The unspoken thief of those plans are anxiety and depression. You see that is one of my daughter's diagnosis...anxiety and depression. Medication can keep you from dropping off an emotional cliff, but it can't force you to enter into the mainstream and exist with dreams like other children. It can't help you to see your strengths, gifts and opportunities ahead of you.
There are times I ache so desperately inside. I grew up with a mom that faced deep battles with depression-disappearing for long stretches of time--hills and long valley of deep depression. Instead of making me more compassionate, it makes me want to yell "snap out of it--pick yourself up and get back in the game--your whole future lies ahead." It makes me feel responsible for bringing this genetic mishap into the mix...it makes me ashamed of my own family history and what it has spawned. Perhaps other family members or my brother's or sister's children have also suffered--maybe in silent agony, I just don't know...no one has spoken it--and so I agonize with Michelle and also alone in part--praying for a healing, praying for relief for her...hoping for a better life for her--real life, just a normal life--whatever normal is or could be.
I think part of me will never truly know the depths of what deep depression can do. I do know that one of the visible consequences is that instead of seeing the opportunities---like her beautiful singing, musical talent and love for performing and sharing that musicality, she will dwell on the immediate drama or doom of whatever is going on in any friend's life. It is admirable to feel empathy for a friend, but is is unbearable to feel a responsibility to help or fix the situation at all costs and be able to do anything else other than dwell constantly on that issue.
I long for so many things like any dad would...for my daughter to have dreams...for her to have a good and caring network of real friends--even one--who could lovingly speak truth into her life where she would listen and accept it. I want her to graduate high school and go on to college...to own a coffee shop is one of her dreams and to perform there as an artist. So many dreams...but the lack of being able to see through today's pain to the dream that is in reality so close if she works hard and can begin to focus in on some of the dreams. What is the key to getting her to see the dreams more than today's self caused drama...what causes today's immediate issue to loom larger than any good that is seen by her mom & I so plainly?
I have prayed so often over her room...where so much pain and loneliness has grown larger instead of the friends presence or God's own presence. I have asked for healing or understanding but I feel inadequate of gaining either as we travel this journey.
The unspoken thief of depression and anxiety is that it is rarely mentioned for adults...let alone a younger age group. There is no real understanding within the church or christians that would welcome sharing this burden...or come along side for the journey--something that would be so welcomed. When a hospitalization happens once, everyone in our lives is concerned...twice, "that's a shame", but by the multi-time visit the story is old and too much weight for the average connection in life to really ask and be willing to listen. We know it and others that are aware--just can't take it on.
In the rare case that someone in our lives really asks and seems to want to listen we are more than willing to share like my wife did with a kind soul at work the other day. It seems like a gift straight from heaven to share some weight and lighten her burdened soul. I feel the aging of the whole situation as a heavy weight on my soul --feel it in my chest, my shoulders, feel it across my burdened forehead.
I know we are invited to live transparently and it is something I believe in deeply and attempt to do with those who walk this path with me. It is not something I take lightly. I have watched Michelle grow so much and share in the same way...it is powerful growth, and gold that she gives to others by doing it as well.
God-- if this is the path you intend for Kelly Hope--I am with you in the heartache to the end and I know you will walk along my side and even carry me with your strength if needed. If there is a lesson for me to learn or Kelly I pray we learn it--in your timing--and we gain the gold from the scars. If you truly ache when we ache and you cry the tears with our burdened souls--then I pray for compassion and that a corner is not only turned but that you turn it upside down to where she can help others with crossing these deep waters. Lord every fiber in me groans..I pen these words from the tears of a dad who aches for their sick child. I don't understand and I want her healing. I do trust you--I trust in your plans--this is put to the test. I have seen your plans in my own life --plans that are better than anything I could have hoped for or dreamed--and I have seen your true favor poured out on me. I ask for this favor portion be given to her in my place. I lay this out before everyone Lord...my pride, our privacy, our fears, our aching, the imperfect brokenness of imperfect people trying so hard to just live a quiet and kind existence--just normal--just PEACE. Yes the desperate goal of peace. We want so badly for you to show up--you are the hero of the story and I believe you will show--you will show when you are ready for the next chapter to be written. How I pray for strength to accept that chapter you are about to write. I know you promise you see every tear--and they are falling so often and deeply from the heart...I quiver like a child with deep sobbing.
I know there is so much heartache in the world...this should be barely a blip on the radar of the world. The school has written her off...society is writing her off...these are the perfect odds for you--this is when no one else can take credit--only you. Save this drowning girl and allow her to become a lifeguard in turn to help a future drowning soul.
