in fact it's quite the opposite....the ability to disappear or become invisible was a highly valued trait in my family growing up.
It was a conversation with my different brothers and sisters as an adult that finally had me connecting these dots of my childhood. Most of us had some connection to this same part of our stories...trying to not be noticed or seen, trying to be quiet and not make waves, trying to be invisible and survive.
I found these conversations quite sad...and yet I draw strength and joy from the place where I am now--knowing I have come so far from that place of fear and pain.
It's hard to talk about some of the past and my journey. I find strength and some solace in the fact that we all share some of this same piece in our stories. We were all somehow separated and surviving, some similarly coping, and some barely surviving.
I also am very angry about how we were separated from each other emotionally and disconnected in that we all needed to individually survive. In this environment, we were immersed into corporal punishment as a way of dealing with things as simple and foolish as "where are the scissors?" No one wanted to turn others in and be a snitch, but nobody wanted to be the target of repeated punishment either. I'm ashamed I didn't stand up for my younger brothers and sisters more than I did. It was just wrong. After a while, if I wasn't the target of the day it felt pretty good. Instead of being celebrated for the good and unique individual gifts we all brought to the family....we learned that not being celebrated or noticed was the best thing we could hope for in this twisted economy.
I'm angry and sad for the missed time with some of my brothers and sisters...missing out on some of their true selves.
I have read how God saves and has collected every tear...
Psalm 56:8
I have also read how he redeems the years the locusts have eaten.
Joel Chapter 2
How I need to believe that tonight God...How I need to trust that you have seen everything and you are my strength, my shield.
To my brothers and sisters, I am so sorry for what you have all endured and the lingering effects it has had on each of your lives. I apologize for the times I didn't stand up for you and didn't stop the beatings...stop the insanity. I am sorry for not finding the courage and inner strength to overcome my fears and stand up to injustice. I'm sorry I couldn't see how we all were trying not to be seen---so sorry I was so nearsighted on survival that I couldn't see what each of you were going through.
Today I celebrate that each of us is NOT invisible...that we are all strange and quirky in a wonderful way.
God will redeem those years, he will heal our hearts, and from the ugly scars of this story he will bring hope to someone
I also am very angry about how we were separated from each other emotionally and disconnected in that we all needed to individually survive. In this environment, we were immersed into corporal punishment as a way of dealing with things as simple and foolish as "where are the scissors?" No one wanted to turn others in and be a snitch, but nobody wanted to be the target of repeated punishment either. I'm ashamed I didn't stand up for my younger brothers and sisters more than I did. It was just wrong. After a while, if I wasn't the target of the day it felt pretty good. Instead of being celebrated for the good and unique individual gifts we all brought to the family....we learned that not being celebrated or noticed was the best thing we could hope for in this twisted economy.
I'm angry and sad for the missed time with some of my brothers and sisters...missing out on some of their true selves.
I have read how God saves and has collected every tear...
Psalm 56:8
I have also read how he redeems the years the locusts have eaten.
Joel Chapter 2
How I need to believe that tonight God...How I need to trust that you have seen everything and you are my strength, my shield.
To my brothers and sisters, I am so sorry for what you have all endured and the lingering effects it has had on each of your lives. I apologize for the times I didn't stand up for you and didn't stop the beatings...stop the insanity. I am sorry for not finding the courage and inner strength to overcome my fears and stand up to injustice. I'm sorry I couldn't see how we all were trying not to be seen---so sorry I was so nearsighted on survival that I couldn't see what each of you were going through.
Today I celebrate that each of us is NOT invisible...that we are all strange and quirky in a wonderful way.
God will redeem those years, he will heal our hearts, and from the ugly scars of this story he will bring hope to someone
