The mere fact that men don't realize this is proof to how far we are from where we should be.
In honor of father's day I need to stand up and speak the truth regarding fathers today and this travesty.
There was a time when I was younger...about 20 years old. I longed to hear some words from my dad. I wanted his approval and blessing so badly--craved to hear some affirming words from him. I wanted to hear something about my working hard and putting myself through community college without debt and moving on to the four year college, or about being the first in my family to get their degree...really I would have accepted almost anything he could have said --if only I could have heard something at that critical moment...but alas it was crickets. I remember the hollow ache deep inside.
As the years began passing I tried to set him up-- leading him to the juncture so he could "spike it" with some words or phrase, but he never took the lead and gave me what I longed for. He never told me I had what it takes to be a man...and as that's what I needed-- it remained unfulfilled.
As I unpack that wounding and I observe and listen to so many other stories of people who have touched my life--dad's are a hot topic. Their words have the power to bless but so many times have had the power to tear down.
I loved hearing stories from my dad about growing up. He talked working at a soda fountain at the corner drug store. He traded some good times for responsible work ethic. I don't know everything about him but I do know his mom's words were more plentiful and meaningful in his life. His own father "Harold" had no words for him. So my dad went out without the blessing he longed for and started blazing his own trail with no tangible words of guidance or sage wisdom to be shared.
One of the stories that captivated my imagination was my grandfather "Harold" and his dad "Joseph" (great grandfather). They lived on a farm in south Jersey in a town called South Denisville. Not much there but Jersey tomatoes, peaches and other vegetables...and lots of mosquitos. Well as the story goes Harold takes the train to Cape May to attend high school and come home on weekends. When he gets to the age of eighteen--the age a boy looks for affirmation of his growth that he is becoming a man--he does not receive his blessing...rather he receives the words "Harold, this farm ain't big enough for the both of us." And so we discover how and why my family's roots headed through to Philadelphia in our journey.
I also realized just another generation that missed "it." It--as in the opportunity to affirm, and bless---and to launch that young man into the world with the confidence of who he is.
I can see the baton has been passed over and over--yet in the wrong way. Repeating the same mistakes and silence at critical junctions where a man's words would bring life to his son.
I wonder what type of man my dad would have been had he received those words he needed. Maybe it would have changed our whole family's trajectory and story. Instead of trading in his jovial outlook on life--for responsibility and playing it safe...perhaps he would have dared greatly and it would have changed so much.
This brings me to fast forward. My dad was lying in bed at a nursing home on a ventilator when I went to him and told him "I forgive you dad..."...I released him from everything growing up. I didn't really mean it at the time, but I wanted to...and he was gone from this world a week later.
Today as I look out into the distance-- so many men still act like small children floundering in their own brokenness and are unable to provide the words so desperately needed because they never received those themselves.
It's time to break the chain, stop this pathetic cycle. This father's day I want to give back to dad--his Esau moment...the moment he needed and should have had. If I had the power I would let him hear this loud and clear...nothing about me--this is about healing...
Ken---you have what it takes!!! You are more than enough. You are kindhearted and fun loving...you are a good provider and tender caring husband to Dorothy. You will take kids in and give them a future and a hope. As my daughter recalls, your deep laugh bellows out and chokes out all other sound--swallowing it up and inviting others to laugh with you. You love your American Indian heritage as a badge of honor. You enjoy any activity where you can provide fun for your children. Your whistle is the loudest and yet carries tunes better and with more joy-than anyone I have ever met. You are the Whistling Chief and "Friend to All." You are a man amongst men, and you are free to be these things that you are and that you bring to the world. I miss you Dad.
Happily I have seen some of my brothers break the cycle and pass on a different legacy than the one we inherited. It is AWESOME to see those Scars become our Gold.
This father's day I pray that this gives you permission and the courage--especially if you never received those words yourself that you needed....to lay that down and forgive (yes forgive what was never spoken and never asked for your forgiveness), and to break the cycle and start your own legacy.
Give the power of your own words to others...give them the words you always wanted to receive...what a spin on an Esau moment it would be if men stood up and not only affirmed their children and blessed them (the future generation)...but in the same moment could forgive and thus be part of the healing of the past generation as well. Now that would be a generation of fathers I could only wish to be a part of...
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