileigh and she has no fall pants. My wife Michelle was thinking this morning about how we need to get her clothes and God--can you provide a way?
When Michelle went to watch children at church this morning (just 1 of her many jobs) one of her coworkers had a bag full of pants and some were Haileigh's size! Michelle's reaction when she told me at home was recounting trying not to worry just this morning and about how God answered right away. Sometimes he answers so quickly and has the wheels turning long before we even ask...yet other things he can seem so silent. Where do we find that hope..our hope daily?
For those like Sam working in a dead end job with a big warm smile treating those she serves so beautifully so she can provide for her family. My life has never been as hard as food stamps and living in the projects...yet she finds hope to get up yet again each day. What a statement her life makes to others...
Sometimes throughout the past two years I have had mornings where my hope is lost, displaced or worn down...dragging my body up...growling when I look at my worn face in the mirror.....wondering at times what statement my life really makes......yet...
Jeremiah 29:11 promises
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Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Can't Shake This Moment
I had really decided on writing something different than what tonight's blog is about. Life just framed a moment for me I'll never shake....
I was sitting in the middle of a moment where my wife was firmly yet lovingly laying down the law with my daughter.....she was explaining the discipline firmly yet with a loving open tone....It was something to behold. You might be saying..oh yeah...what is so special about that? I'll tell you this, I did not grow up with love and reason and concern like what I saw. When you add in the trials from the past two years, and her working two jobs...homeschooling our other daughter and this is not a recipe for what the finished product I witnessed.
When you really love your child and you want so much good for them..to give them a future and a hope, you can pray...try your best...make plans, but really something unplanned always seems to hit you--right in your best made plans. The enemy knows weak points and hits them right on cue to rob us from peace and joy.
Firm yet she stayed calm through the chaos, loved through the calamity..stayed focused and went right on loving her the right way...shared her heart in a beautiful way that seemed to be heard and received.... probably the way our heavenly Father looks down on us and corrects us but still firmly yet with love--looks past the calamity and loves us....
One chaotic situation that ended with uncharacteristic peace in the Taylor household at least for tonight....Those of you who know me know that PEACE is my biggest desire from life. Thank you God for a wife who cares, who keeps trying no matter how tired she is, who loves us well. Thank you for your unexpected gift of peace tonight.
I was sitting in the middle of a moment where my wife was firmly yet lovingly laying down the law with my daughter.....she was explaining the discipline firmly yet with a loving open tone....It was something to behold. You might be saying..oh yeah...what is so special about that? I'll tell you this, I did not grow up with love and reason and concern like what I saw. When you add in the trials from the past two years, and her working two jobs...homeschooling our other daughter and this is not a recipe for what the finished product I witnessed.
When you really love your child and you want so much good for them..to give them a future and a hope, you can pray...try your best...make plans, but really something unplanned always seems to hit you--right in your best made plans. The enemy knows weak points and hits them right on cue to rob us from peace and joy.
Firm yet she stayed calm through the chaos, loved through the calamity..stayed focused and went right on loving her the right way...shared her heart in a beautiful way that seemed to be heard and received.... probably the way our heavenly Father looks down on us and corrects us but still firmly yet with love--looks past the calamity and loves us....
One chaotic situation that ended with uncharacteristic peace in the Taylor household at least for tonight....Those of you who know me know that PEACE is my biggest desire from life. Thank you God for a wife who cares, who keeps trying no matter how tired she is, who loves us well. Thank you for your unexpected gift of peace tonight.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"the one who remembers"
I'll admit it...I have a support network...a support men's group. I need those men. They are my true friends in the battle. They help me see things the right way...they help me to remember things. More on that thought in a moment....
I can forget so quickly my true identity in Christ and my attributes that are really true about me. Why do we forget things so easily? Even David in the Psalms talks about "forgetting the good things he has done" and "have you forgotten me?" , and "how long will you forget me?" "has God forgotten to be kind?", and "I forgot about his power". Hey if David can forget things about God when he was used and led so mightily throughout his life then there might be hope for me yet. I think mostly I forget about God being with me and beside me and in me because they were always just words. "Christian--speak"..a phrase I learned at church with no connection behind it.
Back to the meeting....I went hoping to continue to find my voice and process more of my past....
What I received was yet another reminder I am not alone. A big fear of mine is that I will wind up alone if people really knew the real me. The truth is that I am not alone.
At my moments of strongest fear comes this song.....It's from Audio Adrenaline..."Leaving 99"
here is a link to listen to the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
It really speaks to me because growing up I really was forgotten at times and was very alone. I did my best to deal with that reality but at some point in my mind I was forsaken and forgotten...the emotions "switch" in my heart was shut off...disconnected and shorted out. This might not be uncommon for many people who suffer abuse. Hey, we all need to get through somehow so I shut that part off to persevere and get through.
Looking back at the whole situation I know now where I went wrong in dealing with that situation. I understand my defensiveness and how it grew out of the fact that I had my voice taken away at home and how sad and terrifying home life was for someone with as many fears as I had. Then the defensiveness grows to anger as self protection at home and not allowing anyone in...especially if they had hurt me or wronged me. Next mix in school and peer pressure and being teased for not fitting in and being in fights over my defensive attitude..are you kidding me? I am being abused at home and this is my response and now some kids want to beat me up because my attitude was simply trying to protect myself. What a vicious cycle...a circle of defensiveness destined to stay that way forever.
I never learned to forgive.
I never gave up my right to revenge...revenge against those who teased me, those who wanted to beat me up, those who beat me that should have protected me...many, many people...none forgiven. My heart was dead.
How does someone that has been forgiven for so much, that calls himself a christian have no idea what true forgiveness means? My heart was shorted out...self protection ruled...no forgiveness.
This is a tragic reality because in truth I am a man of deep sympathy and compassion for others --a man who encourages others....and the enemy hit me with so many arrows--bulls-eyes designed to take out my heart before I was old enough to know these truths about myself.
When I went to Ecuador on a missions trip I saw some glimpses of what my heart should have been...I received a Defibrillation shot in the chest with those paddles that started my heart...for a moment anyways. When I went to Katrina relief in Gulfport, MS I received another heart starting throttle. Sometimes we have to bottom out, really bottom out to the worn path we know and have made work for us in order to find the new path we were meant to travel all along.
What power there is in forgiving...it takes the power away from all those who had hurt me and the revenge I sought....for years. It was a dose of good cleansing medicine as I thought over each person, each wrong and forgave them. The weight was lifted off of my shoulders...and it was a heavy weight. The power that was held over me was gone.....Hey I am still a little scared and awkward socially, but my heart is reconnected and alive and in the right place. I am finding that voice I was intended to have and encouraging others wherever I am.
"I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Phillipians 3:13...now Paul says he tries to forget the past...tries to forget things.
Yes I was forgotten by others, but God was there with me...He wanted me to know what it was like to be forgotten..what it felt like...the pain, the loneliness, the sadness....even the anger. I think He will use all of it in some way. He already has called me to remember some of that....I want to make certain no one else is forgotten...nobody else feels left behind. This I do know--God is the one who remembers....He is writing this story and He is the hero.
He did leave 99 to find me...he pursued my heart when I was lost in bitterness and defensiveness. He will use everything that happened to me as if it were his plan all along.
...so I thought I was at my meeting last night for my reasons....instead God had a friend come up and ask about my daughter's home schooling and that friend is pursuing some books and needed materials for us. That friend did not have any way to know to ask about the home schooling...that it was a burden for Michelle and I. God continues to surprise me with how he lets me know He knows what has been burdening me. I think it's just another way to continually remind me that He has not forgotten me.....that he hears me and sees me.....Another friend called me just at a very big moment in my week...why did he call? His message.... "I just wanted to call and remind you that you are not alone." What a great message....-a message again that God knew I needed to hear at that moment.
Me.....I forget things...but God...He will always be "the one who remembers"
I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone
when You say..
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away,
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
I can forget so quickly my true identity in Christ and my attributes that are really true about me. Why do we forget things so easily? Even David in the Psalms talks about "forgetting the good things he has done" and "have you forgotten me?" , and "how long will you forget me?" "has God forgotten to be kind?", and "I forgot about his power". Hey if David can forget things about God when he was used and led so mightily throughout his life then there might be hope for me yet. I think mostly I forget about God being with me and beside me and in me because they were always just words. "Christian--speak"..a phrase I learned at church with no connection behind it.
Back to the meeting....I went hoping to continue to find my voice and process more of my past....
What I received was yet another reminder I am not alone. A big fear of mine is that I will wind up alone if people really knew the real me. The truth is that I am not alone.
At my moments of strongest fear comes this song.....It's from Audio Adrenaline..."Leaving 99"
here is a link to listen to the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
It really speaks to me because growing up I really was forgotten at times and was very alone. I did my best to deal with that reality but at some point in my mind I was forsaken and forgotten...the emotions "switch" in my heart was shut off...disconnected and shorted out. This might not be uncommon for many people who suffer abuse. Hey, we all need to get through somehow so I shut that part off to persevere and get through.
Looking back at the whole situation I know now where I went wrong in dealing with that situation. I understand my defensiveness and how it grew out of the fact that I had my voice taken away at home and how sad and terrifying home life was for someone with as many fears as I had. Then the defensiveness grows to anger as self protection at home and not allowing anyone in...especially if they had hurt me or wronged me. Next mix in school and peer pressure and being teased for not fitting in and being in fights over my defensive attitude..are you kidding me? I am being abused at home and this is my response and now some kids want to beat me up because my attitude was simply trying to protect myself. What a vicious cycle...a circle of defensiveness destined to stay that way forever.
I never learned to forgive.
I never gave up my right to revenge...revenge against those who teased me, those who wanted to beat me up, those who beat me that should have protected me...many, many people...none forgiven. My heart was dead.
How does someone that has been forgiven for so much, that calls himself a christian have no idea what true forgiveness means? My heart was shorted out...self protection ruled...no forgiveness.
This is a tragic reality because in truth I am a man of deep sympathy and compassion for others --a man who encourages others....and the enemy hit me with so many arrows--bulls-eyes designed to take out my heart before I was old enough to know these truths about myself.
When I went to Ecuador on a missions trip I saw some glimpses of what my heart should have been...I received a Defibrillation shot in the chest with those paddles that started my heart...for a moment anyways. When I went to Katrina relief in Gulfport, MS I received another heart starting throttle. Sometimes we have to bottom out, really bottom out to the worn path we know and have made work for us in order to find the new path we were meant to travel all along.
What power there is in forgiving...it takes the power away from all those who had hurt me and the revenge I sought....for years. It was a dose of good cleansing medicine as I thought over each person, each wrong and forgave them. The weight was lifted off of my shoulders...and it was a heavy weight. The power that was held over me was gone.....Hey I am still a little scared and awkward socially, but my heart is reconnected and alive and in the right place. I am finding that voice I was intended to have and encouraging others wherever I am.
"I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Phillipians 3:13...now Paul says he tries to forget the past...tries to forget things.
Yes I was forgotten by others, but God was there with me...He wanted me to know what it was like to be forgotten..what it felt like...the pain, the loneliness, the sadness....even the anger. I think He will use all of it in some way. He already has called me to remember some of that....I want to make certain no one else is forgotten...nobody else feels left behind. This I do know--God is the one who remembers....He is writing this story and He is the hero.
He did leave 99 to find me...he pursued my heart when I was lost in bitterness and defensiveness. He will use everything that happened to me as if it were his plan all along.
...so I thought I was at my meeting last night for my reasons....instead God had a friend come up and ask about my daughter's home schooling and that friend is pursuing some books and needed materials for us. That friend did not have any way to know to ask about the home schooling...that it was a burden for Michelle and I. God continues to surprise me with how he lets me know He knows what has been burdening me. I think it's just another way to continually remind me that He has not forgotten me.....that he hears me and sees me.....Another friend called me just at a very big moment in my week...why did he call? His message.... "I just wanted to call and remind you that you are not alone." What a great message....-a message again that God knew I needed to hear at that moment.
Me.....I forget things...but God...He will always be "the one who remembers"
I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone
when You say..
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away,
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Second Chances
I work in the ghetto. My employees all have sad stories that go with them everywhere. They have hard lives, much more difficult than mine.
Today's story to share is about an employee...we'll call him Patrick. I saw Patrick start work at my company while I was in management training class. He was rough around the edges when I first met him and there was always a certain sadness about him...like a dark cloud.
Pat and I have been working many late night hours and I have been pouring training time one on one with him to attempt to get him a raise and make his life better...a point that he seems to really "get". I am really only supposed to train the cashiers...but I have most of my people trained and he needs someone to give him a chance.
One of our late night talks brought up how Pat is on probation. He has to meet with his parole officer regularly. This is very common for my employees and I have gotten used to certain jargon that is part of their difficult lives. Pat lives in the projects and many people who live there are second generation dwellers...in other words..they were born into this mess and know no other life. In order to make money so he "could be somebody" he turned to being part of a gang and selling drugs. Being a part of a gang is common as well and sometimes protects their loved ones...it is protection.
Pat began dealing drugs and made a better life for himself by cutting out emotions for others for many years. To see him now---you would never believe that statement. Pat made some bad decisions and ended up in prison. He was in a car chase running from the law and his drug dealing.
In prison Pat made a good decision. Pat has many skills as I have discovered. He is a top flight car mechanic with natural aptitude for assembling and diagnosing auto problems. Pat decided when he got out he would leave his gang---a brave decision that would put him at odds with old friends. He decided to be a good father---a courageous decision that he has no pattern or example to follow. Finally, he decided to use his mechanic skills to help others. Pat told me "I want to use my skills to help others...I've been given a chance to make up for some things...that's what I want...to make things right."
Pat has a big heart and it shows...in fact..I would bet money that God's name for him Is HEART. I am so proud of him coming to work at a low paying job with only the thought of his girl and his 14 month old sweet little daughter. He shares his knowledge with others and helps me train others now. He shares his talents and changes his neighbors oil or does bodywork whenever possible. He gives everything he has to others...his time, his talent, and his treasure.
Today is Pat's birthday and I am sure that God is looking down at Pat and proud of his choices this past year....God is a God of second chances for all of us. I can only hope to make Him proud by making good decisions like Pat.
Today's story to share is about an employee...we'll call him Patrick. I saw Patrick start work at my company while I was in management training class. He was rough around the edges when I first met him and there was always a certain sadness about him...like a dark cloud.
Pat and I have been working many late night hours and I have been pouring training time one on one with him to attempt to get him a raise and make his life better...a point that he seems to really "get". I am really only supposed to train the cashiers...but I have most of my people trained and he needs someone to give him a chance.
One of our late night talks brought up how Pat is on probation. He has to meet with his parole officer regularly. This is very common for my employees and I have gotten used to certain jargon that is part of their difficult lives. Pat lives in the projects and many people who live there are second generation dwellers...in other words..they were born into this mess and know no other life. In order to make money so he "could be somebody" he turned to being part of a gang and selling drugs. Being a part of a gang is common as well and sometimes protects their loved ones...it is protection.
Pat began dealing drugs and made a better life for himself by cutting out emotions for others for many years. To see him now---you would never believe that statement. Pat made some bad decisions and ended up in prison. He was in a car chase running from the law and his drug dealing.
In prison Pat made a good decision. Pat has many skills as I have discovered. He is a top flight car mechanic with natural aptitude for assembling and diagnosing auto problems. Pat decided when he got out he would leave his gang---a brave decision that would put him at odds with old friends. He decided to be a good father---a courageous decision that he has no pattern or example to follow. Finally, he decided to use his mechanic skills to help others. Pat told me "I want to use my skills to help others...I've been given a chance to make up for some things...that's what I want...to make things right."
Pat has a big heart and it shows...in fact..I would bet money that God's name for him Is HEART. I am so proud of him coming to work at a low paying job with only the thought of his girl and his 14 month old sweet little daughter. He shares his knowledge with others and helps me train others now. He shares his talents and changes his neighbors oil or does bodywork whenever possible. He gives everything he has to others...his time, his talent, and his treasure.
Today is Pat's birthday and I am sure that God is looking down at Pat and proud of his choices this past year....God is a God of second chances for all of us. I can only hope to make Him proud by making good decisions like Pat.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Forgotten?
Sometimes life really hurts..it hurts way deep down and we can't touch the pain or make it go away. Yes God is still beside us and with us but the path we are on seems endless and it feels like we are all alone. There are stories in our lives that bring pain and kill peace and joy. I know where those stories and attacks come from but they still pierce me right through. There are words that even though I believe they are not true, they wound on top of old scars anyways.
The path sometimes looks hopeless and endless...what then? I call on the Holy Spirit..."please help me", "it all hurts so bad." Has God forgotten me?
I grew up in the middle of a big family and sometimes I was forgotten...those who didn't create chaos and wanted to hide from physical abuse---perhaps it was good to be forgotten at times.
When the family you grew up in was so dysfunctional and twisted that it's not safe to share the memories....
When my past disqualifies me from leading my family in the present...
When I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel....
The voices in my head won't give me peace....
The people around me are suffering and I feel I cannot provide help or answers....
When it feels like God has bigger fish to fry than my circumstances....
but......
God did provide a way out for his people when he divided the sea...
God cared about a wedding enough to provide more wine....
God cared about a little man named Zachaeus, small in stature, hated tax collector for the Romans, despised....that he pursued and changed his heart...and loved him,
I could name a million reasons I should have hope because God pursued others and cared about minute details in their lives....
He knows us all by a personal name that he has given to each of us.....and he loves us
God is the hero of this story...his way will appear, he will appear...
His perfect peace is in my heart as the tornado called life continues to swirl about me. Outer peace can be robbed--and this always used to make me so angry.... but my trust although I waiver (only human)...that trust provides my peace that He promised.
I don't have any neat little bows or quips to tie this one up...life is messy and the pain is real...perhaps you too are barely hanging on, although I really hope not.
1 Peter 5:7
I am barely hanging on as I write this, yet I trust His heart that he loves me and hasn't forgotten me.
The path sometimes looks hopeless and endless...what then? I call on the Holy Spirit..."please help me", "it all hurts so bad." Has God forgotten me?
I grew up in the middle of a big family and sometimes I was forgotten...those who didn't create chaos and wanted to hide from physical abuse---perhaps it was good to be forgotten at times.
When the family you grew up in was so dysfunctional and twisted that it's not safe to share the memories....
When my past disqualifies me from leading my family in the present...
When I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel....
The voices in my head won't give me peace....
The people around me are suffering and I feel I cannot provide help or answers....
When it feels like God has bigger fish to fry than my circumstances....
but......
God did provide a way out for his people when he divided the sea...
God cared about a wedding enough to provide more wine....
God cared about a little man named Zachaeus, small in stature, hated tax collector for the Romans, despised....that he pursued and changed his heart...and loved him,
I could name a million reasons I should have hope because God pursued others and cared about minute details in their lives....
He knows us all by a personal name that he has given to each of us.....and he loves us
God is the hero of this story...his way will appear, he will appear...
His perfect peace is in my heart as the tornado called life continues to swirl about me. Outer peace can be robbed--and this always used to make me so angry.... but my trust although I waiver (only human)...that trust provides my peace that He promised.
I don't have any neat little bows or quips to tie this one up...life is messy and the pain is real...perhaps you too are barely hanging on, although I really hope not.
1 Peter 5:7
I am barely hanging on as I write this, yet I trust His heart that he loves me and hasn't forgotten me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Stories to Share
Stories...we all have one. We may not be even cognizant of our own story but we wear it on our faces, in our body language...pieces of our story leak out of our life and into others lives.
Tonight I went to the grocery store with my daughter to get flowers for my wife's birthday. As I was waiting my turn for help from one of the staff, I was listening and watching as the grocery store clerk Carmen was helping another customer. She took the flowers and added that those special touches that made the bouquet come to life. The man customer was ecstatic with the end gift he was now taking home like a prize. Now it was my turn. I commented to her what a great job she had done with the previous customer's order and asked her how she was doing. "I am tired..." she said and she got a little sad. I told Carmen I was tired too, and talked about my two jobs. When I spoke about that she seemed surprised and began to feel safer to really talk about her jobs and why she is so tired.
Carmen began to talk with me about her son and how he was starting school today. It was his first day of college. She is tired because she works cleaning houses from sunrise until midday. The second part of her day is going from cleaning to Publix Markets and working until 11 PM. As I dug in deeper into her life she began to feel safe enough to tell more of her story. "When my son was a young boy I had a daughter also and they were both very sick. We had just moved here from Mexico and I did not know five words of english---nothing!" "I took them to the hospital." She started tearing up...her daughter died that night...she never said those actual words...she didn't have to.....She said she has two boys now, and her daughter was nine, but now and made a motion of fluttering and gone with her hands. Her son was so haunted and moved by the whole experience and lack of ability to communicate that he has wanted to become a doctor since that night. He wants to make sure that nobody is left without healthcare but also someone who can talk to the patients families in many languages. "He knows English, Spanish and French" she said now getting a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"I am working hard now so that he can make smart choices and live his dream. "It is a good dream" she said. Yes I said, it is also very noble. She seemed to think about it and nodded in agreement, "yes-noble". He has a good dream I said, the noble comes from YOU. "You are working hard to give the chance for hope"....I realize most parents will sacrifice for the sake of their children but when it stares you in the face it is no less remarkable each time you witness it.
She finished wrapping and baby's breath and I smiled "Esta muy bonita...gracias Seniorita Carmen" (it is beautiful, thank you Miss Carmen). A big smile appeared..."you speak Spanish!". Yes un pequito (a little). "God bless you Carmen" I said, quite certain He has blessed her, and He will in the future.
There was a day not too long ago that I wouldn't have engaged a stranger in any conversation...and it would have been my loss. Just a little part of her story came out this evening. Heartache, Perseverance and Hope. That is Carmen's story to me. Her trials became a blessing to a complete stranger.
Stories...we all have one....makes me wonder what the message is I am sharing with strangers.
Tonight I went to the grocery store with my daughter to get flowers for my wife's birthday. As I was waiting my turn for help from one of the staff, I was listening and watching as the grocery store clerk Carmen was helping another customer. She took the flowers and added that those special touches that made the bouquet come to life. The man customer was ecstatic with the end gift he was now taking home like a prize. Now it was my turn. I commented to her what a great job she had done with the previous customer's order and asked her how she was doing. "I am tired..." she said and she got a little sad. I told Carmen I was tired too, and talked about my two jobs. When I spoke about that she seemed surprised and began to feel safer to really talk about her jobs and why she is so tired.
Carmen began to talk with me about her son and how he was starting school today. It was his first day of college. She is tired because she works cleaning houses from sunrise until midday. The second part of her day is going from cleaning to Publix Markets and working until 11 PM. As I dug in deeper into her life she began to feel safe enough to tell more of her story. "When my son was a young boy I had a daughter also and they were both very sick. We had just moved here from Mexico and I did not know five words of english---nothing!" "I took them to the hospital." She started tearing up...her daughter died that night...she never said those actual words...she didn't have to.....She said she has two boys now, and her daughter was nine, but now and made a motion of fluttering and gone with her hands. Her son was so haunted and moved by the whole experience and lack of ability to communicate that he has wanted to become a doctor since that night. He wants to make sure that nobody is left without healthcare but also someone who can talk to the patients families in many languages. "He knows English, Spanish and French" she said now getting a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"I am working hard now so that he can make smart choices and live his dream. "It is a good dream" she said. Yes I said, it is also very noble. She seemed to think about it and nodded in agreement, "yes-noble". He has a good dream I said, the noble comes from YOU. "You are working hard to give the chance for hope"....I realize most parents will sacrifice for the sake of their children but when it stares you in the face it is no less remarkable each time you witness it.
She finished wrapping and baby's breath and I smiled "Esta muy bonita...gracias Seniorita Carmen" (it is beautiful, thank you Miss Carmen). A big smile appeared..."you speak Spanish!". Yes un pequito (a little). "God bless you Carmen" I said, quite certain He has blessed her, and He will in the future.
There was a day not too long ago that I wouldn't have engaged a stranger in any conversation...and it would have been my loss. Just a little part of her story came out this evening. Heartache, Perseverance and Hope. That is Carmen's story to me. Her trials became a blessing to a complete stranger.
Stories...we all have one....makes me wonder what the message is I am sharing with strangers.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
the True Atheist
I have an acquaintance..well, I guess you'd call him a friend. Let's call him Jack for this blog. I really didn't intend to become friends...I just kept crossing paths with him. God does that sometimes. Of course I kept hearing that Jack was a self professed atheist. I thought God was having me cross his path to help him. Ha....wrong guess.
This man is intelligent, well spoken, kind, passionate about his causes, well connected in the political and local community...and well...a true friend.
I have gone through some challenging job situations the past five years. There were times I was so low I couldn't have even spoken about the circumstances with anyone. Jack would still call me to see how I was...ask me what my job strategy was, blurt out a string of endless connections he was calling on my behalf, calling local department stores and talking to managers about me, and even just telling me to meet him and eat something together....I don't know how to put all of the things he did for me into words. When I was even slow to call back, he never took it personally...just kept pursuing. At a time I was afraid to go out because the whole world was busy as usual moving faster and faster. (To all of you who helped me and my family during that/this time period please do not be offended...we would not have survived without you and your stories and friendship are important to me as well!). I was just amazed that someone who I felt barely knew me was so willing to reach out and help and would not take no for an answer.
I found myself looking at Jack and realizing his life and attitude were embodying everything I wanted to emulate as a christian. He didn't ask..he just did. He never said "if you need anything call me"...he seemed to know I wouldn't call because things were very desperate and I still wasn't calling anyone. He encouraged me verbally at different times. His mind was working a few steps ahead of mine but he wasn't holding that over me. I started to realize his life and attitude were more what I would characterize as "christian" than mine was. It was a selfless and simplistic approach. Jack was certain of what he believed. I thought I knew what I believed but here I was in the middle of chaos and not trusting God. I have problems trusting someone to come through for me and not feeling forgotten. Because of this intense fear, I do not wait for God to come through. I have found ways to "short circuit" His plan many times and I am certain I have also short circuited suffering and blessings alike. Without truly trusting God I realize I am the true atheist.
We are far from being on the other side of this mountain in our lives because really big challenges and events are like that, they go on for what seems like forever. I really appreciate what Jack has meant to me personally...a phone call every now and then can be so big.
Why write about this now? Jack left me a message this past week... sounded like we talk every day "hey I have a few other people I'd like you to meet, had a few other ideas...just want to see how you are and where you are at." Jack once told me something that I have held onto as hope. He said "you just need a small opportunity to show what you can do and I really believe you will really shine."
I really believed when I first met Jack a few years back and found out he was an atheist that God might use me to lead him to the light. What I found is that God reflects his light from many places. It's a dark world out there and God will use who he wants to spread that light.......it all comes from one source...HIM
...how ironic the message Jack is spreading...
This man is intelligent, well spoken, kind, passionate about his causes, well connected in the political and local community...and well...a true friend.
I have gone through some challenging job situations the past five years. There were times I was so low I couldn't have even spoken about the circumstances with anyone. Jack would still call me to see how I was...ask me what my job strategy was, blurt out a string of endless connections he was calling on my behalf, calling local department stores and talking to managers about me, and even just telling me to meet him and eat something together....I don't know how to put all of the things he did for me into words. When I was even slow to call back, he never took it personally...just kept pursuing. At a time I was afraid to go out because the whole world was busy as usual moving faster and faster. (To all of you who helped me and my family during that/this time period please do not be offended...we would not have survived without you and your stories and friendship are important to me as well!). I was just amazed that someone who I felt barely knew me was so willing to reach out and help and would not take no for an answer.
I found myself looking at Jack and realizing his life and attitude were embodying everything I wanted to emulate as a christian. He didn't ask..he just did. He never said "if you need anything call me"...he seemed to know I wouldn't call because things were very desperate and I still wasn't calling anyone. He encouraged me verbally at different times. His mind was working a few steps ahead of mine but he wasn't holding that over me. I started to realize his life and attitude were more what I would characterize as "christian" than mine was. It was a selfless and simplistic approach. Jack was certain of what he believed. I thought I knew what I believed but here I was in the middle of chaos and not trusting God. I have problems trusting someone to come through for me and not feeling forgotten. Because of this intense fear, I do not wait for God to come through. I have found ways to "short circuit" His plan many times and I am certain I have also short circuited suffering and blessings alike. Without truly trusting God I realize I am the true atheist.
We are far from being on the other side of this mountain in our lives because really big challenges and events are like that, they go on for what seems like forever. I really appreciate what Jack has meant to me personally...a phone call every now and then can be so big.
Why write about this now? Jack left me a message this past week... sounded like we talk every day "hey I have a few other people I'd like you to meet, had a few other ideas...just want to see how you are and where you are at." Jack once told me something that I have held onto as hope. He said "you just need a small opportunity to show what you can do and I really believe you will really shine."
I really believed when I first met Jack a few years back and found out he was an atheist that God might use me to lead him to the light. What I found is that God reflects his light from many places. It's a dark world out there and God will use who he wants to spread that light.......it all comes from one source...HIM
...how ironic the message Jack is spreading...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Ugly Beautiful
It is 4 AM and I am in line outside of the temp labor location downtown. They are lining up already catching a smoke thinking about what they need to do to get work today. The faces all have a different story. We are waiting for the location to open standing in the darkness. At 6AM we move inside the building and wait for our name to be called. A work safety tape plays an endless loop of background noise for us. I had heard Americans were lazy and we would rather be on unemployment. Really?! Someone forgot to tell these forty people that story. As time rolls it is 7 AM before the first assignments are given out. Then 730 rolls along. The longer we go waiting a quiet desperation of resignation fills the room.
Finally my name is called. I jump up quickly like I've won the lottery. "You are going to do tires today" the dispatcher says. This is a four hour job at a tire warehouse unloading all of the tires on a 53' tractor trailer for about $25.00 that saps all of the strength I can muster. About an hour into the job I wonder as I am breathing so heavy and the truck over 120 degrees hot...will I make it Lord? In the end soaking wet and wondering if I could do it again if I have to. Will I? Of course I will if that is what my family needs to eat tonight....That is why all of those people lined up.
Next day I am chosen for a week long assignment with some others. It is a chance to give thanks for this day, for what God has provided...work for today!
In my past I never would have ventured downtown to this part of the city, let alone work here and hang with my fellow workers...listen to their stories. So many sad stories, so much ugliness....but that is not where this ends, not for any of us. The story turns when I realize our part of the story where we messed up bad...the part I believe I am unforgiveable......this is my punishment....maybe this is punishment for all of us here?
No, I hear a small voice tell me "no." This is a consequence but not a punishment. I read again "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." These people are all God's creations...all with stories..but not terrible stories like I first thought in my head as I listened. These are stories of courage, finding strength where there should be none, heroics. It is what Ann Voskamp would call the ugly-beautiful.
As I talk with a co-worker on the way back to get paid that afternoon and he talks to me about what he sees in me, my character. "You doin' things right when the boss aint lookin' " he says. Really? God sending me a message here and now? Why am I surprised? He has not forgotten me. I have been told a little something about my character today in the middle of this tough situation...this yuck....I have been seen and reminded a glimpse of what I am, who I am and who I am becoming. Why is it I am not witnessing about Christ..why am I not openly encouraging others here like this man?
Sometimes God uses the ugly things in all of our lives and cooks up a new recipe with it. It is not always what we say, what we plan and contrive to do as a witness for Him. His recipe calls for a dash of hard work, a pinch of pain, a sampling of remorse, an embrace of grace and a heaping helping of thankfulness. It all equals a finished recipe we could never have pictured and never would have chosen. It also plays right into the journey of becoming who He always intended and when I realize that...I am even more thankful. Being thankful for what He has provided each day makes me feel different inside.
Finally my name is called. I jump up quickly like I've won the lottery. "You are going to do tires today" the dispatcher says. This is a four hour job at a tire warehouse unloading all of the tires on a 53' tractor trailer for about $25.00 that saps all of the strength I can muster. About an hour into the job I wonder as I am breathing so heavy and the truck over 120 degrees hot...will I make it Lord? In the end soaking wet and wondering if I could do it again if I have to. Will I? Of course I will if that is what my family needs to eat tonight....That is why all of those people lined up.
Next day I am chosen for a week long assignment with some others. It is a chance to give thanks for this day, for what God has provided...work for today!
In my past I never would have ventured downtown to this part of the city, let alone work here and hang with my fellow workers...listen to their stories. So many sad stories, so much ugliness....but that is not where this ends, not for any of us. The story turns when I realize our part of the story where we messed up bad...the part I believe I am unforgiveable......this is my punishment....maybe this is punishment for all of us here?
No, I hear a small voice tell me "no." This is a consequence but not a punishment. I read again "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." These people are all God's creations...all with stories..but not terrible stories like I first thought in my head as I listened. These are stories of courage, finding strength where there should be none, heroics. It is what Ann Voskamp would call the ugly-beautiful.
As I talk with a co-worker on the way back to get paid that afternoon and he talks to me about what he sees in me, my character. "You doin' things right when the boss aint lookin' " he says. Really? God sending me a message here and now? Why am I surprised? He has not forgotten me. I have been told a little something about my character today in the middle of this tough situation...this yuck....I have been seen and reminded a glimpse of what I am, who I am and who I am becoming. Why is it I am not witnessing about Christ..why am I not openly encouraging others here like this man?
Sometimes God uses the ugly things in all of our lives and cooks up a new recipe with it. It is not always what we say, what we plan and contrive to do as a witness for Him. His recipe calls for a dash of hard work, a pinch of pain, a sampling of remorse, an embrace of grace and a heaping helping of thankfulness. It all equals a finished recipe we could never have pictured and never would have chosen. It also plays right into the journey of becoming who He always intended and when I realize that...I am even more thankful. Being thankful for what He has provided each day makes me feel different inside.
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