Cutting Stone

Back to the job site...another start to the week. The sun was just peeking above the horizon.

Strange thunderous sounds can be heard close by...I suppose more stone workers starting early--getting a jump on their day too.

Nothing but white stone everywhere as I walk down stairs and descend into the side of the rock.  I pick up my tools and start banging away. After lathering up a good sweat and humming a tune to myself...banging rock...cutting stone....suddenly a man is in front of me.  I'm guessing he is the new partner they have sent to help me finish this project.

"Extra tools over there for ya" as I point to the corner.  The man walks over and bends down and grabs the sledge hammer...he begins to pound away with me---in rhythm.  "A lot going on 'round here today" I said.  He just kept banging away...seemingly enjoying the physical work. 

It's easy to get lost inside your own thoughts with everything happening recently.  So much commotion...people happy...people angry...people sad but everyone has strong feelings this week. The past week was kind of a blur....

The man stopped...I can only see his profile but never his full face...

Deliberately he heads up the stairs and outside into the new sunshine.  The man speaks with a woman....low talking at first...then she is embracing him like an old friend.  "Strange" I thought but I went back to work.  Soon he came back and was back to work hammering and pounding the area into submission. 

The guards that were here on my last work day are no longer here...and it is very quiet once the woman leaves.

This is not my favorite job for a stone cutter--but it pays the bills.  I don't like the thoughts about being here amongst the dead.

The job is moving along quickly with my new partner.  He is very quiet but he is a good worker I thought to myself.  I wish everyone would partner like this.

"Let's break for lunch" I said.  The man headed back outside with me.  "Hard to believe all that has happened this week--eh friend?!"

"What do you mean?" asked the fellow stone cutter?

"I mean...the man riding in a week ago as the awaited Messiah...and then by a week later--his crucifixion--the leaders got rid of him quickly..."

"What man is this?" asked the fellow stone cutter.

"The carpenter from Galilee...the man with astute learnedness in all of the books of the law...and a man who was unafraid of the temple leaders...he called it like it was...sometimes kind and gentle fighting to allow the children to come to his side...other times fiercely full of fire to heal the sick--and drive out demons....and compassion--there was nobody like him...he always gave more to others."

"He sounds like quite a man" stated the fellow stone cutter.  "Oh--he was" I said....and then I was out to get bread on the morning before the sabbath...and suddenly a man next to me was taken by the Roman guards to carry this man's cross up the long hill."

"The man was a prophet of some sort...yet he couldn't escape their grasp" I said.  It's sad that it comes down to the powerful...having the power to do as they wish."

The fellow stone cutter grunted...then stated "Maybe there was a different plan even more powerful than what meets the eye" he stated...

Two men came running up looking like they were racing for their very lives...they raced past and to the tomb next door.  Like was shining brightly out from the darkness.  "Strange things still happening" I said.  "I was told to mind my business and stick to my work....so I have."

"Indeed...and you have done that" stated the fellow stone cutter.  "You have carved and pounded and cut out an area for the future dead to be laid" he observed. "You have done what you know to do by trade...skillfully carving through the solid rock."

"It reminds me that since your wife died two years ago...you have been as impenetrable as the very rock you work on."

Shocked at the fellow stone cutter knowing a part of my very own story--I quipped "How do you know these things and who are you?"

I felt a burning in my heart as if a laser had pierced my armor that had long protected my broken heart.

"James...I have come to cut through the stone around your very heart...here...today."

As the fellow stone cutter finished uttering these words he slowly turned and I caught his face and his eyes for the very first time...there was a fire in his eyes like lightning...he placed his massive hand over my chest--over my heart...there were scars on his hands...Suddenly I felt my own heart--pounding strongly--and I was keenly aware of it...it felt as though a weight had dropped off of my chest and shoulders...and instead of just being--just living--I was aware I was alive...and then he was gone.

There were many other stories I heard through the next few days...strange appearances...to the men who rented my upstairs room --and to other women as well.

I can never forget the fellow stone cutter who looked within me and spoke my story---the man who broke through my stone encrusted heart and brought my sorrow out...the man who cut away the stone and brought me back to life.

the Mysterious Silent Blessing

 Once upon a time...The sun peeked over the horizon and spread its warmth across the valley. The royal flags waved in the breeze of a beautiful early summer morning.

The trumpets raised and declared the departure of the royal caravan.  The precise pointed notes declaring greatness and grandeur.

The King and Queen approached the gates on their beautiful black Spanish mustangs. They snorted and raised their heads as they fell into the procession line of all family and staff...it was time for a trip. There were the royal cooks, attendants and servants, magicians, wise men, doctors and clergy.  Everyone was traveling this day.

They trotted over hills and down through beautiful valleys to the neighboring kingdom.  All along their journey there was expectation in the air...balloons, singing, waving and joy for the impending event.

Around the corner they came...As they crossed the river across the bridge approaching the castle destination...the sun hid its face...the clods hung low...a gray fog was looming low all about and it eerily rolled over their feet and hid the surrounding valley and surrounding hills and orchards.

They approached the gates but the guards stood frozen...unable or unwilling to move or return the greeting.  The gates stood closed and locked...

Through the bars of the gate opening one could see the musicians who stood in the middle of the town square--instruments prepared and ready...yet silent.

The servants jumped in and raised the gate to allow the royal caravan to enter.  The King motioned a grateful wave and the soldiers moved to the forefront to examine the strange scene before them.

As everyone entered the courtyard..they dismounted horses and carriages...

They had expected to see a welcoming brigade worthy of a royal wedding.
Instead--they saw a kingdom frozen under a gloomy sky locked in time and unable to move forward.

The king moved bravely through the castle doors and into the banquet hall...preparations had been made...but there was a haze that took away the luster of anything resembling anything of celebration.

Everywhere were servants, attendants, soldiers....all locked in a set position.

The king summoned his magicians first..."what has happened here?".  "My lord-"-they said..."it is the work of a dark spell for certain." "Proceed carefully for we know not the origin of these strange doings."

The King became more concerned... He proceeded forward to the chapel--strewn with hanging streamers...wild flowers bouquets...but strangely dark and locked in time.  "What evil trickery is this?"... There in the side room was his daughter...the princess...dressed in her wedding gown...but it looked hazy and grey in the dim lighting and the low fog penetrating every area as far as the eye could see. She did not answer his call.

The King called for his wise men..."What is the remedy?" declared the King.  "My lord...we know not what induced this dark spell over your daughters kingdom."

There was a rustling heard across the room...one lone peasant was moving..."You" thundered the King..."You come HERE...this instant." Frightened the timid young man approached.

"What has happened here?" demanded the King. Shaking at the sight of the King...The timid young man could only say "it is surely a spell"..."and one of which the origins point back to those seeking answers" and he bowed his head.

What could this mean wondered the King.  He turned back but now his Queen was locked and frozen in time and place...his servants and even his soldiers. Growing ever more frightened the King mustered the courage...to inquire "who are you?" The young man answered..."I was the fool...just the entertainment for this occasion..."

"What is your name" asked the King "and do you intend me harm as well?"
"Aggin" he stammered "and no my lord...I have no ill intentions for you...for you are needed to break the spell."

"You see my lord...you've been here before....it was time for the royal blessing of affirmation.  The trumpets signaled the words were coming the doves were released into the air...the stage was set my lord... and..." He stopped as if the pain of retelling the story was causing intense pain to recall the details.

"Yes--go on" stated the King....
"Well Sire...you opened your mouth and silence filled the air."
"There was no royal affirmation spoken...Instead you only gave silence.  From this moment on..the Princess is locked in time and cannot be released without the words she needs to hear...only then can the spell be broken."

The King stared at his beautiful daughter...he thought about memories of running through the royal forest together playing games...and watching her ride majestically across the meadows and jumping streams with her golden pony tail bouncing and free.  He thought of her prankster side always playing jokes on the royal guards to gain a chuckle.  He thought of her sense of adventure the time she had rode off to see the big city on her own when he wouldn't grant her permission to go.  He pondered all of these things...so many wonderful and unique qualities...yet he had never spoken a one over her...instead only the quiet...he felt ashamed...and deeply broken.

A tear rolled down his cold stiff cheek as his mind raced through so many memories and bright thoughts of his daughter.  The fog was creeping up his side and he could feel the chill of stillness approaching his own heart.  Like a man coming out of his own fog...he cleared his throat and looking boldly towards his daughter the Princess..."I don't know if you can hear me...but I need to speak over you...Growing up you were an amazing bright child that loved to do mischievous deeds to our guards--sometimes even tying their shoelaces together...of course I dared not laugh to urge you on further.  You loved to race through the forests...ever running faster as if you might take off and take to flight at any moment."

As the king was speaking his words the fog began to retreat...and the horizon yielded its light for the first time in who knows how long....

"I loved to see the joy and pleasure when you rode your stallion...jumping the streams and racing through the meadows.  I saw...but I never spoke of it.  Twas never silliness of a wayward damsel--but the dreams of a growing princess racing towards her future kingdom.  Finally--I saw when you raced off head strong for the big city with no support and no protection of guards.  My heart was broken when I thought of you being gone...I always thought you would be here by my side. Twas adventure for you and I can see that now in the light of the future." Tears were now streaming down the King's face and the streams shown gold to everyone there.  Everyone was now bright...filled with color and beginning to be alert and hear.  His daughters eyes slightly turned and were locked onto those of her father the King..she was hearing every word as if receiving treasure.

She was almost undone at the sound of these long unspoken words that her heart had not dare to openly hope to hear.

"I bless you my daughter the Princess...go forward from this time with the knowledge of my deep love for you and joy of seeing your happiness.  You have brought so much joy to my heart...I only wish you could move forward with the same joy from this place and claim your kingdom that awaits your presence."

Suddenly everything looked different in the sharp brilliance of the light...
The spell had been broken by the assistance of a fool...the wisdom of the simple defies bright ideas of the learned and wise men and magicians...because our words have power...the power to change the world and the world of those we love in our life.  So many opportunities for blessing are met with silence.  Many other times they can be met with the yelling words of a tyrant as well--but now that is a different story in an adjacent kingdom.

If only we truly had the opportunity to give our words Aggin...or Again as it is pronounced today... then we could surely guaranty a happily ever after ending...

The moral of this story is that our words have power and that power is unmeasurable...we can declare the truth we see and bless...or we can sit silent and keep our children frozen in time...locked in place and unable to move forward. It doesn't matter what we ourselves received or did not receive...the power and opportunity to bless sits the same before us.

"Get What You Came For"

 I was driving at twilight across the Kentucky countryside...it was cold, barren, desolate and dimming by the moment as the last bit of sunlight faded...As I pulled into the parking lot it was already packed and the darkness of early nightfall in January pervaded over the countryside...making it cold, dark and uninviting. I caught a chill as I bounced out of my car looking for a sign of where the entrance was. 

As I approached the building and paid the entrance fee my eyes were scanning looking for my son Grant.  It was a sea of college aged kids--and the event was a series of fights for different weight classes.

I saw my son's friend Sam and Grant appear from around the corner- side by side - and that was the first and only friendly faces I encountered.  Being somewhat suspicious of others to begin with, I had no problem going into my defensive mode....Grant had his hand wraps on and was shadow boxing and listening to his own adrenaline pumping music.

I've known and watched Grant for a long time--but he was laser focused this night in a way I hadn't seen before...some of the other fighters were walking up and down this hallway--eyeballing him...making comments, being rude, disrespectful, and many other things I can't really say here--suffice it to say that their own narcissism or fears played itself out right before my eyes.

Grant and I had talked in front of the ocean about dreams.  Now I'm not always a huge dreamer but I do have a few things I will share with those I am tight with in my inner circle if I'm asked. Some dreams are: I want to write or speak in a way that makes the world a better place--a way that changes others--and changes the world, I wanted to manage a team using principles I've learned in difficult places--allowing others to do what they do best--managing from a place of trust--having a high level of accountability--and promoting from within--reducing turnover--increasing morale--all of which = operating from within Trust to give others hope, and I want to see stories have second chances for redemption and restoration.

Grant has dreams too...one has always been to box...to test himself against a great fighter--to see if he can hang against the best. 4 years previously as a freshman he had considered joining a fraternity--mainly for the chance to box in an event that year.  He had agonized over staying independent and then not being allowed to participate and compete.  He had always lamented over the fact that he had never gotten his opportunity to really test himself.

This year, while he was working a job and being a full time student, he began to attend a gym and found himself a mentor that was willing to tutor and train him about the discipline and skills needed to actually fight.  We all need mentors in life that will speak into our lives and encourage us--and teach us....He worked really hard and pushed himself to learn, watch, read and train...he learned so much and pushed himself until he was ready for a test to see how far he had come.

We can all try things--but we never know what we've got within us until we have an opponent to measure our growth.

All of the jeers and taunting he received as he entered the auditorium--he seemed impervious to...he was a picture of concentration--ready to be tested.

In the very first round instead of "touching up" gloves he was greeted with a pretend touch up and thud to the head by an undefeated fighter. What happens in life when we get rocked determines in large part who we will become and who we really are. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78ZaREPJd-Q

If you can see the video on you tube (paste this link) with that address please do--it's riveting...not just because it's my son...but because it's a man determined to show to himself and the world that he belongs.

I was keeping a score in my mind at ringside--I had him winning round 1 and behind in round 2.  As he was drinking some water and talking with Sam for strategy he was looking a little tired and unsure for the first time that night. I had little to no time to think up advice...I suddenly found myself yelling--"Grant"--"Get what you came for."

Sometimes it's not the long speeches but rather the wisdom of the simplistic.  What did you come all this way for in your journey?  Well--are you going to let that moment pass--or are you going to grab a hold and wrestle it with all you have within you?!

As the final bell sounded I realized I had seen my son chase a dream and wrestle it with all of his might...and it revitalized my own dreams within me.  I had more to give and still do...and I need to step up and train with an intensity and purpose to exceed that which I had just been a witness to...

I intend to "get what I came for" in 2018...

unfinished business

There was once twelve spies that had a mission...they were sent to spy out the land of Canaan.  Don't worry this isn't strictly a bible story--so hang with me for a moment...

They went out and saw a beautiful and bountiful land ...the land was producing amazing crops and then they saw the Anakim...giant like people and descendants of Anak the giant.  They felt tiny and powerless to defeat such an imposing people...their Fear prevented them from stepping forward and believing this to be their moment of destiny...and trusting in the good things God was promising to them.

Only two of the twelve spies returned a good report--Joshua and Caleb.

When the people as a whole decide to heed the majority's report--they decide to not proceed and they are sentenced to wander in the desert and wilderness until that whole generation dies.  Interesting that the only two that don't die are Joshua and Caleb.

Not much else is known about Caleb except that once Israel captures Jericho and begins to occupy the land---Caleb is remembered--and he is asked what part of the land he wants.  Remember, Caleb is an 85 year old man at this point.  Still, he had unfinished business with the Anakim.  He requested that his inheritance be the rugged and mountainous region near Hebron--and the stronghold of the Anakim.  Caleb said "give me this mountain...it may be that the Lord shall be with me, and I will be able to drive them out" Joshua 14:12.  What Israel failed to embrace forty years earlier--Caleb was anxious to embrace as an old man.

Unfinished business....it can bring insurmountable fear or it can become the mission of stepping out despite our fear.

I'm not 85 yet and I'm not going to compare myself to one of the spies that left a good report...(in fact those who know me well--know that I probably would have given the fearful bad report--yet God still goes before me to bless and give me another opportunity to set things right) but I do compare the fact (and I see it in many other men my age) there are some missions that I haven't fully stepped into despite the opportunities...and I call it unfinished business.

I've been just talking out loud with God this week and he kept bringing this story of Caleb to me and this 85 year old man leading a charge saying "take the land.!"  I keep mulling over what it means but there can be no misinterpretation of his words for me this year...

The table is set and I've spied it out...

Abba's Way is a mission that provides the setting to connect Dads with their sons and daughters in events like "The Father's Heart" and the Father's Delight." What are these events about you ask?

Join us for the Father’s Heart Weekend and make a memory with your son that will last a lifetime. This weekend will provide everything you need to bless, affirm, and provide a rite of passage for your son. Just show up, and we’ll do the rest.
The Father’s Heart Weekend is a life-changing experience for fathers and their sons. Celebrate the boy and call out the man in your son this year! 

This is a no technology bonding weekend that your son will never forget.  When we give of ourselves as Fathers--our time, our words, our actions and our attention...the results are there as much for us as for our children.

Join us for Father’s Delight! A day of Adventure, Ceremony, and Celebration that offers so much more than a father/daughter dance. This event is for girls age 6-12 and their father.

“Once upon a time” are among the most enchanting words a young girl hears. She grows up seeing herself as a princess and imagining one adventure after another. She lives in the land of make believe daily, so, what better way to connect with your daughter than to step inside the fairy tale with her for a day.

Father’s Delight is a magical day you and your daughter will never forget that includes: all kinds of activities, low ropes course events, and a dinner & dance that will rival any castle balls dreamed of in her fairy tales.  It will give her kindness and love as you share your time and your heart for her.

 Mission 1:
I've volunteered many times at their events but now I am looking to be a leader and that's much different...It's scary to know I can't just blend in...or simply show up to assist.  So much time and planning behind the scenes must occur...and finding the voice at the right moments to not interfere but to inspire and augment the events.  Finding the voice and remaining authentic is a daunting task for an introvert.  It has to be that the beautiful and good outcomes must overcome the fear in getting there. It also requires God to show up in places for me to set the table so I can step in just as he panned.

Mission 2:
I have 77 staff on my team at work now...we have made incredible strides in this department and setting that has never been accomplished before...every measurable statistic has improved greatly..and yet...in my heart there is another level to this that I need to communicate the vision I can see and lead in laying out the steps to go from really really good--to GREAT. Some things can't be measured in a statistic--but felt by the internal and external customers daily.  I don't want to lose all of the good things we have...and it could all crash and burn so easily...yet in my gut I know I'm called to lead us to the great this year.  Everyone looks around and can see the really really good and feels good about it--so why embark on a further mission and risk losing the current created culture?  When I invite others to look at the mission and invite them to help me develop it all--I see blank stares and realize very few can see the picture I'm painting...Now I need to paint it but describe the strokes--the vision slower and develop it in their heads and hearts before moving forward.  Again--the table is set--and we need to embark on this mission...The mission is some unfinished business for me personally.

Now that I've penned it to paper...it's truly out there for all to see and know if I've followed through in 2018.

Mission 3:
There is one more bit of unfinished business and this one will remain unspoken on this blog.  Although I am keeping it anonymous it is the third piece of this trilogy that is truly unfinished business.  Suffice it to say that it will require a miracle and it's not all up to me to orchestrate the pieces and parts into place but again will require courage and set aside fear. No matter how it fully plays out--it will be a chapter of redemption--and any time that is our goal -- it aligns with God's heart and the larger story that plays out every day.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time
 Mark Twain

I am looking forward to "fully living" more in 2018...

To quote Caleb -it's time to "Take the Land!!!"

Prison

It was completely dark.  Only some random clanging outside my room somewhere out in the dark corridor.

I surveyed the room in the darkness...lighter and darker shadows but nothing to the normal naked eye.  My eyes had become accustomed to the darkness...I could see more than most in this shadowy graveyard.

The cold stone floors I sat upon were unyielding and cold.  The stone wall I pressed my back against and wondered if anyone knew I was here...for so long I had assumed I was long forgotten.

For so long...silence and darkness...darkness and silence...which came first?  I was swallowed whole by both and drowning in the hopelessness of the darkness.  Almost cruelly I was persevering breath by breath to keep myself gasping from drowning and going down forever.

How long has it been this way?  I wasn't certain. Did it hurt?  I didn't even think about that anymore...it was immaterial...I was a survivor only in being alive.

I heard footsteps...something I hadn't heard in years...another person?  A tormentor?

The door slowly creaked open and a crack of light pierced the darkness and shown like a beam...the pureness of a blinding beacon...it was terrifying and yet the surprise was welcomed to my routine of hopelessness and solitude.

There was a silhouette...a silhouette of two strangers...the one low to the ground leading the way...almost growling with deep breaths and courageous intensive purpose.  The one behind him was strangely familiar and yet foreign all at the same time. I felt a bead of sweat begin to run down my forehead and then trickle down my cheek.

This was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time...a memory of anticipation from the depths of my memory.

"Do you want to be free?" said the deep voice of the one in front.  Free from what? I thought to myself....Do I answer?  What if I answer wrong?

Out of fear of my own waiting reply...I began to shake and quiver with fear...

I suddenly awoke--full of fear and wonder...

...it was all a dream...but what did it mean?  That blinding but beckoning light...the growling creature leading courageously and the other strange but seemingly familiar figure.

Shaking off the stupor of being asleep while awake...I began to get to my knees...I pushed myself and summoned all of the strength I had to command myself to rise.  Slowly and unsteadily my legs began to support my weight and rise. Hunched over yet now standing I suddenly realized there was a slight hint of light around the doorway to my cell...through the bars the light had me wondering..."this is new"....

I reached my hand out shaking...trying to steady myself and my arm.  I grabbed the doorknob.  I suddenly heard a voice "that won't work--it has never worked before--remember."  But I didn't remember...I began to agree with the voice.

Again--out of the darkness...the heavy breathing...almost like a wild animal stalking me...and then a snarling wild sound like a deep growl...It caused me to forget the other voice...my arm gained strength....and yet I was afraid.  I took my hand off the door.

From within my room I heard a voice..."what are you doing" it asked me.  Strange...when did this person arrive...how long had they been there?  Who are you? I thought but I didn't have the courage to squeak out the words.

Again he spoke..."It's about Hope" with deep conviction and a convincing tone.  I almost felt inspired merely from his presence.  "what's about Hope" I asked...suddenly realizing I could speak.  I haven't heard anything --not even the groans of suffering for so long...I had only disconnected resignation.
"Life--it's all about HOPE" he stated.  I wondered...hope for what? hope in what? Where was this going?

"Your journey...and your return" he stated. With exhilaration rising within I could feel energy surging to my muscles and coursing into my veins... What journey and a return to what?  What could this all mean?  A journey---leaving this place?  What will it be like?  Will it be a place of suffering and even darker?  Dare I try to listen and make a journey?

"Come on --we have to try" he stated...his voice encouraging and booming out into the darkness urging me to open the door.  I reached out again...quivering...  "It's time for your return" he thundered out...his voice again--authoritative and sure of his words...sure of his mission.  Gaining confidence from his words and encouragement I again reached for the knob...frightened but my adrenaline now flowing...I gave it a turn.

To my utter surprise it opened.  Some light from the corridor began to pour into the darkness of the room...it was blinding to my eyes which had not seen anything but darkness for so long.  Suddenly a voice again... "there's nothing for you out there...only death awaits you."

So frightened by the words...I pulled the door closed quickly and cowered in the corner by my usual stone wall. It all felt hopeless and pointless...what was I trying to prove anyways?

Exhausted by all of it...I started to doze off again...then I heard the loud breathing of that wild animal...snorting and growling and not to be run off...he seemed to have an intentional purpose in his presence.  "I will go before you" he snarled... The shadow across the room raised his voice as well..."They await your return" he stated...confident and steady.  "It's all about the journey"....gaining strength from the voice and the creature--I decided to again open the door and follow the creature. I turned to ask the shadow with the voice if he were coming too.  The place where the voice came from was empty...he was gone...yet I didn't feel sad...I wondered where the voice had gone to....

My eyes had begun to grow accustomed to the low glow of some shadowy light as I followed the creature into the hallway and down past many other doors.  Each door had a small window with bars at the top.  I wondered..what are all these doors and rooms?  I stopped and peeked in...to my shock there was a hulk of a creature in this room...he was a Wild man.  Better he be behind that door than out here with me is what I thought to myself.  "What is his fate" I asked the shadowy creature.  "This is not yet his time for his journey" stated the creature.  "His time will come soon enough."

In the next door on the opposite side of the hall...a golden light was emanating from within.  Strange...and yet drawing me to it...I peered deep inside wondering what I would see next on this journey.  To my surprise I saw only the back of very large and outstretched wings. The wings were so bright and golden and light seemed to reflect everywhere from them.  A bit blinding...I thought..yet useful and comforting to have a creature so bright in such a dark world..."Can he come on the journey" I asked the creature...expecting to be turned down again.  "Sure enough" snarled the creature breathing deeply -- almost growling.  "He will follow to guard you from behind."  I opened the door and this amazing golden thunder bird began to hop behind me ...when he outstretched his wings there was no room behind me for anything else that I could see...it was a safety I hadn't known before and also there was no turning back at this point.

We continued down the hallway and I stopped at each door to ask about the occupants...behind one door an un-aged beautiful falcon the creature announced "New Falcon"...another the creature announced was "Justice." Each door the creature would announce the name--for some--- the doors would open and the occupants would assemble and fall into line behind us...for others it was not yet their time and they sat motionless in their cells of despair...seemingly unknowing that each cell door remained unlocked...just like mine had been.

The corridor was growing brighter and brighter...but the journey was becoming so long...I began to have doubts...what if this creature intends to devour me himself?  How do I dare to trust him?

At long last....We arrived at the end of the corridor and to a doorway that sunlight streamed in from around every crack and side.

"Do you want to be free?" thundered the creature....

 He pushed the door a crack... and more light streamed in...Turning to look at me full in the face I suddenly realized the creature was a Lion--frightening and powerful with a huge golden mane glistening in the sunlight.  "I will always go before you" he roared... and he was gone...he disappeared.

Was he just a dream...is this all a trap?  The fear was creeping back in ...yet the light was before me and the golden winged creature was behind me....and the others were walking with me on this journey.

Suddenly the light was gone...I heard a voice...a familiar voice--"It's all about the journey...a journey of Hope"...it was the silhouette's familiar voice...but it was coming from within me.  I stumbled into the room and fell on a carpet with the others all around me seemingly from every side.  There was a man I fell into.  It was the second man that had come to my prison...the one who was familiar yet very distant from a memory of some kind....as I looked at his face I realized I hadn't seen him for many, many years. The last time I had seen him he was a much younger man--perhaps even just a boy.

Suddenly feelings came rushing into me...the blood began pumping...joy, fear, sadness and empathy all at once rushed into the chambers and I remembered my name "Heart" I said.

I looked again but the stranger who was in front of me was now gone.

From within I heard the silhouette's voice "The journey continues...Voice and Heart have returned."

Suddenly a trumpet piercing the room as if announcing our arrival...a dramatic fanfare.  The lion was there suddenly and spoke "Heart has returned after years of solitary banishment...Voice has now joined as well...all is as it was intended...I will renew and restore this creature..."

I suddenly realized that the golden creature was not behind me.  I caught a glimpse in the mirror of the shining walls of the room--and caught a glimpse of my reflection..I was that golden creature...the Voice and Heart had found their place once again...within the Golden Raven.

"The journey continues" stated Golden Raven and he spread his golden wings and set a course towards the horizon...seemingly straight into the rising sunlight. Hope was rising with his flight as the light streamed across the sky.

Knowing the ending doesn't spoil this story

Usually knowing the ending to a story can really ruin the whole book...the whole shootin' match...

A strange title and a little "off" from the every day jargon we have become accustomed to.

This is a part of my story...

I went to a weekend 8 years ago to deal with some of my lifelong built up anger and disappointment with people, with life...

One of the many challenges coming out from that weekend was that I wanted to be encouraging and challenge others...to speak in to their lives..to give hope.  I wanted to become who I was meant to be. Of course to speak into others lives means we need to have a voice and walk along in life with others--neither of which I was participating in regularly.

I was challenged by one man to journal about every relationship I'd ever had with anyone--any contact at all...and then list two words to sum it up.  It was difficult but I did this assignment and journaled about every person in my life I could think of and then I came to a realization that had I heard it from anyone else I would have dismissed it and been angry...but there was no one to argue with or dispute my own words that stared back like a window into my soul.

All of the disappointments...all of the anger...defensiveness...
Each relationship had a summary with the same pattern of they had wronged me in some way and I was alone or forgotten now. Either it's a worldwide conspiracy or I needed a change of heart.

I was watching the movie "Kingdom of Heaven" and watched a scene that deeply resonated with my heart. Liam Neeson is speaking to his son and trying to give him wisdom.  They are headed to Jerusalem during the crusades period and his son has shame and guilt from his past that he can't let go of.  His Father realizes this and offers this advice "There at the end of the world..you are not what you were born--but what you have within yourself to be" Baron of Ibelin.

If it is indeed what we have within ourselves to be--then the responsibility is mine to change this story...and change the ending.

I had been looking at all of the relationships in the wrong way...they were all mini stories that were part of the overall story. The plot was flawed from the start.

Brene Brown talks about a moment in one of her books where she talks with her husband and comes to the realization that those who hold the premise that basically people are doing their best from where they're at in their own story...if we approach it from there...I am free to not have to be judge and jury but rather I'm free to move on in my life.

When I approached life from this premise it's amazing how the happier people I talked to were indeed ones who agreed with this premise.

This also allowed me and even dared me to reconnect emotionally with life...

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
--CS Lewis

This quote WAS my story...I was safe and intact.  It had to change or the story would always remain the same.

“The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”
― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

So reconnecting after years of disconnect was not an easy road.  In order to choose a different ending and make this a life worth getting up and battling each day---I needed some changes indeed to say the least.

Choosing how the story ends is an interesting thought because it begins with the end in mind.

I know what I want the ending to be...what are some things I need to battle with daily to get there?

Vulnerability, transparency and humility were now my powerful allies where I had believed in self protection and determination as some model of courage.

It's really easy to judge..it's much harder to continuously put yourself out there every day...

I found a path in reading some interviews with Bob Goff and his book Love Does.
Bob had discovered profound gratefulness in the scenes from his life...instead of seeing them as disconnected scenes they were actually woven together in their very fabric through the thread of gratefulness. Someone had given him some of their time when that was something they had the least of to give him.  This realization has fostered an intentional direction to live by gratefulness and loving others well. "Loving people well means living with constant interruption" he states...how true and there it is.  I wasn't reacting kindly to the interruptions of these relationships...yet isn't that how life unfolds?  Difficult relationships are available all around us--and it's our choice to engage or to live like love is in short supply or to stand in the gap and give hope.

"People who live their lives filled with gratefulness see more waterfalls because they are looking for them" Bob Goff.

That reminds me of my first encounter that same year with the hummingbirds migration.  I went to Warner Park and I sat down exhausted from the different jobs I was working and lost in thought.  As I changed my focus to what was directly in front of me I started to see first one...then two..then tens...even fifty different hummingbirds.  They were all around me but I wasn't looking for them--so I missed their very presence like a blind man...a blind man to their beauty, speed, change of directions and the joy of watching them go go go...

As I stood there 7 years ago and looked out the back of the fast food store I was working in--I looked out over the city scape and trash dumpster area and saw the usual telephone poles, hot humid air rising but I saw something else in the usual dismal cityscape.  There in the ugliness was a beautiful double rainbow over the city.  It reminded me there were redeeming stories and scenes everywhere on my journey...and it began to fuel a desire to intentionally plot a course through the very middle of that city to listen to others stories, encourage and refuel belief where belief had been lost...it's about giving hope.

...and if you know that it's about giving hope...you know the ending of this story.

redemptive dreams

Redemptive Dreams

What is it about a dream or wish that makes us come so alive?  That slight flutter within my heart that wants to believe...wants to grab hold tightly--but it's too good to believe. It's a little excitement...anxiety...hope almost fulfilled...a hope for something to happen.  By definition --really a wish.

wish

wiSH/

verb

1. 1.

   feel or express a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable; want something that cannot or probably will not happen.

   synonyms:

   desire, want, hope for, covet, dream of, long for, yearn for, crave, hunger for, lust after;More

noun

1. 1.

   a desire or hope for something to happen.

   
   

   synonyms:

   desire, longing, yearning, inclination, urge,

2. 
   
3. I think I should explain.  A week ago Michelle shared something personal that was laid on her heart--something private and really improbable...perhaps a wish in a perfect world.  I listened...pondered what she was sharing...and having those words touch a long since buried and unattainable dream - I came to life.
4. 
   

Dreams can fuel us in ways no one can explain.  The next morning when we had a few moments to unpack the conversation from the night before she wanted to talk about how "alive and full of life" I became when the subject came up. So much of life can be mundane and survival...our own comforts and selfishness.

Dreams bring life--they allow our hearts to fully come alive. 

Little did she know what those words would mean to me and my heart.

The subject...adoption.

On the surface it looks ridiculous to even consider such things.  Most parents my age are considering their next chapter in life and their children moving out and on with their own lives.  With so much drama and events in our lives--why consider such things? I can hear others thinking "are you kidding me? They can't handle the children they already have!"

In 2006 Michelle and I were considering such things when a few drastic events and diagnosis buried the dream under an insurmountable pile of events. At the time I thought "God--how can you take this dream away?  It's a good thing, it's not selfish...surely you will not have it end shattered?!"

Many years later as God was working on Michelle's heart...and the time and place to present this back into her mind and thoughts...She is so gifted with making our house a "home"...she makes each person feel truly cared for and special. She shared with me what she was feeling and... Boom--I was right back connected to that dream again.

What she didn't know was that I've been praying about "legacy" and how to change the world.  Most people think grandiose and I have considered some ideas regarding starting a new organization...as well as I've been helping with "the Father's Heart--Abba's Way" and sharing parts of my story at father & son outings. I've even considered that perhaps sharing kindness at work might be the only significant accomplishment I leave.  Many times I have observed God working change not in the big--but in the small....taking what we have and making it bigger in the end.  What better way to do that than by changing 1 life?

As my story has taken twists and turns I have come to know a few truths about God the father.  He recycles the pain and failures in our stories...he uses the theme of restoration and redemption as his personal fingerprints and signature on every story I've observed when we allow it.

I'm a little slow on the uptake of realizing things and connecting the dots.  What I have witnessed is that my greatest joys in my life have occurred when I've allowed God to complete a story of redemption...and I've engaged in the story as a willing active participant and let him provide the opportunity--and watched him work a miracle.  

One of my most valued possessions in life is my relationship with my son Grant.  This relationship is fulfillment of a dream...a redemptive one where even though I didn't have that special or desire or relationship with my own dad...he taught me to not quit or give up...to pursue my son the way I had wanted to be pursued by my dad.  I had no blueprint or training that qualified me other than the school of failures...God uses what we have...I knew what I didn't have...it became everything I imagined and more.  Grant is my best friend.  He has incredible dreams.  He is a fantastic communicator...and he "gets me" when I share an idea or story.

It's just an example of God using and redeeming what was there in my life.  He knows my imperfections and shortcomings and yet he sees other things in me as well.  I imagine that is how God sees us.

God also has a way of leaving "calling cards" as have come to know them.

What are calling cards?  Reminders that we are seen and known as only an intimate ally could know.

I have a memory of golfing with my brother about 15 years ago.  Now, I hate golfing and golf was the activity--but as I teed off on that short par 3 over some water and cat tails I heard this distinct sound of a bird call.  I felt the warm rays of sun beaming down onto my face.  I felt the slight breeze and I saw the image of this beautiful bird in front of me.

The redwing blackbird has become a calling card for communication between God and I.  It's a reminder that he remembers the joy I felt in that moment.  It's like "hey Glenn...remember this?  I know you care about this" and it grabs my attention.

At different times he will bring back that distinctive call to make sure he has my attention--not as the focal point--but to alert me that he's on the move and something's about to happen.

When I had the dream of making a difference in one life--reawaken last week--as soon as I spoke it out loud...drama in events and family immediately erupted. I know what it is--an attack to keep the dream from fruition.  Everything possible comes against our dreams--even those with the best of intentions have ugly results against it everywhere.  Even work things that were not working out suddenly change at that moment...why?  Because we get everything thrown at us--even possible busyness of success to keep us from fulfilling our dreams. They are old tricks...but they work so often so we see these used repeatedly to take us out and detour us.

I brought up the "calling cards" part because this dream is not imminent...it will not be happening this month...but God was reminding me with this calling card--"hey Glenn--remember this? I do..."

God was the only one who could weave his redemption and restoration theme throughout my life with Grant"s and my relationship...to the point where we have gone to father & son weekends to talk about our relationship.  Who saw this as possible?

There are other events in my life and parts of my story where the timing isn't now for redemption and restoration..but I trust God is working out his theme...I feel it ... and I know it--with deep confidence and conviction.  When the time comes..if I am willing-- the pieces will all come together a a beautiful mosaic piece of redemption I couldn't possibly have dreamed. Maybe adoption isn't the path he will choose...he always dreams bigger than me.

In my own life growing up the drama of foster children and adopted children left me sad and feeling forgotten.  It would be crazy to re-enter that world and wouldn't make a lot of sense in the world's economy.  Logically I should be running in the opposite direction. In my heart, I know God is longing to restore and heal that piece of my story.

Although the timing is still not now...he speaks with a reminder of "hey--remember--this is something you care about...and I will redeem this too in your life."