I had really decided on writing something different than what tonight's blog is about. Life just framed a moment for me I'll never shake....
I was sitting in the middle of a moment where my wife was firmly yet lovingly laying down the law with my daughter.....she was explaining the discipline firmly yet with a loving open tone....It was something to behold. You might be saying..oh yeah...what is so special about that? I'll tell you this, I did not grow up with love and reason and concern like what I saw. When you add in the trials from the past two years, and her working two jobs...homeschooling our other daughter and this is not a recipe for what the finished product I witnessed.
When you really love your child and you want so much good for them..to give them a future and a hope, you can pray...try your best...make plans, but really something unplanned always seems to hit you--right in your best made plans. The enemy knows weak points and hits them right on cue to rob us from peace and joy.
Firm yet she stayed calm through the chaos, loved through the calamity..stayed focused and went right on loving her the right way...shared her heart in a beautiful way that seemed to be heard and received.... probably the way our heavenly Father looks down on us and corrects us but still firmly yet with love--looks past the calamity and loves us....
One chaotic situation that ended with uncharacteristic peace in the Taylor household at least for tonight....Those of you who know me know that PEACE is my biggest desire from life. Thank you God for a wife who cares, who keeps trying no matter how tired she is, who loves us well. Thank you for your unexpected gift of peace tonight.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"the one who remembers"
I'll admit it...I have a support network...a support men's group. I need those men. They are my true friends in the battle. They help me see things the right way...they help me to remember things. More on that thought in a moment....
I can forget so quickly my true identity in Christ and my attributes that are really true about me. Why do we forget things so easily? Even David in the Psalms talks about "forgetting the good things he has done" and "have you forgotten me?" , and "how long will you forget me?" "has God forgotten to be kind?", and "I forgot about his power". Hey if David can forget things about God when he was used and led so mightily throughout his life then there might be hope for me yet. I think mostly I forget about God being with me and beside me and in me because they were always just words. "Christian--speak"..a phrase I learned at church with no connection behind it.
Back to the meeting....I went hoping to continue to find my voice and process more of my past....
What I received was yet another reminder I am not alone. A big fear of mine is that I will wind up alone if people really knew the real me. The truth is that I am not alone.
At my moments of strongest fear comes this song.....It's from Audio Adrenaline..."Leaving 99"
here is a link to listen to the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
It really speaks to me because growing up I really was forgotten at times and was very alone. I did my best to deal with that reality but at some point in my mind I was forsaken and forgotten...the emotions "switch" in my heart was shut off...disconnected and shorted out. This might not be uncommon for many people who suffer abuse. Hey, we all need to get through somehow so I shut that part off to persevere and get through.
Looking back at the whole situation I know now where I went wrong in dealing with that situation. I understand my defensiveness and how it grew out of the fact that I had my voice taken away at home and how sad and terrifying home life was for someone with as many fears as I had. Then the defensiveness grows to anger as self protection at home and not allowing anyone in...especially if they had hurt me or wronged me. Next mix in school and peer pressure and being teased for not fitting in and being in fights over my defensive attitude..are you kidding me? I am being abused at home and this is my response and now some kids want to beat me up because my attitude was simply trying to protect myself. What a vicious cycle...a circle of defensiveness destined to stay that way forever.
I never learned to forgive.
I never gave up my right to revenge...revenge against those who teased me, those who wanted to beat me up, those who beat me that should have protected me...many, many people...none forgiven. My heart was dead.
How does someone that has been forgiven for so much, that calls himself a christian have no idea what true forgiveness means? My heart was shorted out...self protection ruled...no forgiveness.
This is a tragic reality because in truth I am a man of deep sympathy and compassion for others --a man who encourages others....and the enemy hit me with so many arrows--bulls-eyes designed to take out my heart before I was old enough to know these truths about myself.
When I went to Ecuador on a missions trip I saw some glimpses of what my heart should have been...I received a Defibrillation shot in the chest with those paddles that started my heart...for a moment anyways. When I went to Katrina relief in Gulfport, MS I received another heart starting throttle. Sometimes we have to bottom out, really bottom out to the worn path we know and have made work for us in order to find the new path we were meant to travel all along.
What power there is in forgiving...it takes the power away from all those who had hurt me and the revenge I sought....for years. It was a dose of good cleansing medicine as I thought over each person, each wrong and forgave them. The weight was lifted off of my shoulders...and it was a heavy weight. The power that was held over me was gone.....Hey I am still a little scared and awkward socially, but my heart is reconnected and alive and in the right place. I am finding that voice I was intended to have and encouraging others wherever I am.
"I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Phillipians 3:13...now Paul says he tries to forget the past...tries to forget things.
Yes I was forgotten by others, but God was there with me...He wanted me to know what it was like to be forgotten..what it felt like...the pain, the loneliness, the sadness....even the anger. I think He will use all of it in some way. He already has called me to remember some of that....I want to make certain no one else is forgotten...nobody else feels left behind. This I do know--God is the one who remembers....He is writing this story and He is the hero.
He did leave 99 to find me...he pursued my heart when I was lost in bitterness and defensiveness. He will use everything that happened to me as if it were his plan all along.
...so I thought I was at my meeting last night for my reasons....instead God had a friend come up and ask about my daughter's home schooling and that friend is pursuing some books and needed materials for us. That friend did not have any way to know to ask about the home schooling...that it was a burden for Michelle and I. God continues to surprise me with how he lets me know He knows what has been burdening me. I think it's just another way to continually remind me that He has not forgotten me.....that he hears me and sees me.....Another friend called me just at a very big moment in my week...why did he call? His message.... "I just wanted to call and remind you that you are not alone." What a great message....-a message again that God knew I needed to hear at that moment.
Me.....I forget things...but God...He will always be "the one who remembers"
I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone
when You say..
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away,
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
I can forget so quickly my true identity in Christ and my attributes that are really true about me. Why do we forget things so easily? Even David in the Psalms talks about "forgetting the good things he has done" and "have you forgotten me?" , and "how long will you forget me?" "has God forgotten to be kind?", and "I forgot about his power". Hey if David can forget things about God when he was used and led so mightily throughout his life then there might be hope for me yet. I think mostly I forget about God being with me and beside me and in me because they were always just words. "Christian--speak"..a phrase I learned at church with no connection behind it.
Back to the meeting....I went hoping to continue to find my voice and process more of my past....
What I received was yet another reminder I am not alone. A big fear of mine is that I will wind up alone if people really knew the real me. The truth is that I am not alone.
At my moments of strongest fear comes this song.....It's from Audio Adrenaline..."Leaving 99"
here is a link to listen to the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
It really speaks to me because growing up I really was forgotten at times and was very alone. I did my best to deal with that reality but at some point in my mind I was forsaken and forgotten...the emotions "switch" in my heart was shut off...disconnected and shorted out. This might not be uncommon for many people who suffer abuse. Hey, we all need to get through somehow so I shut that part off to persevere and get through.
Looking back at the whole situation I know now where I went wrong in dealing with that situation. I understand my defensiveness and how it grew out of the fact that I had my voice taken away at home and how sad and terrifying home life was for someone with as many fears as I had. Then the defensiveness grows to anger as self protection at home and not allowing anyone in...especially if they had hurt me or wronged me. Next mix in school and peer pressure and being teased for not fitting in and being in fights over my defensive attitude..are you kidding me? I am being abused at home and this is my response and now some kids want to beat me up because my attitude was simply trying to protect myself. What a vicious cycle...a circle of defensiveness destined to stay that way forever.
I never learned to forgive.
I never gave up my right to revenge...revenge against those who teased me, those who wanted to beat me up, those who beat me that should have protected me...many, many people...none forgiven. My heart was dead.
How does someone that has been forgiven for so much, that calls himself a christian have no idea what true forgiveness means? My heart was shorted out...self protection ruled...no forgiveness.
This is a tragic reality because in truth I am a man of deep sympathy and compassion for others --a man who encourages others....and the enemy hit me with so many arrows--bulls-eyes designed to take out my heart before I was old enough to know these truths about myself.
When I went to Ecuador on a missions trip I saw some glimpses of what my heart should have been...I received a Defibrillation shot in the chest with those paddles that started my heart...for a moment anyways. When I went to Katrina relief in Gulfport, MS I received another heart starting throttle. Sometimes we have to bottom out, really bottom out to the worn path we know and have made work for us in order to find the new path we were meant to travel all along.
What power there is in forgiving...it takes the power away from all those who had hurt me and the revenge I sought....for years. It was a dose of good cleansing medicine as I thought over each person, each wrong and forgave them. The weight was lifted off of my shoulders...and it was a heavy weight. The power that was held over me was gone.....Hey I am still a little scared and awkward socially, but my heart is reconnected and alive and in the right place. I am finding that voice I was intended to have and encouraging others wherever I am.
"I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Phillipians 3:13...now Paul says he tries to forget the past...tries to forget things.
Yes I was forgotten by others, but God was there with me...He wanted me to know what it was like to be forgotten..what it felt like...the pain, the loneliness, the sadness....even the anger. I think He will use all of it in some way. He already has called me to remember some of that....I want to make certain no one else is forgotten...nobody else feels left behind. This I do know--God is the one who remembers....He is writing this story and He is the hero.
He did leave 99 to find me...he pursued my heart when I was lost in bitterness and defensiveness. He will use everything that happened to me as if it were his plan all along.
...so I thought I was at my meeting last night for my reasons....instead God had a friend come up and ask about my daughter's home schooling and that friend is pursuing some books and needed materials for us. That friend did not have any way to know to ask about the home schooling...that it was a burden for Michelle and I. God continues to surprise me with how he lets me know He knows what has been burdening me. I think it's just another way to continually remind me that He has not forgotten me.....that he hears me and sees me.....Another friend called me just at a very big moment in my week...why did he call? His message.... "I just wanted to call and remind you that you are not alone." What a great message....-a message again that God knew I needed to hear at that moment.
Me.....I forget things...but God...He will always be "the one who remembers"
I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone
when You say..
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away,
I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Second Chances
I work in the ghetto. My employees all have sad stories that go with them everywhere. They have hard lives, much more difficult than mine.
Today's story to share is about an employee...we'll call him Patrick. I saw Patrick start work at my company while I was in management training class. He was rough around the edges when I first met him and there was always a certain sadness about him...like a dark cloud.
Pat and I have been working many late night hours and I have been pouring training time one on one with him to attempt to get him a raise and make his life better...a point that he seems to really "get". I am really only supposed to train the cashiers...but I have most of my people trained and he needs someone to give him a chance.
One of our late night talks brought up how Pat is on probation. He has to meet with his parole officer regularly. This is very common for my employees and I have gotten used to certain jargon that is part of their difficult lives. Pat lives in the projects and many people who live there are second generation dwellers...in other words..they were born into this mess and know no other life. In order to make money so he "could be somebody" he turned to being part of a gang and selling drugs. Being a part of a gang is common as well and sometimes protects their loved ones...it is protection.
Pat began dealing drugs and made a better life for himself by cutting out emotions for others for many years. To see him now---you would never believe that statement. Pat made some bad decisions and ended up in prison. He was in a car chase running from the law and his drug dealing.
In prison Pat made a good decision. Pat has many skills as I have discovered. He is a top flight car mechanic with natural aptitude for assembling and diagnosing auto problems. Pat decided when he got out he would leave his gang---a brave decision that would put him at odds with old friends. He decided to be a good father---a courageous decision that he has no pattern or example to follow. Finally, he decided to use his mechanic skills to help others. Pat told me "I want to use my skills to help others...I've been given a chance to make up for some things...that's what I want...to make things right."
Pat has a big heart and it shows...in fact..I would bet money that God's name for him Is HEART. I am so proud of him coming to work at a low paying job with only the thought of his girl and his 14 month old sweet little daughter. He shares his knowledge with others and helps me train others now. He shares his talents and changes his neighbors oil or does bodywork whenever possible. He gives everything he has to others...his time, his talent, and his treasure.
Today is Pat's birthday and I am sure that God is looking down at Pat and proud of his choices this past year....God is a God of second chances for all of us. I can only hope to make Him proud by making good decisions like Pat.
Today's story to share is about an employee...we'll call him Patrick. I saw Patrick start work at my company while I was in management training class. He was rough around the edges when I first met him and there was always a certain sadness about him...like a dark cloud.
Pat and I have been working many late night hours and I have been pouring training time one on one with him to attempt to get him a raise and make his life better...a point that he seems to really "get". I am really only supposed to train the cashiers...but I have most of my people trained and he needs someone to give him a chance.
One of our late night talks brought up how Pat is on probation. He has to meet with his parole officer regularly. This is very common for my employees and I have gotten used to certain jargon that is part of their difficult lives. Pat lives in the projects and many people who live there are second generation dwellers...in other words..they were born into this mess and know no other life. In order to make money so he "could be somebody" he turned to being part of a gang and selling drugs. Being a part of a gang is common as well and sometimes protects their loved ones...it is protection.
Pat began dealing drugs and made a better life for himself by cutting out emotions for others for many years. To see him now---you would never believe that statement. Pat made some bad decisions and ended up in prison. He was in a car chase running from the law and his drug dealing.
In prison Pat made a good decision. Pat has many skills as I have discovered. He is a top flight car mechanic with natural aptitude for assembling and diagnosing auto problems. Pat decided when he got out he would leave his gang---a brave decision that would put him at odds with old friends. He decided to be a good father---a courageous decision that he has no pattern or example to follow. Finally, he decided to use his mechanic skills to help others. Pat told me "I want to use my skills to help others...I've been given a chance to make up for some things...that's what I want...to make things right."
Pat has a big heart and it shows...in fact..I would bet money that God's name for him Is HEART. I am so proud of him coming to work at a low paying job with only the thought of his girl and his 14 month old sweet little daughter. He shares his knowledge with others and helps me train others now. He shares his talents and changes his neighbors oil or does bodywork whenever possible. He gives everything he has to others...his time, his talent, and his treasure.
Today is Pat's birthday and I am sure that God is looking down at Pat and proud of his choices this past year....God is a God of second chances for all of us. I can only hope to make Him proud by making good decisions like Pat.
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