It's All Up To Me Now.....

 We were talking about how to help my son with his college costs--and how in the world I could offer anything financially....I saw the look in my son's eyes...the face, the fear, the posture....it took me back, back to a time when I realized it was all up to me.

 We rarely spoke of money things in our house growing up.  With 8 kids and additional foster children and only one bread winner...you just didn't want to rock the boat.   Add that Dad was working a second job a few nights each week and was tired...there just wasn't anything in my DNA that knew how to even ask about college money and choices...there was no choice.  My Dad's words to me? "it's all up to you now."

I set out working the only place I could get my foot in the door...fast food.

 I worked many hours at night while attending community college during the day.  It was a good college for the money and had credible professors teaching.  It was a long road through those first two years...it was a lonely road.  Almost all of my friends that began attending there had dropped out to stay home and drink and watch cable TV and the new ESPN channel to fill their days (yes-that dates it about right cable was still just beginning).  To stay engaged and give my best at school and then work my tail off schlepping burgers and cleaning grills and hoods and filters by night, mopping and scrubbing floors and changing out fryers regularly....it was challenging...but while I was in the middle of it all it never occurred to me that I might not make it...or I might not get to my goal of graduating college and finding a management job.

I worked about 50 hours a week on top of my full course load for those two years.  I was focused.

 One thing that I can look back with perspective and certainty and know about what happens when that "switch is flipped" and I decide it's all up to me....My emotions disconnect...so I journeyed without my heart. I would gain all of my goals but once I got there I would suddenly look around...like a man trying to gain focus and clarity after a long sleep.  I realized there was no one to share in my joy of that goal being attained.  What a strange and hollow victory...here I was the first of my family to graduate with my degree....what I would have given for some camaraderie and friends to cheer me on...ones for me to speak to and encourage.

 "I must just need a larger goal" I thought....so on to Messiah College to complete my Bachelor degree.  But when I got to the goal, again, I looked around and felt empty.

Softball championships--sports...no?
 Business successes...no? What is wrong here?

This was a pattern that repeated many times for me because "flipping that switch" that put me into focus mode was something that served me well.  If I wasn't successful in some measure with it I wouldn't keep turning back to it.

Yes, it served me well for many goals and just surviving in a chaotic early home life.

The problem is in the initial statement "it's all up to me now...."

Truly, it's not the whole truth.

I have to be a little careful how I say this...in christian circles there is a feeling and belief and statements made about "waiting on the Lord or waiting on God." I observed this at a young age and wrote that group of people off as lazy, making excuses for skipping hard work and probably a few more messages that are along that same thinking.

I have never been good at this waiting thing...

I still believe that many Christians use this as a crutch or excuse to not do the hard work they can do--as doing their part.

The REAL truth is that much of life IS hard and God does want us to do things...no--not everything and certainly not to make the journey without our hearts.

He doesn't want us to rely on ourselves...he is a relational God, and we are designed to be relational.  He puts others into our story to gain strength from seeing and hearing our stories...our struggles....

He also puts others into our stories to help us...wow, that was a foreign concept to me...but one that spoke to me deeply about how much God has actually thought about me.

How I wish I could fight the battle my Son is about to...how I wish I can convince him to make the journey WITH his whole heart.

How I want to spread the message about the things that work for us, aren't always the best things for us throughout life.....Instead of flipping the switch next time....pray, scrutinize, evaluate, share with trusted friends and then take action--but realize through good and bad, God is making the journey with you.

= it's NOT ALL up to you