Of course she is in the hands of God I thought..."He has her--there is nothing more for you to do..."
I loved this doctor--he was so kind throughout...and observant. My daughter was in a coma...not a calm one mind you...there is much more to this story than what I can pen to a blog today...it is a full chapter in our lives.
This doctor meant well...he really did. You see--more than 80% of patients that arrive at the ICU--do not leave alive--or have even a remote chance for a happy ending. That's not a statistic I researched on the Internet --it is from talking with the nurses in the ICU throughout long stretches of time during sleepless nights.
I thought--I am really having this conversation..."we have to begin thinking shortly about whether to continue life support or not..." Wow--we really ARE having this conversation now.
Up until now I had believed in a miracle but with each day that my daughter fought restraints and broke restraints with her strength--yet remained unconscious through test after test--and MRI's, and many more tests I don't recall the exact technical terms for..checking her brain activity and possible bleeding on the brain....my hope was fading...now I had taken a full frontal cannon fire to the remnant of hope that remained in my heart.
As I flipped through my bible that sleepless night I came across a story that peaked my interest. I was looking for a crumb of hope to cling to like a life preserver. It was Daniel Chapter 3--I stumbled across. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...they refused to bow down to the king's gold statue and so they were to be bound and thrown into a blazing furnace.
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power. But--even if he doesn't..."
What-?! --don't say THAT...
And so there it was--even if he doesn't... So many begging prayers from others hurting...
For the family begging that Alzheimer's would be banished and their family member healed...
For the family that has a member stricken with mental illness--praying for peace and healing...
For the family where autism distorts the day and keeps a child from seeing and filtering actual truth and relaxing in who they are...
For the family begging that depression loosen its grip on a loved one...
For the family battling cancer for one of their loved ones--and begging God for a miracle...
For the family begging for the health of a child...
So many prayers...
All people desiring the miraculous in the middle of the mundane and even cruel world that has all but stopped as everything slows when the most important things raise themselves up in front of us---the fragility of life.
I began to wonder in my heart that if God didn't heal her--would I still speak of his greatness--his power--even his plans for my life?
Where else is there to turn...I could ache and hurt in my heart--even be angry if this went badly--but I did not blame God...I only wanted to understand why a healing could not or should not happen? I called a few of my closest friends and asked the question "what purpose could God have for this other than to miraculously heal her--and her life be used in a way--as a purpose--to point back to the healer of the broken?!
The next day I was not myself...I was lost--without hope. The past 6 years I had built my life on the rock foundation that I had a hope--and for the first time in all of this--even all 11 days of her being in a coma I found myself looking at reality and soaking in "even if he doesn't..." I went through work--had short conversations with others--some not even knowing what was going on--they flashed strange looks and had no idea of the weight on my shoulders as the family leader, the one who sets the trajectory for the rest of the family...
Saturday we celebrated our other daughter's sweet 16 by leaving the hospital--all of us--and traveling into Nashville and eating out at a restaurant and even taking a horse and carriage ride downtown. The guilt I felt knowing my other daughter was lying in a coma alone--while I also needed to be happy for my other daughter--this would always be in her mind--I couldn't lose her by scarring her memories to be treasured for the future...
As I rushed back from dinner alone as it was my turn to be on duty overnight (we were taking turns) it was right back into the fire--but the break had eased a little of the effects of the sleepless nights. My daughter was anything but at peace as every 10 to 15 minutes would bring spasms similar to a seizure although we were told they were not seizures.
At about 430 AM I went home to get showered and back before morning rounds, Because it was Sunday morning we would be coming back together. I left the room...it was a retreat from the shambles of a torn apart bed and broken daughter's body fighting everything -fighting peace.
While showering I was playing some soaking praise music to try to soak in some new hope for the day that lay ahead of us.
When we arrived back at the room--it was as if I had come to the wrong room. This girl in the room was at peace. She was calm and sleeping beautifully. The nurse (a hero to us for everything she did) had her hair showered and clean--all combed out. She even put her own hair band to make a pony tail. I felt the peace at that moment...
I prayed as I sat on the couch next to her...and as I prayed I heard the words "great joy."
Michelle--I'm telling you this so that someone believes me if it is to come true--I heard the words "great joy." I thought in my head--did I really hear this or did I place those words in my own mind? Do we ever really know? I hoped it would be true.
A little hope can do a lot... bring energy, patience, the paradigm shifts and even the sun shining becomes a little brighter.
The doctor came in for her rounds. We want to try to excavate the breathing tube she said. They all tried valiantly but my daughters body just would not cooperate...
The nurse had an idea...her body is fighting the total removal-but if we can get her vitals, breathing and pressure lower we might have a better chance.
All day long-each hour that nurse dialed back the pressure...she worked on her all day long--and my daughter stayed calm and slept still...that peace gave me some peace. At about 1:30 we asked what she thought..."I think in two hours when they make last rounds that we have a chance to be ready" she said.
In the back of my mind--I also knew that that was only the first step and we would need her to open her eyes and follow a few voice commands or there would be no further attempts to remove the breathing and feeding tubes.
As the late afternoon shadows creeped onto the windows of the room--I clung to my growing hope that something was different about today...even the words I had received--which were different from the usual day so far...something was just different...and different at this point was welcome.
As the doctor entered the room our nurse had dialed back the last click to where all of the machines and readings needed to be.
The doctor tried to awaken her to get her eyes open and to obey a command. "Haileigh.....I want you to wake up--open your eyes...open your eyes and look at me." No response. She tried 3x...no response. The long line of students that accompanied the doctor began an unceremonious procession out of our room.
"Wait" I found myself saying. "I am the only voice she responded to and that was 8 days ago--but she did listen to me...please let me try."
Not waiting for the agreement I started..."Haileigh....squeeze my hand" now I had been holding her hand through spasm after spasm...I know what a clenched fist is versus squeezing just one side. I felt the squeeze and everyone saw it...but they dismissed it quickly. I said "Haileigh...now squeeze this hand and gave her other side a squeeze..come one squeeze this side." Suddenly I felt the other side squeeze back. The procession stopped dead--the line reversed direction...something was happening and we all knew it.
"Haileigh--now I need a thumbs up--come on --a thumbs up"....a
her right hand raised about an inch or two and a trembling thumb began a slow, shaking turning upwards." The doctor and students let out a simultaneous ROAR of joy.
Last thing Haileigh--I need you to open your eyes. Now this girl had more flashlights checking her eyes the past twelve days and none of it looked good--eyes unable to focus, darting back and forth, completely dilated...but now...one eye began to open small at first--the most beautiful blue eyes looking back at me.
Once that happened the doctor and staff jumped in and pulled those tubes out...they worked diligently to get her breathing on her own. So much to the story--so many interactions that I couldn't share in a small blog.
Suddenly there was "GREAT JOY" as promised--it was delivered.
From the joy of that moment--I have travelled to a place of guilt as I realized my desperate prayers were answered and I never had to answer the full realization of "even if he doesn't..."
From Anne Voskamp's blog I read a few sentences that resonate within my soul--and complete what I need to say..."no one enters into the real joy of the Lord in spite of the hard times---but squarely through the door of the hard times."
paraphrased: And so even if the next time it doesn't go my way---and what I beg for doesn't happen....I am still His beloved son...
Even if He doesn't--He still is ...
His will is right and His heart is still good...
Even if He doesn't--He does give enough--himself...
Even if He doesn't --He does still love us...
Even if He doesn't I will still believe--there is no where else to go and take these prayers.
And so the things that we fear the most produce the deepest faith within us and change us forever.
It might have looked different.
It was supposed to, it could have, and it may next time---
yet even if he doesn't....
