Esau moment for Father's Day

 One of the biggest issues in society today is the problem that men--yes dads do not affirm their sons...they give no blessing to send them out into the world.  It's a sad and dismal failure that I have personally witnessed over generations. The critical moment comes and there is silence where affirmation and blessing should take place.

The mere fact that men don't realize this is proof to how far we are from where we should be.

In honor of father's day I need to stand up and speak the truth regarding fathers today and this travesty.

There was a time when I was younger...about 20 years old.  I longed to hear some words from my dad.  I wanted his approval and blessing so badly--craved to hear some affirming words from him.  I wanted to hear something about my working hard and putting myself through community college without debt and moving on to the four year college, or about being the first in my family to get their degree...really I would have accepted almost anything he could have said --if only I could have heard something at that critical moment...but alas it was crickets. I remember the hollow ache deep inside.

As the years began passing I tried to set him up-- leading him to the juncture so he could "spike it" with some words or phrase, but he never took the lead and gave me what I longed for.  He never told me I had what it takes to be a man...and as that's what I needed-- it remained unfulfilled.

As I unpack that wounding and I observe and listen to so many other stories of people who have touched my life--dad's are a hot topic.  Their words have the power to bless but so many times have had the power to tear down.

I loved hearing stories from my dad about growing up.  He talked working at a soda fountain at the corner drug store.  He traded some good times for responsible work ethic.  I don't know everything about him but I do know his mom's words were more plentiful and meaningful in his life.  His own father "Harold" had no words for him.  So my dad went out without the blessing he longed for and started blazing his own trail with no tangible words of guidance or sage wisdom to be shared.

One of the stories that captivated my imagination was my grandfather "Harold" and his dad "Joseph" (great grandfather). They lived on a farm in south Jersey in a town called South Denisville.  Not much there but Jersey tomatoes, peaches and other vegetables...and lots of mosquitos.  Well as the story goes Harold takes the train to Cape May to attend high school and come home on weekends.  When he gets to the age of eighteen--the age a boy looks for affirmation of his growth that he is becoming a man--he does not receive his blessing...rather he receives the words "Harold, this farm ain't big enough for the both of us."  And so we discover how and why my family's roots headed through to Philadelphia in our journey.

I also realized just another generation that missed "it." It--as in the opportunity to affirm, and bless---and to launch that young man into the world with the confidence of who he is.

I can see the baton has been passed over and over--yet in the wrong way. Repeating the same mistakes and silence at critical junctions where a man's words would bring life to his son.

I wonder what type of man my dad would have been had he received those words he needed.  Maybe it would have changed our whole family's trajectory and story.  Instead of trading in his jovial outlook on life--for responsibility and playing it safe...perhaps he would have dared greatly and it would have changed so much.

This brings me to fast forward.  My dad was lying in bed at a nursing home on a ventilator when I went to him and told him "I forgive you dad..."...I released him from everything growing up.  I didn't really mean it at the time, but I wanted to...and he was gone from this world a week later.

Today as I look out into the distance-- so many men still act like small children floundering in their own brokenness and are unable to provide the words so desperately needed because they never received those themselves.

It's time to break the chain, stop this pathetic cycle.  This father's day I want to give back to dad--his Esau moment...the moment he needed and should have had. If I had the power I would let him hear this loud and clear...nothing about me--this is about healing...

Ken---you have what it takes!!! You are more than enough.  You are kindhearted and fun  loving...you are a good provider and tender caring husband to Dorothy.  You will take kids in and give them a future and a hope.  As my daughter recalls, your deep laugh bellows out and chokes out all other sound--swallowing it up and inviting others to laugh with you.  You love your American Indian heritage as a badge of honor. You enjoy any activity where you can provide fun for your children. Your whistle is the loudest and yet carries tunes better and with more joy-than anyone I have ever met. You are the Whistling Chief and "Friend to All." You are a man amongst men, and you are free to be these things that you are and that you bring to the world. I miss you Dad.

Happily I have seen some of my brothers break the cycle and pass on a different legacy than the one we inherited.  It is AWESOME to see those Scars become our Gold.
This father's day I pray that this gives you permission and the courage--especially if you never received those words yourself that you needed....to lay that down and forgive (yes forgive what was never spoken and never asked for your forgiveness), and to break the cycle and start your own legacy.

 Give the power of your own words to others...give them the words you always wanted to receive...what a spin on an Esau moment it would be if men stood up and not only affirmed their children and blessed them (the future generation)...but in the same moment could forgive and thus be part of the healing of the past generation as well.  Now that would be a generation of fathers I could only wish to be a part of...

the Power of a few words

 I was lost in my busyness...too busy to look up from my work.  A shadow was growing larger and someone had invaded my office space.  Their body blocked the light coming in from the hallway and I couldn't focus in at first.

"I came to ask how your daughter is doing?" said the man. It was Rob, a man with a very interesting story and journey of his own...from working in our warehouse to now working in customer service.  He's someone who is always cool and always friendly and we've been friends since I was first introduced to him.  He has a very positive outlook on life and it pervades outwardly to others.

I looked around, stopped pounding the computer keyboard and started to tell him how we've had some challenges and issues with my daughter with anxiety and depression and then I had to stop.  You see, Rob found out a few months back his beautiful 16 tear old daughter has brain cancer.

He has had to find the strength to be a rock from first shocking diagnosis to treatments of chemo at a hospital center in Memphis.  He would log his work shift, turn around and drive the 3-4 hrs run to be with her...his little girl and his wife, only to run back as daybreak approached to be back for work and do it all again. He has had to manage the details of caring for his other children.

Recently his family found out that the chemo had shrunk the cancer to half it's original size and so they operated and got about 80% of the tumor.  They are continuing chemo and praying for her daily. This has been an astounding turn around from the bleak original diagnosis and yet--still there is far more of a difficult journey to endeavor.

In light of Rob's challenges and struggles my own situation looked like nothing.  Here was a man putting aside his own fears and struggles and coming halfway around the building just to ask me how my daughter was doing.

I was floored that someone could do that--and set their own struggles aside.  I have faith...and I say that I trust God for the outcome...and here was someone showing me how that's done.

It was a short interaction with a big lesson on faith.  I think rather than beating myself up on this one I'll take this lesson and try to pass it on. Because I know Rob's story and everything he's been going through--it makes this an inspiring act of selflessness and empathy I won't soon forget.