From the time I was very young I had learned hard lessons regarding friends...they leave, they betray, they bring pain.
When I was in second grade my best friend--Scott St. John...we played little league-learned baseball together, hung out at his house after school (for a few years), watched TV, ate snacks...I thought we were best friends. We had a disagreement and he chose to be someone else's best friend. It hurt, but I moved on.
I began hanging out with Norman Hughes. Norman was an odd kind of kid...in the cool circle yet didn't really care about that status. We used to hang out fishing in the creek near his house. It was a new development so it wasn't very built up. We would catch fish and crayfish and put them in this gigantic tank under the back of his house near the basement. The tank was the length of the basement...or so I remember it. He never had a mother around, just him and his older sister. Funny--I never thought that to be odd...after all, my own mother would disappear in depression a few days at a time...so it wasn't strange at all. He was soft spoken about things...had black eyes or bloody or bruised face many times. I thought it was because he was a fighter...he was as it turned out, but only because his dad was beating him up. We had talked about running away, living in the woods and being free from the fear of beatings, living free---it sounded so good.
I went on vacation mid July camping with my family that summer between third and fourth grade. When we finally returned I rode my bike to see him and hang out. No one answered the door. The house had a sold sign on it and they were gone. I never saw or heard from my friend again. I remember the awful sick feeling deep in my gut and the utter loneliness and deserted feeling I felt.
I had another friend named Scott Burton. We hung out all through 4th grade through 8th grade...I mean every day. I escaped the craziness of my own home by hanging at his place. We camped out, built forts in his attic, built things in his basement, fished together and spent a lot of time hanging out. One night on the way to rollerskating he and the other kids in the car were talking about their Catholic faith and I mentioned something about "why do we need a priest when I can pray right to God directly?" It was an honest question from not understanding his whole faith. I found out how serious this was of a question as he lunged onto me and was choking me right there in the car. Many things flashed through my mind--mostly how could we spend years as friends and then it was gone in a moment? He never spoke to me again.
In High School I didn't have any friends to start with so I began hanging with this kid that wanted to be my friend Jim Williams. The problem was he was always looking to cut class and stay at home watching the new ESPN channel, and drink from his parent's licquor cabinet. I was about as far from all of these things as I could be--although I did like cutting class now and then.
I allowed Jim to be a friend in my life although he used things against me. One morning I was at the airport waiting for the plane to take our band to a competition in Disney World Florida. My girlfriend broke up with me--she told me she was with Jim now. Wow--super kick right to the gut on that one. Friendship is not worth this I thought--never again will I allow this to happen. It stole some of my kindness and any innocence I had left in my heart.
Fast forward a few years and again I had a really good friend Ken Gray. We were going to community college together and working multiple jobs to pay our way. Ken was a hard working guy and understood a good work ethic. He had been hanging more with some guys that weren't serious about their education. I knew I had to be serious...it was my only way out in life. He started hanging with that forementioned Jim.
We stopped hanging out...
Later at the end of spring semester I saw him. I was on my way to burger king to work on my motorcycle (honda 250 custom) and he was headed on a date. He told me he was back on track with school and a little conversation convinced me he was serious. He asked if I wanted to meet him the next morning to register for our second year classes. I said sure--sounds like a plan. We agreed to talk the next morning.
On my way home from work late that night around 2:30 AM there was an accident on the road I was headed down. There were many police cars, sirens and equipment, ambulances working at the accident scene. It turns out my friend Ken was fighting for his life trapped in the wreckage of that car.
The next morning someone called me and told me he was gone. My best friend was gone. I have had dreams and nightmares since that time, but always have felt a loss of his presence in my life.
...my son's middle name is named after Ken. He was so happy go lucky in a serious world and full of life. He was a one of a kind...like my son Grant.
Fast forward many more years...I finally had allowed myself to trust and begin a friendship. I think many times men hang with other guys...or do activities. I'm not convinced that this means they are friends--friends in a kind of way that if your life was turned upside down you could call them in the middle of the night.
I had a friend John that has walked by my side the past few years. There were times I didn't know if I could make it one more step or 5 more minutes in life. He spoke truth to me, sometimes it hurt...sometimes he wasn't always right, but he did know me very well...the scary kind of being known...knew my flaws. I say scary because in my history those flaws were pulled out at inopportune times that were used then as weapons against me. They were hits that found their way below my defensive armor and wounded me in the heart. It also taught me never to trust--men could not be trusted. I set up a very defensive persona that worked for the first 45 years of my life.
John was a true brother...through my job working in Memphis, working in the inner city...he often slowed down my thinking and convinced me to "take the next step" whatever that was at the time. Some of the best advice I ever received.
There is something about a man that has traveled some of the same shared road together. There is something credible if someone shares my story with me, and also has been beaten or had to deal with the fear that brings. I like to think we know from the look what we have in common.
Anyone that thinks that means I was at peace then...sorry-no fairy tales...working through the past is just that--work. It is the bridge to stepping back into the present in a new way. A refocussing on the future. Now I had a glimpse of the future.
Last July I was on vacation--something rare to be off from my multiple jobs and I was in North Carolina with my wife's family. The caller was John. He was telling me he was moving to Atlanta. I knew this sick feeling in my gut well. It was like I was kicked there and could feel all of the old bruises from the past as well. This one wasn't betrayal...it wasn't death...but it hurt all the same.
I know it's frowned upon to admit friends and brothers in life mean that much. We are supposed to be strong as men and never be emotional with these type of situations.
Cell phones...test messaging...and email keep us up to date. There have been many late night calls both ways when we deal with life emergency situations with our children, our jobs and anything else that is a crucial part of life. Neither of us is perfect...dropping the ball at crucial times. I still know enough now to say difficult things--that is what a true friend does.
In my life I have tried to shy away from actually having a close friend and have tried to be self sufficient in all things. I thought I was doing good as a loner. I have learned that even through the pain of failures and betrayals...that friendship is something core to us.
Now truth that may make you roll your eyes--but think about this...The trinity is a threesome--as close as it gets. They are the ultimate model of brotherhood--each unique--and yet submitted and committed to one another as brothers for all time. I believe it is modeled for us because they all know something about us they are sharing...we are relational to our core.
Anything that is worth anything in this life--will have to be fought for. Friendship is one of those things.
Friendship is a gift...one to be valued and never taken lightly.
It is a piece of light from above...
