"the one who remembers"

I'll admit it...I have a support network...a support men's group.  I need those men.  They are my true friends in the battle. They help me see things the right way...they help me to remember things. More on that thought in a moment....

I can forget so quickly my true identity in Christ and my attributes that are really true about me.  Why do we forget things so easily?  Even David in the Psalms talks about "forgetting the good things he has done" and "have you forgotten me?" , and "how long will you forget me?" "has God forgotten to be kind?", and "I forgot about his power".  Hey if David can forget things about God when he was used and led so mightily throughout his life then there might be hope for me yet.  I think mostly I forget about God being with me and beside me and in me because they were always just words. "Christian--speak"..a phrase I learned at church with no connection behind it.


Back to the meeting....I went hoping to continue to find my voice and process more of my past....
What I received was yet another reminder I am not alone.  A big fear of mine is that I will wind up alone if people really knew the real me.  The truth is that  I am not alone.

At my moments of strongest fear comes this song.....It's from Audio Adrenaline..."Leaving 99"

here is a link to listen to the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0

It really speaks to me because growing up I really was forgotten at times and was very alone.  I did my best to deal with that reality but at some point in my mind I was forsaken and forgotten...the emotions "switch" in my heart was shut off...disconnected and shorted out.  This might not be uncommon for many people who suffer abuse.  Hey, we all need to get through somehow so I shut that part off to persevere and get through.

Looking back at the whole situation I know now where I went wrong in dealing with that situation.  I understand my defensiveness and how it grew out of the fact that I had my voice taken away at home and how sad and terrifying home life was for someone with as many fears as I had.  Then the defensiveness grows to anger as self protection at home and not allowing anyone in...especially if they had hurt me or wronged me.  Next mix in school and peer pressure and being teased for not fitting in and being in fights over my defensive attitude..are you kidding me?  I am being abused at home and this is my response and now some kids want to beat me up because my attitude was simply trying to protect myself.  What a vicious cycle...a circle of defensiveness destined to stay that way forever.

 I never learned to forgive.

I never gave up my right to revenge...revenge against those who teased me, those who wanted to beat me up, those who beat me that should have protected me...many, many people...none forgiven.  My heart was dead.

How does someone that has been forgiven for so much, that calls himself a christian have no idea what true forgiveness means? My heart was shorted out...self protection ruled...no forgiveness.

This is a tragic reality because in truth I am a man of deep sympathy and compassion for others --a man who encourages others....and the enemy hit me with so many arrows--bulls-eyes designed to take out my heart before I was old enough to know these truths about myself.

When I went to Ecuador on a missions trip I saw some glimpses of what my heart should have been...I received a Defibrillation shot in the chest with those paddles that started my heart...for a moment anyways.  When I went to Katrina relief in Gulfport, MS I received another heart starting throttle.  Sometimes we have to bottom out, really bottom out to the worn path we know and have made work for us in order to find the new path we were meant to travel all along.

What power there is in forgiving...it takes the power away from all those who had hurt me and the revenge I sought....for years.  It was a dose of good cleansing medicine as I thought over each person, each wrong and forgave them.  The weight was lifted off of my shoulders...and it was a heavy weight.  The power that was held over me was gone.....Hey I am still a little scared and awkward socially, but my heart is reconnected and alive and in the right place.  I am finding that voice I was intended to have and encouraging others wherever I am.

"I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Phillipians 3:13...now Paul says he tries to forget the past...tries to forget things.

Yes I was forgotten by others, but God was there with me...He wanted me to know what it was like to be forgotten..what it felt like...the pain, the loneliness, the sadness....even the anger.  I think He will use all of it in some way.  He already has called me to remember some of that....I want to make certain no one else is forgotten...nobody else feels left behind.  This I do know--God is the one who remembers....He is writing this story and He is the hero.

He did leave 99 to find me...he pursued my heart when I was lost in bitterness and defensiveness.  He will use everything that happened to me as if it were his plan all along.

...so I thought I was at my meeting last night for my reasons....instead God had a friend come up and ask about my daughter's home schooling and that friend is pursuing some books and needed materials for us.  That friend did not have any way to know to ask about the home schooling...that it was a burden for Michelle and I.  God continues to surprise me with how he lets me know He knows what has been burdening me.  I think it's just another way to continually remind me that He has not forgotten me.....that he hears me and sees me.....Another friend called me just at a very big moment in my week...why did he call? His message.... "I just wanted to call and  remind you that you are not alone." What a great message....-a message again that God knew I needed to hear at that moment.

Me.....I forget things...but God...He will always be "the one who remembers"

I'm lost and broken all alone on this road
The wheels keep turning but the feeling is gone
when I fear I'm on my own
You remind me i am not alone

when You say..

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

It's dark and lonely and the path is unclear
Can't move my feet because I'm frozen with fear
then you say, my child, my child
i am always here, i'm at your side

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you

you're never too far down
I promise you'll be found,
i'll reach into the mud,
the miry clay
pursue you to the end,
like a faithful friend,
nothing in this world,
can keep me away,

I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you
(For you alone) I'd leave ninety-nine
Leave them all behind
To find you...
to find you.. 





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hubJshUEXP0