There were many other men I knew and recognized. They had come to pay their respects as well.
As I stood over the covered body I thought about all of the many things this man had meant to me and my life over time....the time he stepped in when as an eight year old I could not yet stand up for myself...beaten badly and not knowing where to turn.
The times I was alone and feeling forgotten...this man was the only person who believed in me and stood courageously between myself and the world. The times I was repeatedly sent to my room without dinner--he fed me with thoughts I took as courage...
Oh there were so many times and situations where he showed up and put forth a brave face--a face of no emotion, set like a flint in a direction--strong and unyielding. Always looking at the end goal and making sure I stayed on task..not letting any others--or distractions in to help or hurt--and definitely not to feel.
The problem with this man was eventually never learning to forgive and let things go, without learning true forgiveness and the power it gave me by releasing someone else--letting things go....it began to create a log jam in my life. Eventually that man loomed larger and larger in the scope of my life and everything else began to be smaller and distant memories. All of the hurt, the pain and the desire for what I saw as righteous justice became my life's false compass--and true North was facing someplace completely in the wrong direction.
As the evening progressed I found myself in front of the body of that man...it was time for me to say some words about him. "He was a protector, someone who never backed down from a challenge...a man who stepped in the gap--even the gaps in my life. I hold no anger towards this man--for although he became so looming and large where he was not asked to take a lead.....there was a time when he protected and helped when nothing else worked or made sense. His time had passed."
"There are many faces to a man, and few men that I have met who are true to who they really are...that they know how they are designed by their creator and use those gifts and identity without wearing a mask. We all wear many masks--created by agreements made in the battles of our lives--battles for our hearts--battles against an enemy desiring to wipe us out BEFORE we become who we were meant to be. These masks work for a time--yes-if they didn't work, we wouldn't continue to use them. Most men act oblivious to the masks they wear as a false identity. They continue to use each mask because life works for them when they have used it. I knew I was certainly not who I was meant to be."
"This man was needed at one time to protect the young boy who couldn't speak for himself and protect himself in a dangerous world. In the absence of a family to protect and nurture he invited in the persona of protection and thus an agreement--that carried on and on."
"There was a time when he was so needed but now we are here tonight to say goodbye to him. Without his moving on and stepping aside, the boy would never grow up and become who he was intended to be. We find him admirable for his strengths and mourn his weaknesses that kept him stuck with his limited vision in who he was. All told, he was who he stated to be--nothing more, nothing less...but it is time to move on."
A funny thing about death---we almost certainly need some things to pass away in order to bring a birth of newness or new life, even new direction.
Sometimes I stop to remember him every now and then, mostly as a reminder of where I was and where I am headed. That funeral released me to move on...I stopped when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror later that night...surprised to see a face that showed emotion, but no worry lines, no stone face...just a man who was free.
