Grateful Heart

Thanksgiving

I am especially reminded at this time of the year just how thankful I am for these things from just this past year....

I am thankful for men who stood beside me, men who told me...reminded me and even showed me who I am....

I am thankful I could pick up the phone in the middle of dread and despair and have someone share my gold with me....something no one has ever done...

I am thankful for the strength and perseverance that God granted to me new each day for as long as he wanted me to stand where I was,

I am thankful for getting a new job that he prepared in advance for me and the way he tore away the old jobs to force me in his desired direction.....

I am grateful that when God wants my attention he makes it very clear of direction by stripping things away...even things that he provided to sustain for a period of time,

I am grateful for a wife that loves me throughout periods of difficulty and shares with me lessons we are both still learning,

I am grateful for a new adam man that provided an opportunity to share my love of softball with my son and even paid for his spikes to remove any obstacles and showed love to my son through a game,

I am grateful that God has taught me what enough is...he sustains and a position of enough keeps me centered and still dependent on his leading,

I am grateful that having come through a very deep and long valley that I can appreciate some of the growth and lessons I've been taught that I never would have learned unless I had traveled this path...I would not change the path....it has changed me for the better and saved my life,

I am grateful that I can share the weight of some of my story with men who I do not floodlight...but rather they can sustain and bare the weight because of the miles we have traveled together,

I am grateful that after I had been offered a job and that offering evaporated...that a new adam man reminded me of the grace I have been granted...and called me out to demonstrate what I had been showed over and over again with mercy from unexpected places

I am grateful to men who have told me who I am ... and then given examples of why they believe it....and now I believe it too,

I am grateful for the man who  gave up his treasured flash light...something I frequently use now and remember an I group lesson I will never forget,

I am grateful for the people I have crossed paths with at work who God has placed them in the right place so that I could speak into their lives,

I am grateful for the car brake lights, car fuses, headlights, vacuum cleaner, and recliner that I have repaired in this past year...something unbelievable and that I never had the patience or understanding to do before,

I am grateful for a job where it is desired that I bring who I really am...not the old false self with shield and armor to hide and deflect...but rather someplace where my mistakes and willingness to be transparent become a voice to build a bridge of hope for others,

I am grateful for a son who demonstrated perseverance and called others to do the same in the face of adversity,

I am grateful for a daughter that God has taught her to share pieces of her story and given others strength through that sharing,

I am grateful for the Father's Delight day...I got the chance to speak to the wonderful things about my daughter that I see but fail to vocalize...I am so grateful that she left me a card saying "I love you because....when the going gets tough, you don't run--you stay & fight,

Let's see......My wife has told me I'm enough...My son learned persevering the right way, my daughter made herself vulnerable by saying part of her story in order to help others, and my other daughter understands the importance of staying and fighting for the important things in life.....

I am grateful that my estranged brother and I forgave each other...that I learned what forgiveness is and really feels like.....

I am grateful that God mended relationships and grants grace to fill in the still glaring gaps,

I am grateful that this is the year that God broke the chains of my family's past generations...they will not take hold of my generation.....HOPE reigns, the power they held in the past in silence has no hold when the Light shines on it......

I am grateful for a wonderful and awesome God that has granted me all of this just this year.....any one of these things would have been enough

Grateful....a friend called me and told me I had gone back for him when no one else did...he told me I had gone back for the one...he made me cry.....fulfilled the promise I had been told....

I would love to hear others speaking and sharing what they are grateful for....If you are in the middle of a struggle and can't see something to be grateful for right now....I get it...just know He will walk through that struggle with you and when you come through you will understand and know he was with you.

Where are you God?

Where are you God?

My question was far from an original in any way.  Many people cry out this question every day...in anger...in desperation....in hopes of finding mercy...relief...answers.


Day after day the struggle of life can be more than one can take...but this is my blog so let's make it more specific.

I was drowning in a sea of desperation...an ocean of sadness...no light on the horizon of coming help.

Where are you God?

My family needs me home, I am tired to the bone of every fiber of my being.....

Where are you God?

God was there...

the woman who cuts my hair who paid for my hair cut and then reduced my rate while I was in this struggle...God was in it

the people who helped me get healthcare for my children.....God was there

the people at work who gave us a money tree for Christmas two years ago that allowed us to have a Christmas.....God was embracing us

The boss who gave us her employee turkey to feed us that holiday...God was happy

The people who surrounded us and gave us food/gas cards...God was in it

The worker at Publix who gave us gifts even while she was in the midst of her own struggles....God taught me

The secret gifts given..God saw them all

The family who didn't judge but listened patiently and gave financially....God loved it

My family who listened and gave compassion, financial assistance.....God cherished those moments

The times I cried in the dark full of sadness but trying to be there for my family...God cried with me

The beauty and majesty of Haileigh riding at saddle up...the grit and determination after being thrown...the courage to get up again...God was teaching me

The things my son Grant has said to me that have gotten me through a few more days...God was teaching me it's not what we say intentionally but what our actions speak in the heat of the struggle...that's what people remember about us

The grace and mercy my wife Michelle has shown me throughout this struggle....the raw emotion, realness, and grace.....God was smiling

the times I was so angry but I still talked and yelled at God.....he expected it and accepted my shortcomings...he still loved the relationship

the times I was dangling by a single thread of hope.....he loved me for how he designed me and had more threads lined up to see me through

Look, I first want to state I am not Job.  Stop laughing my family...it wasn't all that funny. I never was a shining example of Godliness or anything of the like.  I did learn about patience and how to how get through from some of his book.  I have learned a great deal.....Too many lessons to put down in a blog at one time.

Today I am thankful for all of it

and....

I wouldn't change a thing

Where are you God?  He is with me....everywhere...all through this journey.

it might be HOPE

The days go on and on as one leads into another....without end....draining the strength and life out of me.


I have written in many of my blogs about the word Hope and what it means to others, the effect it has on lives.  I am now watching it play out in my life.


In the past 24 hours I have seen something that could be hope...I don't want to get too excited for the fear it might not happen...those of you who have been in that place can probably relate.  


Sometimes I even forget what hope feels like...the sensation, the strength it brings internally with it...the change in posture as I stand a little taller, the smile it brings.


I was playing around with my ipod looking at artists and song names looking for something different to listen to.  No offense to John Waller--but I just can't listen to While I'm Waiting for the 1 millionth time.  I came across this Sarah Groves song titled "It Might Be Hope"


the lyrics are below......




You do your work the best that you can 
you put one foot in front of the other 
life comes in waves and makes *its* demands 
you hold on as well as *you're* able 

You've been here for a long long time 

Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you 
just when you least expect it 
you walk in a room 
you look out a window 
and something there leaves you breathless 
you say to yourself 
it's been a while since I felt this 
but it feels like it might be hope 

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame 
it's been dark since you can remember 
you talk it all through to find it a name 
as days go on by without number 

You've been here for a long long time 

Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you 
just when you least expect it 
you walk in a room 
you look out a window 
and something there leaves you breathless 
you say to yourself 
it's been a while since I felt this 
but it feels like it might be hope



Here is the link to listen for yourself......   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRlOLZ0H4ck


I hope if you feel a little beat up by life and circumstances today that it gives you a little inspiration that things may turn around soon--maybe things are working behind the scenes right now that will set the table for something miraculous.

This is how hope starts. Out of the unexpected like this rainbow was the other day....  I get a call from a friend I used to work with telling me what he's doing now.  Sometimes we lay seeds for harvesting later on...when things are bleak and we work on through difficult situations we speak to others about who we are and who they are.  People remember what inspires them to find strength deep inside.


It is frustrating and yet so true that it is not what you know but who you know....the same resume in front of recruiters for a position will never be selected and yet after someone steps in and says "you need to meet this man" they can look at the parts of your history that align and see it so differently.  It takes a few things..someone to stand up for you, and someone further up the hierarchy willing to look outside of the cookie cutter box and really look at people, someone looking for the best result in the end...not the safe result.


The story rolls on... but today....it feels like it might be Hope.

Freedom............

What an amazing thing that God has set us free.

He creates an amazing world...full of beauty, color, wonder and surprise and yet after all that he has done to Wow us he gives us the choice to choose him...not be a robot.

He has given us Incredible FREEDOM.

Free of our sins, free of shame, free to run free.

Somehow we humans seem to get caught up in every other message and leave the good ones behind.  We forget......

My Mom is older now and not always in touch with reality...some very lucid moments and other moments where she thinks everyone is out to get her.  My daughter Haileigh recognizes this and I came home tonight to a beautiful drawing she made for my Mom.

What is amazing to me is the simplicity of the message...yet full of love, full of promise.....

Remember...God sets us free......

I can feel a Braveheart cry coming.......


F-R-E-E-D-O-M!!!!!!

We serve a really great God. Think about that and savor the freedom tonight.

You QUIT

The words are on a page hanging on my son's wall "YOU QUIT"...it is the largest font that would fit on a page.  Grant had quit his football team two years ago.  The football gloves are tacked up on the wall under the sign.  Of all the positive things in his life...this one screams with regret.

He stopped playing football and lost his desire to do the work to make it all happen.

This past year he went to the coach and spoke to him and asked for the chance to work out and play.  Proper communication is a good lesson for kids growing up to learn.  It shows maturity and understanding of a world larger than just themselves.

He set himself as a flint...sharpening skills, working out. It all starts with the work, doesn't it?!  He stayed after school all winter and spring...working out, doing drills...finishing strong.  Finishing strong is something we have talked about together--not just coasting to the finish, but giving the coaches something to think about...letting your actions speak loudly.  He got up at crazy hours all summer lifting weights, working out, doing the drills.  He listened and observed...jumped in on drills against players much larger to try to get noticed..to take on a challenge.

In a few weeks we will see if this all paid off on the field.

I already know it paid off in many ways.  Grant is so much more than that old sign.  I have wanted to tear it down and shred it...but it's not my place this time.  It's up to him to realize.....yes that was what you did, but that is not you.  That could never sum up what you are....

I have so much respect for the diligence, hard work, sweat, teamwork, courage and so much more that I see demonstrated to get to this point.

It should read "NO QUIT".....because there is no quit in him in relation to striving for his goal

I'm Hungry

He was standing in front of me "I'm hungry" he said.  Torn army green jacket, shredded shorts, unmatched socks....I looked up at his face unshaven, weathered, and dirty....

I got him a cold cup of ice water and had him sit in the dining room in the air conditioning.  Some of the other "regulars" made a face at me having him sit down.  Thoughts were racing in my head....some of the crew were warning me "now he'll be back every day."  Possibly will turn out they are right I thought to myself. "Then the word will get out and you'll have all of them here" someone said.

I was picturing my dining room filled with homeless people milling about.

It doesn't matter.  This man needs food....not a tract or a IGBOK bumper sticker...for him it's NOT going to be OK unless someone acts.

Flash back to a time years back when I was headed to a sporting event downtown with my nephew and my young son.  Because we always lived in the suburbs I never really thought about the adventure part of being in the city for my son.  He was wide eyed and taking it all in.  Unlike myself...he really seemed to love all of the tall building and all of the mass of people.

Suddenly a man popped out from behind a tree and asked if we could help out a brother.  I was already passed him and moving on. My brother in law Steve looked at him and saw him.  He talked with him a few brief sentences and slipped some cash into his hand.

My son Grant had many questions for me.  "What did he want Dad?, Why is he so dirty Dad, Why did Uncle Steve give him money Dad, Why didn't YOU give him something Dad?."

Ashamed of what I had taught my son...I quickly reasoned "well Grant, in the city we could run into someone almost every block in need and we don't have enough to share with all of them."  He looked around and said "I don't see anyone else Dad...just him."

I was so unnerved after that that I never enjoyed the sporting event.  I thought about it isn't what we say but what we do that speaks about who we really are.  Another quote I've recently heard "People will listen to what you say but they will believe what they see you do."

What should we do with others in need?

If we can--- we can give them a seat at the table and help them...let them know they are seen and not invisible.

I was hungry at my second job that night but I pictured if my son was watching me...he would have had a whole different set of questions from the events of this day....ones I would have been happy to answer.

In my past life when I sold musical gear there was a young act that came into my office having just arrived in Nashville.  They had a hit later that same year and the lyrics are relevant to this post.

The Twenty-First Time Lyrics Monk & Neagle

Monk & Neagle Lyrics – The Twenty-First Time

Nowhere to live, nowhere to fall
He used to have money, but he’s wasted it all.
His face is a photograph burned in my mind,
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He sleeps under stars, that’s all he can afford
His blanket’s an old coat he’s had since the war
He stands on the corner of Carter and Vine
But I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

He may be a drifter, he’s grown old and gray
But what if he’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see him for the twenty-first time

She’s twenty-nine but she feels forty-eight
She can’t raise three kids on minimum wage
She’s cryin’ in back of the welfare line
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

She may be a stranger tryin’ to get through the day
but what if it’s Jesus and I walk away?
I say I’m the body and drink of the wine
but I pretend not to see her for the twenty-first time

This is a call for a change in my heart
I realize that I’ve not been doin’ my part
when I needed a Savior, I found it in Him
He gave to me, now I’ll give back to them

Drifter or stranger, father or son
I’ll look for Jesus in every one
’cause I am the body and drink of the wine
and I’m thankful there’s more than the twenty-first time

a Magical Day

A few weeks ago I took my daughter to an event called Father's Delight.  It is a local event here in Nashville to connect fathers and daughters in a meaningful way.

For many of the dads it was great to see the electronics turned off and their attention switch on.  My youngest is adventurous and loved the day that was planned.
For information regarding this event
http://abbasway.com/fathers-heart-upcoming-events/fathers-delight/#comment-1860

The day started with the dads coming with a note about some special things about their daughters that is unique about them and that we find special and beautiful.  We also wrote a note about how excited we were about the day ahead and spending this time together.  While the dads were being briefed on the coming activities...the daughters were receiving a diary keepsake for photos and to journal about the activities later on in the day.


There were many activities together and the day was action packed.  Together we zip lined over the trees...did a horseback trail ride, giant swing...but our favorite was the alpine tower climb.  We were harnessed up with spotters and climber up this tower and together stood up at the pinnacle with our arms raised in triumph looking out over the whole camp and lake.

After the activities was a ceremony.  This ceremony was to let our daughters know those things that we find beautiful and unique about them.  She listened so intently and absorbed every word I said like it was a treasure.  She was surprised about the things I picked out about her.... her incredible imagination, quick wit, love for singing, sense of adventure........she felt "seen."  Everyone wants to know they matter in this world....everyone.

After the ceremony a surprise...the daughters had each written their dad a note...mine will be cherished forever.  I also felt "seen" by her. She "loves me because when the going gets tough..I don't run...I stay and fight."

We went home and got cleaned up for the ball---a princess ball.  There was a rose waiting for each princess and photo time.  The princess was taken back to the princess room for make up, sparkles....and of course a tiara.

I don't ever dance...but I danced this night because she made it ok for me to look a little crazy and foolish...just plain old fun.  Seeing other fathers I knew dancing with their daughters...it was fun, fun, fun.  Even our DJ was one of the dads from our group.

I remember during the ceremony earlier some of the dads with tears in their eyes saying some of the most wonderful and loving things to their daughters.  How can you ever recreate such moments in time?

I remember my thought from earlier in the day.....I want to be very intentional about speaking the things I see in her regularly and not just on special occasions which are far too rare and too far in between.

She is a treasure....and I have been trusted with her.....

What an incredible day!

Fathers Day

Yesterday was Fathers Day.

I worked Saturday night into Sunday morning...got home and ate some Fruit Loops and laid down my weary body for a short nap.  I knew I had to get up soon and get through working a full shift....then a planned time of opening cards to celebrate fathers day.


Some days it's challenging to get through life, let alone a celebration like Fathers day.

How about me...do I even miss my Dad, do I have some good memories to draw from?  I feel pretty numb on the subject.  The one memory I recall from a fathers day is Dad telling me to "forget the cards and any gifts...he just wants obedience." I was deflated and devastated.

Now that he's gone I want to tell him..."really Dad, I want so much more than the obedience...I need you.  I need your spirit of getting through... forging ahead, but we all need to hear your voice.  We need your leadership to speak into the void of the uncertain.  We all want your laugh..deep, loud billowing laughter that makes us all feel together and part of your inner circle."

I have heard a common denominator in conversations with my brothers and sisters....it is that they wish they would get the dad they saw when they would see him interact with neighbors or friends.  The guy who would be your best pal and give you the shirt off his back.  The friend you would call in the middle of the night when you had no where else to turn.  Work, weariness and the world has a way of taking our best and leaving a messy remnant in its place.

Fast forward back to yesterday, as my life and working two jobs so parallels my Dad's life....

 as I read my son's handwritten card....
"I am so proud of the sacrifices you have made for our family. You have been the best Dad we could ask for......"

Those words to validate me, the work I do to provide....all feels suddenly worth it.

I realize, I never connected those dots to say that to my Dad.  Maybe it would have been different had I found those words to offer him.

Man...I have great kids....and they are worth everything to me.

I spent a few minutes writing a note to each one of my children the day before. It felt a little contrived and cheesy when I was writing them. Each note talks about a significant strength of each one and how the attacks of the enemy are deliberate and are an attempt to take them out before they learn to use all that strength has for them in life.  I get done writing it and feel great because although some of the path my Dad and I walked in life are parallel, I realize they are very different.  I want to be intentional to give the words to my children that I needed and wanted, but never heard.

Dad, I will always love you and you taught me some great things.....Our heavenly father is adding to those lessons and finishing the job.....

You taught me a great work ethic and how to get through.....My other Father has taught me being a Dad is a powerful thing...to offer words that give wind to their sails and strength when there was none. There is so much more than providing and getting through...those are good things, but there is so much more before crossing the finish line in this life.  Right now there is basking in the words offered by my son...soaking it in "I am proud of you Dad."

My daughter had her card...she added a quote she found to offer me words today "when you feel like you're down to nothing, God is up to something"

He certainly is........

What is Full Restoration?

Does anyone really know what full restoration is--or what it looks like?

Ever seen some big story in the news about a ponzi scheme...or some pastor that succumbed to sin and was disgraced???? You never get to follow through the story to full restoration.  Why is that?

Our society celebrates the fall of heroes and stars.....do we care after the headline fades or do we look for the next headliner?

What is it about the people we consider "the really big sinners" that disqualifies them from love from anyone in the church?  Why is it an unspoken rule that they be cut off from the very place they worshipped in and where leaders and neighbors should know more about unconditional love than anywhere else.  This is not a church slamming session or anything negative of the kind....just a question to wedge a foot in the door with an idea of true mercy and what it might look like. OK, I guess I would like to kick that door down! (Where's Samson to tear the door off the hinges when you need him?)

I was in working out at the rec. center and in walks the pastor for small group leaders.  At one point not so long ago...I was a small group leader.  I haven't been attending church hardly at all....and my family withdrew from our small group without so much as a call from the leader.  He knows part of my story, surely he cares about what is going on.  No, I got the Nashville nod...the old look away and pretend I am not here.  

So I went up and said Hi anyways (not "bless your heart") just because it would be so unlike me to be the initiator.  The last time I saw this man I was depressed to the point of extreme severity....the lowest point of my life...in fact I didn't want to live anymore.  Rather than just grill him negatively let's just agree that people rarely follow up into difficult circumstances...or rarely take the road less traveled to pursue someone in need. It makes us uncomfortable and requires us to give of ourselves.  It's one thing to talk the talk.....rarely do we see the full walk portrayed out.  It wouldn't need to be a perfect walk...heck we are all sinners.  Just looking for the mercy from a member of the greatest house of mercy-God's church.

Mercy101....we were all adopted into God's family where we never deserved any of it.
Mercy202--for the really Good Saints--see above...you're no better, still just forgiven where we never deserved it.
Mercy303...you are elevated to the status of the first guy crossing the road in the good Samaritan story (note--this is not a good thing)
Mercy404---in this advanced course we hope to break you of your ingrained church speak and habits and get you to simply pass on grace and mercy to others where it is needed.


Seriously though, Where do we go once the mercy and grace have been granted to us?  We spread the ring out further...we speak words into difficult situations where no one wants to.  We invest in others when it costs us something. Our story was never meant to be about safety and security....it was always meant to be a much larger story.  Restoration is one of those large story themes...check the Bible...yep, it's true.

Just a few.....

Peter denied Christ cursing and spitting....he is the Rock and given the keys to heaven.
Jonah runs away and takes a 3 day pass inside a really bad fish hotel.  He comes back and delivers the message and is party to witnessing revival and grace.
Zaccheus is small in stature and hated as a tax collector for the Roman occupants of his country.  He changes and gives until it hurts...does a 180 with his whole life, becomes huge in stature.
The prodigal son...wasteful, hurtful and selfish.  He comes home to beg to be a slave. He is welcomed back and loved.

Jesus walked on this earth as fully man and fully God.  He seems to understand we fall down and lose our way.  Yet he also sees something in each life --something Big, something True, something in the Future--something yet in the Present---that the person he's engaging doesn't picture yet.  I guess we are all slow on letting go of the past.  He takes away cloaks of shame and gives us capes of mercy and grace. He has a name to give us that he's intended for us since the day we were born.

What does full restoration look like?

To be honest---I'm not totally sure..I've never seen it walked out and modeled.

It's probably awkward and imperfect like we are. It's not a Hollywood scene.....

I do have an idea what it might feel and look like.  In the movie Antwone Fisher there is a scene that Antwone dreams about and then comes to pass at the very end.  In an almost dreamlike scene he is brought into a large banquet hall where there are friends and family waiting to celebrate him and share a feast of dishes made by the people who love him.  This is a celebration feast......Hugs, conversation, celebration......

It looks like a life restored.......

My Favorite Word------"Re....."

My Favorite Word----"Re...."

some people have a favorite word...mine is a favorite prefix because it goes with amazing thoughts...

Redeem
Restore
Renew
Rebuild
Recreate
Relate
Remake
Redo
Resume
Remade
Refresh
Reconcile
Reconnect
Replay
Redemption
Reclaim
Reform
Recommit
Remember
Reclaim
Reaffirm
Realign
Reallocate
Reanchor
Rearrange

So many words that bring good thoughts to mind begin with Re---....

See one I missed? Please send a reply and post it...share it with everyone.  Take the time to do it for someone who might need that word in their life today.

Thanks

The Broken Mower

Some things used to drive me crazy....well they still can at times.  Why is it that appliances and things always break at the worst times?

I have a dishwasher down.....washer at times...and now the lawnmower!

The lawnmower...really????!

In my culdesac all but two of us have a lawn service so I need my lawnmower to work.

The broken mower has become a symbol that keeps me aligned.  I know you might be scratching your head, but God knows how we are all wired.  He knows I love to be self sufficient and have everything planned out via my strength...my resources...my plan...my my Oh my.


By taking away the mower God once again forced me to relate to others and humbly ask for what I need. It is a small snapshot of where he has taken me the past bit of my journey, always reminding me and nudging me to depend on him more and more.

When I rely on others and not just myself, it allows for relationship and the story to expand further than my little kingdom.

My one neighbor, Lee is a handy man and has a work ethic even I could respect if not envy.  After I asked him to borrow the mower the first time he now places it fully gassed up outside his fence and in my yard waiting for me.  I gas it up after I'm done (least I can do) and we both get a laugh out of taking care of that for each other.

Last Monday I came home after a very stressful week of work and realized my whole front and side yard were mowed completely and trimmed.  I went over late at night to thank Lee who was sort of embarrassed and played it off that actually leaving his job early for one night gave him a chance to cut it for me so he could clear his head and enjoy the outdoors for once.

One of the coolest things about my lack of a mower is how I think it might play into Lee's story and where it is headed.  Without my misfortune, other blessings don't come.  In fact they lay unrealized.

Looking at Lee's ear to ear grin I realized he was blessed by doing it and I was blessed by his act of service and kindness.  More than the service was feeling connected to neighbors like in the old days before we all became self sufficient and quarantined.

Hate to be cliche but it fits...again God uses the broken

the Rain Dance

Yesterday was a crazy day...who knew it would lead to a rain dance?

I had a breakthrough this past week.  I had been working through some issues and forgiveness of a close brother..in fact it was my brother.  This brother is someone I looked up to and loved spending time with...we worked together and laughed together, sometimes cried together.

I wronged my brother.

 Not just once.

 Over a period of time, many times over.  I tried to justify it in many ways that it was ok because after all I was being taken advantage of, or I was owed much more for my diligence, loyalty...fill in the blank....Whatever my version of the story and reality.....it gave me no peace.

Then the light shone in on this dark dark secret.

The light has no interest in story...the light doesn't care about reasoning, motives, ambition or intended things...the light is pure and knows only light.

I made a call and wanted to share with my brother that I no longer carried any of that...I missed him..that I wanted to forgive and hopefully be forgiven...I knew if I could share my forgiveness in attitude that it would free me.  Forgiveness is like that.

In the book The Shack by William Young there is a dialogue between God and Mac the main character that undergoes change throughout the story. "I want you to forgive" God says.  "Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive, that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Can anyone else know your pain you carry from all of this?  In releasing that you release from the other person a burden that they carry whether they choose to or not. When you forgive another you love him well."

Mac replied..."I can't be honest with that and love them back." Not today you can't said God.  Forgiveness does not require you to pretend that circumstances never happened.  How can you forget?  You can love in the face of it.  His change allows for that.  Forgiveness does not require you to trust the one you forgive. But should they confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart and begin to build a trust bridge of reconciliation."

God, I think I understand but it seems if I forgive then this guy gets off free.  Mac, Forgiveness does not excuse anything.  The last thing this guy is--is free.  As for justice...that is my role. I will handle that.

This is a long exert and a beautiful picture of how we humans have anger and emotions but God still wants forgiveness...and as we do it over and over it is ourselves who change until the point it is natural and true and God can be handed back the reigns of control of justice.

I was so happy to see my brother as the sun streamed in on us and we made some small talk.   Bottom line was that the forgiveness was there for the asking...as soon as I put all my issues down....and just gave it...it was given back a thousand fold.  "The debt is forgiven.  All I want is the relationship."

I asked God for a few small things before this meeting...I got what only He could have planned all along....

As I shared with my Son what I had given up and what I received in return....he began shaking, he was amazed and overwhelmed with happiness.  I was at work last night but I heard the stories today about my Son's great joy of the reconciliation and restoration.....He grabbed his two sisters and told them "we are going out in the rain...you can use my sweatshirt if you want...don't worry...it's just like a shower. Rain is just another sign of how great God's power is..."  They all went out into the rain and ran around the yard...ran around the neighborhood with abandon Joy.

 "This is a CELEBRATION rain dance" he said.

They played together last night...shared talks about the past three years events, their hopes and dreams....played flashlight tag, cared for each other....PURE JOY.

Forgiveness is a cleansing shower....leave it to kids to point out the obvious.

Two Christmas Dinners...Conclusion

...OK So I never finished that story.  The blog was getting long and I just wasn't certain how much I wanted to share with everyone.

I have been trying to live transparent -- this seems dangerous because we have to be able to trust others with what we share.

After that day of course came Dec. 24th and I remember how nervous of a knot I was feeling in my gut as the moments marched on in time towards the inevitable Christmas Day.  I had a short shift to work at Costco.  When I got there Kate had an "anonymous" gift from a co-worker.  She knew I was uncomfortable but told me the giver would be deeply hurt if I didn't accept it.

Michelle texted me that a few letters and packages had arrived from my sisters and brothers.  They had sent  gifts, gift cards and money...all saving Christmas in my mind. Then she texted that her bothers and sisters had sent a few gifts as well.....then her parents...then my Mom.....all these things coming together in a few hours.

The day continued to get stranger and more beautiful as I recall.  I felt deep down God was prompting others to care for us because we couldn't do that for ourselves. I felt so helpless, yet wonderfully remembered.

The next arrival came about noon as someone left an anonymous money tree at our neighbor's home and told them not to tell who it was.....WOW again!

Shortly thereafter we received a care basket from the school district as we were nominated as a family in need for a christmas sharing project...we received cards, gift cards, and more sharing from strangers...turns out we were nominated by a caring neighbor and also from someone in our small group at church.

I arrived home to all of this just in time for a pastor from our small groups at church who had a gift for us.  In reality I believe the gift was a product of outpouring of grace from my co-workers at Costco who gave the gift anonymously through the church.

I sat on the floor of my living room on my knees and cried with Michelle and just felt so overwhelmed with emotion.  For months we had barely enough money to put food in the cupboard, and now God was pouring out blessing that was needed to sustain us for the weeks to come. It is the type of event that is literally burned into your memory.

It is definitely a blessed feeling to give to others and I believe much more difficult to receive.  This was an incredible and yet difficult day.  So many people showing grace and kindness...some believers, some not, yet sharing and caring.  It redefined what caring for others looks like in a practical sense...it reminded me that when we get on the other side of our current struggles that I want to live to give...not to repay the kindness but to pay it forward and be a part of what we received.

It was such an outpouring that I cannot doubt that God can and will do what he wants to do however he wants to do it and using whoever he wants--to do his will.

When that week started I had joked that I felt like the Whos down in Whoville--the tall and the small--would gather that morning around the tree...even after the Grinch had stolen everything, they still sang and celebrated Christmas in their hearts.  I figured we were going to know first hand what that feeling was.

I remember waking up Christmas morning and rejoiced in my heart for that new day, for time off with family, and for the caring God had showed to us.  I thought about the Whos in Whoville and sang a song in my heart. Christmas had come...

I am very grateful for everything .... it was magical really, and yet the real memory that stands out was how close we were that Christmas and each one since.  We spent the whole day together and cooked together and just hung out. Time flew by.  If I had insisted on spending that time together I am certain it would have resulted in squabbling and friends drawing my kids away. The journey had revealed a new way to celebrate and it concluded with a chiminea campfire and smores.......and they never tasted so good.

My Dad's Greatest Joy

Strange that I write about my Dad and joy together in a sentence.  Sometimes I would wish to really know him and "get him" and connect in some meaningful way.  I will say to him one day that I did hear him and listen to him, and that is why this blog entry tonight.

Recently my brothers and sisters have been working diligently and together I might add trying to secure a suitable place for my Mom's care for now and the future.  Mom has moments of clarity and wit, but most of the time she has gone through some paranoia and delusions.

My brothers and sisters have taken on the brunt of this reality and hardship for the past couple years.  Some of them have been verbally wounded while trying to help, sometimes much more.  Words wounding their hearts in different ways, carefully calculated and sharp.  I know, I have experienced them before....fresh memories as if they were from yesterday.

Anyways, my family really tends to appear fractured and aloof at times, sometimes just on different paths and going in different directions.  My brothers and sisters came together and worked physically and mentally together to help discuss options for Mom, get her home sold and all of the work with that moving and getting her relocated with care for her condition.  What they did was not a miracle by anyone's account but I find it remarkable none the less.  I don't remember many times in my life when I witnessed so many of them working together....working out the details with all personal issues aside.

How does my Dad fit into this?  He has been long gone for ten years now, but I remember having a conversation with him where he clearly told me his "greatest joy in life was watching us kids take care of one another."

I can't help but know in my heart he was looking down and chuckling in his deep growl his approval to himself of watching the recent events that transpired.  Knowing they all did their best to contribute in some way and take care of Mom as well as the ultimate goal....well if taking care of each other was his greatest joy in life then this moment must have been my Dad's greatest joy of all time.

PUI (parking under the influence)

I take my work very seriously...I try to give great customer service, very friendly and good quality food....and though try as I might, I really haven't gotten any kind of positive feedback on my company's website to be recognized like I have desired.

Sometimes we get recognized not for our efforts but just by what happens in the journey.

I was working the overnight shift this past weekend and that means many drunk customers...some happy drunks, some goofy drunks and some angry hungry drunks.  When the bars close they all come for food.  It makes for interesting and crazy stories. I've even had customers who thought they were driving and swerving all the while they were not even in a car...simply crazy times.

I could see the nose of a car out the corner of my peripheral vision parked half in my drive through lane and half in the exit lane.  The problem was that because the driver occupied some of each lane I couldn't serve anyone as nobody could get around him on either side.  I could see that the driver's window was down so I tried yelling out to him to get him to move.  There was no response.  I screamed my loudest...no response.

I unlocked the doors and locked my crew safely inside and went out to investigate. I approached cautiously to the side of the car...wrote down the make, model, color and plate number.   I tried talking, yelling, and literally banging on the top of the man's car repeatedly while yelling as loud as I could. This went on for about ten minutes.  He was out cold...car running, with only his foot on the brake to hold him in place while he slept.

Eventually I gave up attempting to awaken him and called in the police.  The moment they put on their sirens it startled him enough to wake him up which caused him to take his foot off the brakes and race  across the street into McDonalds where they stopped him and put him in jail for the night to sleep it off.

I wondered who he was and how did his friends let him drive this way?...what was the story behind the story....I had no time to think about it for long because I had to get back to work.

I didn't give it much further thought until last night.  My store received a complimentary e-mail on the company website yesterday. My boss called me to read it to me.  It read "I want to send out my thanks to the employee who called the police on me the other night.  They saved my life.  I was impaired and in no condition to drive. I endangered others lives and my whole future.  I am to be married in 45 days and I have my whole future in front of me...I almost threw it all away.  Again, I am in no way angry at whoever made the call...they should be commended for acting quickly and properly as it probably saved my life that night.  I appreciate Krystal more now than ever before."

Kind of amusing that my most distinguished moment at this job seems to be a moment I find very small and less than exceptional and seemed to have nothing to do with the job description.

Now to the point---why mention all of this?   I hope this man comes to live a GREAT STORY. The story needs to be more than DUI or PUI...lives are a one shot deal and they need to be lived out boldly and intentionally.

What do I mean by that?  It's what Don Miller would call a chance to change the story and live in a better story.... one with an incredible ending yet to be written.

My wife Michelle loves photos that have paths that twist and turn and show the infinite possible turns our lives and story can take.  So many choices...so many possibilities...it's what makes life special.

Just Enough

"How are you today?" he asks me....

"Just Enough" I answer.

"hey what's up?" asks another person...

"Just Enough" is my reply.

A strange answer?...not really...you just have to be on the same wavelength to get it.

For the past year I have been working two jobs feverishly at a pace of 70 to 75 hrs per week.  My wife has been working nights as a nanny to six children to make ends meet and pay off our endless obligations.  Sometimes it seems crazy and chaotic and at a breakneck pace that will never cease without days off or never an end in sight.....and then.....

A break

My job finds they made an error and owe me a week of vacation and I must take it now or lose it.........

then...break back...hot water heater hose breaks, shower drains stop up and Draino won't cut it...and the kid's toilet starts leaking.....

A break....The plumbing jobs are miraculously fixed for $2.98 and $5.98 respectively....

Then break back...school still fighting over giving my daughter the special help she needs

You see a lot of my life the break backs would stop me in my tracks and get me angry to the point of giving off the remnants of that rage like little shock waves..after shocks of the quake.


I still get mad but the paradigm is everything...the original breaks are mercy and they add up as well to more than I can count.

Sometimes it feels like we are wandering in the wilderness here and that's not farfetched. As a parallel look at the Israelites...they were in the wilderness for forty years...they would have a need..voice it vociferously...whine, complain, moan, grumble.......

Then God would give them a break...an outpouring of His mercy...time and time again....

Water
Bread
Meat

real needs in the moment...

What did God give them?

Just Enough !


The mana he provided was to be gathered each day and only enough for each day.  What happened?  Some people tried to outsmart God and gathered extra for the following day...just in case....

When they got up the next day the extra they had gathered was spoiled...Why?

The lesson they were to learn was they could trust God in His provision for them.

How do I feel today?

Just Enough....

I can get full of fear that I am not saving up for tomorrow or that I am not paying off everything today in this moment...Fear that my body is old and will break down without medical coverage....fear I am not providing sufficiently for my family or their future....fear I am not home in their lives enough.....

or

lose the fear---I can count the mercies that have been provided and blessings that I have been given today....I am choosing to be thankful.

It is hard to trust everyday...but it is an important lesson to learn....just enough

The Visitor or Visiting Angels?

The man screeched into our drive through at work..a little wild eyed...hair a little disheveled.  He hadn't ordered a thing to eat so I was wondering what he was looking for...directions perhaps?

He went into a story about how his uncle had been crushed by an eighteen wheeler and he had to come to town to take care of arrangements and he had just arrived.  He didn't know where the local churches were so he was asking for money assistance from me and my crew.

I told him my crew are all on welfare assistance and it wasn't our pay week but he was welcome to what I had, which wasn't much.  I didn't want to reveal there were only three of us there, just in case it was a set up.  I gave him my 59 cents I had and he asked me to ask the crew anyways.  The woman said no, the cook said "I have some change in my car...open the door." You see the gas station and a few other businesses across the street have been robbed recently so I need to be very careful.

Let me explain something about my cook Will.  Will is about twenty years old and one of the few employees that does not have a police record.  He is wrapped up in his beliefs concerning money.  He plays some rap music and much of the themes seem to be concerned about money.  He laughs and tells a story about going to the Green Hills Mall where people have valet parking to shop.  He said he walked in and when he didn't see prices on the clothing, he knew it wasn't the place for him to be shopping.

Will was determined to help this stranger out.  Also I want to add that Will is black and the man he was helping looked like a middle class white man.

He went and looked in his car and moved the seats and compartments and rustled up all the change he could find and gave it to this complete stranger because in Will's words "we need to help others out with whatever we have to share."

Will also explained that "sooner or later it all comes back around to us..if we share .....others will share with us."

The very next night we all clocked in and began another typical evening shift of work together.  Not more than five minutes in the store phone rang...it was for Will.  Will listened intently and started yelling "thank you Jesus oh thank you Jesus."

Will had been trying to catch on with Nissan here locally and Nissan was finally calling him.  Will just went from minimum wage to double that rate....his rise out of poverty had just begun...or did it? I think Will is richly blessed with inner peace because of his sharing...a richness worth more than a judgment of poverty levels. Will immediately pointed to his sharing the previous night and called it a test.  In his theology he claimed that God was rewarding his sharing kindness....How I wish it all worked this way.  I do know that God does not work inversely and strike down those who didn't share the very next day.  My commentary is not to judge Will's theology and whether God directly inserted his will into this situation or not....

I am just so happy for Will that he shared and he is moving on to a better situation for his life.  I do know that sharing and paying it forward made an impact on Will's heart just as much as the many strangers he has helped...and maybe that is God's blessing on his life more than anything.  Just a thought.....

Year of NO FEAR

Catchy little slogan for my new years resolution.

I can kind of picture a Nike swoosh along side of it or something cool and very commercial.

Actually, my son Grant suggested we all have a fire on New Years day..."a fire where we write down emotions and painful things from the past year...and then we burn the slips of paper."  What a cool idea for a 17 year old I thought and very deep and profound.  When Grant is "in" with an idea everyone else wants to be a part of that activity..good thing he proposed it and not me.

I started to think about this past year and I wanted to make my thoughts count.  My daughters were writing feverishly.  The pressure was on....Michelle had some great and profound truths to share.

My grand thought?  I am tired of going through life and worrying about what people think, how to act and engage others socially, afraid for my children and their future, afraid of the past and missed opportunities...every where I turn it's always more fear.

In the Bible "fear not" is mentioned more than 350 times yet somehow the deep soaking realization never penetrates.

I wrote that four letter word down F-E-A-R.


So much of life is a mindset and we wear a groove with whatever it has become.  Time for a new groove and new track,,,,heck..time for a new day...new beginnings.

I watched the paper burn and the ashes rise into the cold January sky...wifts of smokey prayers rising from hopeful people.  God, I just don't want to be afraid of things....I want to trust you in all things. And there it is...it boils down to that truth...I want to trust Him in all things.  If we are honest that is difficult and the more the waves roll in and the storms of life shake our lives...the more that faith and trust are tested.

Someone said to me when I lost my job two years ago "now you are blessed because you are going to know the blessing of having everything stripped away from you."  I don't know if I agree wholeheartedly but I do know the more we live day to day...the more I have to look to God and my faith and trust each day...there are no laid back moments.  I see where he was coming from. It forces me to acknowledge Him more because I am not relying on my own abilities alone.  In life when there has been an abundance I find myself furthest from Him relationally.

And so 2012 has become my year of "NO FEAR"....no I am not a surfer painting this message on my t shirts and wake board....just painting it on my heart and mind to not ride emotions up and down as much because I have seen God open doors that never existed and create windows out of nothing...bring pieces together that don't go together but he uses everything in combinations we never imagined would happen. It's all a strange and wonderful recipe....I know now that I have put it out there that I will be tested to see if it's sincere.......

That was a great way to start the year...short ceremony...long in thought...giving up regrets...and pressing on in this journey.  No Fear......