the Mask

Now then what is this about--a mask? masquerade?--in a way yes.... and yes...

All men come up against the world...come into the fight all too soon against our enemy.  Our enemy is shrewd...a studied tactician of war.  He knows far better than us who we have been destined to become and he fears it.  His objective is to always wound us in some great way that alters our course---changes who we become.  He wants us to be diminished and disqualified from using our voice and becoming who we were always intended to be.

In springing an attack before we even realize there is a war at hand....he gets the upper hand and gets us to make an agreement.  These agreements can be very subtle at first, but they continue to grow and wear a path deep into our persons.  It becomes a mask as I call it, an identity that works for us--at least for a season...and we continue to do what works for us. It's very subtle at first when we decide this mask has helped us get through that situation or crisis, but it becomes a path we count on repeatedly more and more often.  For example--a man is left alone and makes an agreement he has been forgotten.  He takes on the mask persona of strength albeit a defensive profile...but he succeeds in pushing others back from attacking him or bothering him.  He also pushes others back from knowing him and perhaps his truest intended strength was to use his ability to speak to others and speak to them deeply while building a bond with empathy and compassion.  What better way to take this man out of the equation than to take away his voice, his relational side with others and have him desire to be left alone?

The sad part about what is attacked is that it's usually very close to a unique feature or strength that was God given and intended to be given out to others from our truest self.  By taking that out of the picture we flounder with substitutes or masks that provide us a level of identity but make no mistake---it is not our true self or who God intended us to be.

The great part of the mask is that sooner or later in a man's life, that very mask that provided identity and a type of internal compass will fail him...it will actually work against him.  While this will provide a crisis in that man's life, it is also the only way for God to get our attention as men and lead us to a place of looking deep into the story in a different way.  God wants to father us and share and show us a picture of what he always intended for us to be.  If we allow him he will take us back to the pain of the place where we made our first commitment...a place I call the fracture.

The fracture was where we took that first fatal hit---and veered off course to survive--but not thriving in the glory of that truest self God desires and created us for.

The good thing is that if we ever get a change in perspective and softening in our heart...then God will take us back to that point--show us truth in that---and reset the fracture.  He cloaks us with a gift of transparency.  If we decide to wear transparency instead of the mask...we have chosen to live from God's strength instead of from our masked identity and self strength.  If we do this--others see the transparency and it points back to God, it is different--we are different.  It will also reveal over time what it is that God uniquely gifted us with and what he intended for us as our true identity.

What true male brotherhood and companionship provide are brothers sharing what they see and a vision for who we are becoming...this is true brotherhood.

When a fracture heals there might be extra calcium around it, a little more pronounced...but it is stronger than ever in that area.  The place of wounding therefore becomes a place of great strength.  Out of our scars God brings gold--a place of discovering a new strength.  It is the great healer meeting our hurt head on--nothing short of amazing.  The hero of the story arrives and sets things right.  This is not a different mask though--because of our willingness to be transparent in our lives--it shows us as our truest selves--the one God had in mind when he uniquely created us.

If we do not step into that--then the world will miss out on us--because there is no one else exactly like us designed specifically for that purpose.  What is that purpose?  Shed the mask, step into transparency and allow God to father you towards that realization.

There are very few men I have spoken to in life that truly live from this transparency...but those that do and it is obvious when you meet them...for they speak with a bold authority--they realize who they are and they are confident of that identity with Christ. They speak as kings of a kingdom.

The Hope--a modern day psalm

HOPE (a modern day Psalm)

Oh God my God…you are the rescuer of the weary,

The savior of the broken

The lifter of the fallen

Though I have fallen into the pit – yet you shine your light on my face—even in the deepest depths

Though my body is weary, yet you give me the strength I don’t deserve,

Though my mind is dull and weary and unfocussed, yet you raise my senses when needed to complete my work and engage my life’s details

You have rescued my spirit from the crushing weight of hopelessness

Though the climb out of the pit is long and arduous, yet you give me signs along the way of your thoughtfulness of my life—the very realization of your care for me draws a smile from a worn and emotionless face

When did I leave the pit and begin this mountain’s ascent? I almost believe I can see the outline of the peak in the distance—is it hope or is it really there?

You give my soul the fuel to reach the impossible—my life will take flight on the wings of hope…

In my foolishness I attacked each day from my own strength—in folly I wasted time counting on myself…

Yet when I came to the end of me and I cried out to you in despair under tears of relentless pressure…

You answered my calls in tangible ways—you pointed me back to the path-and gave my footing a sure and firm route, your voice whispers to my heart of the impending rescue…you are the hero who fights for me

You have given my soul the compass of community and armed me with sentry’s to guard my weak spots

You have given me a story of grace and hope to share with brothers—and strangers who have fallen alike--a story of standing firm in the face of the avalanche of my own creation…how could I ever want anything more in this story than what the author has given me?

Your strength is incredible and unmeasurable

Oh God—how GREAT you are!!!!

Though you may not choose this path yet to rescue me and redeem my story…I praise you and I TRUST that you are there, your very heart breaks for me and in your plans for me—your heart bursts with excitement in surprises yet in store—oh what wonderful secrets await

Though I can’t possibly imagine your plans and the continuing saga of this story…I will trust--for you truly know me—and your plans stretch me—yet they do not break me….you have safely brought me to this day—and future days

You have given me more days to share my story—to redeem me fully—to heal my heart

I will soar to great heights on the golden wings of the glory of your hope

Living in the now

Living in the now...living in the present is very difficult for many people including me.  So many of us are looking in the rearview mirror, wondering about what could have been.  When we live with regret in the past we relinquish the opportunities in the here and now.  How many things can you actually change by spending your time on the past?  The answer is not much, it is a poor use of time and little return on that investment.

The other end of the spectrum is living with worry about the future.  The future can be planned for but if we live too much for the future again we let slip away all of the time in the present.

Many people have told me I have the character trait of perseverance and it's true...I do.  That gifting can be focussed so much that the whole journey through the present to get through circumstances is entirely missed.  The struggle today hurts and many times I'd rather put my focus further ahead to a better day.

There is a reason it's called the present...it's a gift.  Embrace that gift.

Take the next step and stay present and conscious in the here and now.

the Funeral that changed my life

A few years back on a Monday evening in early Fall...a stagnant night without breeze...I was headed to a funeral.  I'm not sure I would call him a friend, but certainly someone I had known well for some time.

There were many other men I knew and recognized. They had come to pay their respects as well.

As I stood over the covered body I thought about all of the many things this man had meant to me and my life over time....the time he stepped in when as an eight year old I could not yet stand up for myself...beaten badly and not knowing where to turn.

The times I was alone and feeling forgotten...this man was the only person who believed in me and stood courageously between myself and the world. The times I was repeatedly sent to my room without dinner--he fed me with thoughts I took as courage...

Oh there were so many times and situations where he showed up and put forth a brave face--a face of no emotion, set like a flint in a direction--strong and unyielding.  Always looking at the end goal and making sure I stayed on task..not letting any others--or distractions in to help or hurt--and definitely not to feel.

The problem with this man was eventually never learning to forgive and let things go, without learning true forgiveness and the power it gave me by releasing someone else--letting things go....it began to create a log jam in my life.  Eventually that man loomed larger and larger in the scope of my life and everything else began to be smaller and distant memories.  All of the hurt, the pain and the desire for what I saw as righteous justice became my life's false compass--and true North was facing someplace completely in the wrong direction.

As the evening progressed I found myself in front of the body of that man...it was time for me to say some words about him.  "He was a protector, someone who never backed down from a challenge...a man who stepped in the gap--even the gaps in my life.  I hold no anger towards this man--for although he became so looming and large where he was not asked to take a lead.....there was a time when he protected and helped when nothing else worked or made sense. His time had passed."

"There are many faces to a man, and few men that I have met who are true to who they really are...that they know how they are designed by their creator and use those gifts and identity without wearing a mask.  We all wear many masks--created by agreements made in the battles of our lives--battles for our hearts--battles against an enemy desiring to wipe us out BEFORE we become who we were meant to be.  These masks work for a time--yes-if they didn't work, we wouldn't continue to use them. Most men act oblivious to the masks they wear as a false identity. They continue to use each mask because life works for them when they have used it.  I knew I was certainly not who I was meant to be."

"This man was needed at one time to protect the young boy who couldn't speak for himself and protect himself in a dangerous world.  In the absence of a family to protect and nurture he invited in the persona of protection and thus an agreement--that carried on and on."

"There was a time when he was so needed but now we are here tonight to say goodbye to him.  Without his moving on and stepping aside, the boy would never grow up and become who he was intended to be.  We find him admirable for his strengths and mourn his weaknesses that kept him stuck with his limited vision in who he was.  All told, he was who he stated to be--nothing more, nothing less...but it is time to move on."

A funny thing about death---we almost certainly need some things to pass away in order to bring a birth of newness or new life, even new direction.

Sometimes I stop to remember him every now and then, mostly as a reminder of where I was and where I am headed.  That funeral released me to move on...I stopped when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror later that night...surprised to see a face that showed emotion, but no worry lines, no stone face...just a man who was free.

FEARLESS

The Fear

I feel the tingling down in my feet

A sick feeling deep in my gut that shakes me to my core

My head tells me I’ve been here before and will be again…and again

My head tells me I have to figure it all out…and that I am alone

My head droops…I walk without purpose…shuffling along without direction, wanting to hide

I hear myself saying I am alone…

The small voice tells me he was always with me—I was never alone

I want to get sick and throw out the poison from somewhere deep

In my chest my heart beats loudly and I am suddenly aware of it

I breathe deeply and look at the parts which add up to something bad

And though the parts don’t add up—I will not fear

Though everything swirls around me like a tornado whipping about—I will not fear

Catastrophe surrounds me at every angle—I cannot fear—it is not courage I am drawing up but something different ---it is different

The sickening poison of fear must come out from my gut…from deep in my soul—from the dreaded past

The sum whole should not equal peace and yet somehow the promise is for peace

Even retelling my very story should raise the fear and invite it all back into that space shaped just for it

Yet retelling my story points to unexplainable joys and treasures in the middle of the pain, snapshot gifts of life

And as I quiet my soul again I think I hear the small voice speak a word—or a name I need to hear….FEARLESS

How I question what I think I've heard

I refute and reject it entirely and try to move on…

Scenes flash before my eyes…scenes from the past but this time viewed through a different paradigm

With the new perspective what I saw were not cowardly scenes but knowing the internal fears those actions looked brave---is that how you see me?

Standing strong in the face of many fears, crippling fear…

My old mate—not a friend but an occupant of my soul that knows me too well---the enemy that drains my heart

You know me all too well and yet you demand everything, all of my space, all of my energy…it is never enough for you…you want everything

I go back to the Well to draw more strength…when I bring up the bucket there is only that word again…FEARLESS.  

Really  Father?  Is that what you think?

Again he shows me evidence of men who are afraid who become bold, men who lie who become a rock of virtue, men who steal from others who become the biggest generous givers…The economy of what is seen does not equal what they became…a new name was given and a trajectory of an incredible destiny

What I was told all of my life…all of the stories—they push back---they try to ground me...but they will not overcome this new foothold of hope

The wave of dread will not envelope me into darkness this time…it roars at me with all of its might—anger and roaring…but deep inside in my soul is an untouchable foothold that feels some type of unexplainable peace

Although outwardly I shake I continue to press forward…one step, then another….My father sends a message through brothers—"take the next step"—and by only focusing on the next step—and that step only---I have less space for the fear to try to rush back in

My name is Light

I was created to reflect a glory of purely connecting with others, helping them while living completely transparent—without fear—and that is who my Father sees when he looks at me and that is who he says that I am….

being invisible

Being invisible--this is not some sort of super power...

in fact it's quite the opposite....the ability to disappear or become invisible was a highly valued trait in my family growing up.

It was a conversation with my different brothers and sisters as an adult that finally had me connecting these dots of my childhood.  Most of us had some connection to this same part of our stories...trying to not be noticed or seen, trying to be quiet and not make waves, trying to be invisible and survive.

I found these conversations quite sad...and yet I draw strength and joy from the place where I am now--knowing I have come so far from that place of fear and pain.

It's hard to talk about some of the past and my journey.  I find strength and some solace in the fact that we all share some of this same piece in our stories.  We were all somehow separated and surviving, some similarly coping, and some barely surviving.

I also am very angry about how we were separated from each other emotionally and disconnected in that we all needed to individually survive.  In this environment, we were immersed into corporal punishment as a way of dealing with things as simple and foolish as "where are the scissors?"  No one wanted to turn others in and be a snitch, but nobody wanted to be the target of repeated punishment either.  I'm ashamed I didn't stand up for my younger brothers and sisters more than I did.  It was just wrong.  After a while, if I wasn't the target of the day it felt pretty good.  Instead of being celebrated for the good and unique individual gifts we all brought to the family....we learned that not being celebrated or noticed was the best thing we could hope for in this twisted economy.

I'm angry and sad for the missed time with some of my brothers and sisters...missing out on some of their true selves.

I have read how God saves and has collected every tear...
Psalm 56:8

I have also read how he redeems the years the locusts have eaten.
Joel Chapter 2

How I need to believe that tonight God...How I need to trust that you have seen everything and you are my strength, my shield.

To my brothers and sisters, I am so sorry for what you have all endured and the lingering effects it has had on each of your lives. I apologize for the times I didn't stand up for you and didn't stop the beatings...stop the insanity.  I am sorry for not finding the courage and inner strength to overcome my fears and stand up to injustice.  I'm sorry I couldn't see how we all were trying not to be seen---so sorry I was so nearsighted on survival that I couldn't see what each of you were going through.

Today I celebrate that each of us is NOT invisible...that we are all strange and quirky in a wonderful way.

God will redeem those years, he will heal our hearts, and from the ugly scars of this story he will bring hope to someone

the Hezekiah Challenge

All good stories have a conflict--a challenge, a battle to fight or a journey to go on...Back in the book of Isaiah there is a strange and unique story regarding King Hezekiah.


The king receives a letter from his nemesis...a neighboring monarch that is ruthless and cruel...he outlines everything he plans on doing to the king and the people of Israel. You might believe that King Hezekiah tore his clothes, put ashes on his head...he didn't....but he did one thing...he put the letter scrolled out on the altar in the temple in front of the Lord.  He gave it over to the only one who could save him.

Sometimes when we have other alternative options it's much easier to count on ourselves.

It's easier when we are dire and desperate to reach out to the only one who can save us.

One other thing I know to be true....when I'm afraid that God might not really be there or worse--that he is silent or indifferent...it's easier for me not to ask for anything--that way my idea that he is there and is all powerful stays in tact.  If I ask for something and he is silent or he might not be there--or worse--that I am alone and abandoned becomes more than I can bare. Better that he is all powerful God and I could call on him at any time...if I wish to.

Fast forward to my dilemma...My son wants to go to college.  He has a partial scholarship and has been working hard to get the rest together ASAP.  It's a race against time that we are losing and hope is eroding quickly.

This past spring I clearly heard a few words from God while driving to work.  "I am going before him--I am going before Grant."Now I am not in the habit of hearing words every day...in fact rarely have I heard anything so clearly.

In the moment I felt great...God is going before my son...what more could I ever want to hear?  The only problem was what does that exactly mean?  With things not really falling into place I began to ask God "what did that statement mean?"  I told my son about it who didn't share my enthusiasm and looked a bit more skeptical.

I heard one more word...."wait."

Time was running out...so I pulled a Hezekiah.  I wasn't sure if God wanted Grant to go to college at UT or MTSU or community college or something even more different and radical.  I simply couldn't sleep, got up and read that story in the book of Isaiah and prayed to God for direction...I left the story of Hezekiah open on the computer table along with a note with the dollar amount Grant is short for qualifying with his finances. It wasn't as dire as someone attacking my kingdom--but I had shared the words I heard with my son and he needed to know that God does show up on our behalf...his words are to be counted on.

2 days passed...48 long hours.

You know what I'm talking about...the kind of quiet long hours that make you wonder what is going on behind the scenes and how will I know what God's will and intentions are?

In actuality--this isn't very long....then I received my answer...

I am happy to tell you that there is an opportunity for him to have the exact amount needed and it's quite unbelievable..an opportunity to work hard and get what he needs.  I can't share any more details because I need to protect the participants in the story.

I just want to say...we serve an incredible God.

He CAN and STILL DOES do what he wants to show his power and glory because he can.

If it meant no to college plans I wonder how my feelings would really be towards God...I would love to say I'd be all in and good, but I would be confused and trying to understand. I'm trying to be honest and real.

This was a prayer of a father pleading with God to make himself known in Grant's relationship to give them a history together for future struggles in his own story...and understanding that He does show up in the 11th hour at times....and He is amazing. I want him to know he can lay out the challenges in front of God -- and know he is heard.

Oh and what ever happened with King Hezekiah?  His enemy gathered his army together as a formidable force...and strangely all of the men were killed in the middle of the night inexplicably destroyed the army of 185,000 without even a fight....challenge answered.