Where are you God?
My question was far from an original in any way. Many people cry out this question every day...in anger...in desperation....in hopes of finding mercy...relief...answers.
Day after day the struggle of life can be more than one can take...but this is my blog so let's make it more specific.
I was drowning in a sea of desperation...an ocean of sadness...no light on the horizon of coming help.
Where are you God?
My family needs me home, I am tired to the bone of every fiber of my being.....
Where are you God?
God was there...
the woman who cuts my hair who paid for my hair cut and then reduced my rate while I was in this struggle...God was in it
the people who helped me get healthcare for my children.....God was there
the people at work who gave us a money tree for Christmas two years ago that allowed us to have a Christmas.....God was embracing us
The boss who gave us her employee turkey to feed us that holiday...God was happy
The people who surrounded us and gave us food/gas cards...God was in it
The worker at Publix who gave us gifts even while she was in the midst of her own struggles....God taught me
The secret gifts given..God saw them all
The family who didn't judge but listened patiently and gave financially....God loved it
My family who listened and gave compassion, financial assistance.....God cherished those moments
The times I cried in the dark full of sadness but trying to be there for my family...God cried with me
The beauty and majesty of Haileigh riding at saddle up...the grit and determination after being thrown...the courage to get up again...God was teaching me
The things my son Grant has said to me that have gotten me through a few more days...God was teaching me it's not what we say intentionally but what our actions speak in the heat of the struggle...that's what people remember about us
The grace and mercy my wife Michelle has shown me throughout this struggle....the raw emotion, realness, and grace.....God was smiling
the times I was so angry but I still talked and yelled at God.....he expected it and accepted my shortcomings...he still loved the relationship
the times I was dangling by a single thread of hope.....he loved me for how he designed me and had more threads lined up to see me through
Look, I first want to state I am not Job. Stop laughing my family...it wasn't all that funny. I never was a shining example of Godliness or anything of the like. I did learn about patience and how to how get through from some of his book. I have learned a great deal.....Too many lessons to put down in a blog at one time.
Today I am thankful for all of it
and....
I wouldn't change a thing
Where are you God? He is with me....everywhere...all through this journey.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
it might be HOPE
The days go on and on as one leads into another....without end....draining the strength and life out of me.
I have written in many of my blogs about the word Hope and what it means to others, the effect it has on lives. I am now watching it play out in my life.
In the past 24 hours I have seen something that could be hope...I don't want to get too excited for the fear it might not happen...those of you who have been in that place can probably relate.
Sometimes I even forget what hope feels like...the sensation, the strength it brings internally with it...the change in posture as I stand a little taller, the smile it brings.
I was playing around with my ipod looking at artists and song names looking for something different to listen to. No offense to John Waller--but I just can't listen to While I'm Waiting for the 1 millionth time. I came across this Sarah Groves song titled "It Might Be Hope"
the lyrics are below......
You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes *its* demands
you hold on as well as *you're* able
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
Here is the link to listen for yourself...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRlOLZ0H4ck
I hope if you feel a little beat up by life and circumstances today that it gives you a little inspiration that things may turn around soon--maybe things are working behind the scenes right now that will set the table for something miraculous.
This is how hope starts. Out of the unexpected like this rainbow was the other day.... I get a call from a friend I used to work with telling me what he's doing now. Sometimes we lay seeds for harvesting later on...when things are bleak and we work on through difficult situations we speak to others about who we are and who they are. People remember what inspires them to find strength deep inside.
It is frustrating and yet so true that it is not what you know but who you know....the same resume in front of recruiters for a position will never be selected and yet after someone steps in and says "you need to meet this man" they can look at the parts of your history that align and see it so differently. It takes a few things..someone to stand up for you, and someone further up the hierarchy willing to look outside of the cookie cutter box and really look at people, someone looking for the best result in the end...not the safe result.
The story rolls on... but today....it feels like it might be Hope.
I have written in many of my blogs about the word Hope and what it means to others, the effect it has on lives. I am now watching it play out in my life.
In the past 24 hours I have seen something that could be hope...I don't want to get too excited for the fear it might not happen...those of you who have been in that place can probably relate.
Sometimes I even forget what hope feels like...the sensation, the strength it brings internally with it...the change in posture as I stand a little taller, the smile it brings.
I was playing around with my ipod looking at artists and song names looking for something different to listen to. No offense to John Waller--but I just can't listen to While I'm Waiting for the 1 millionth time. I came across this Sarah Groves song titled "It Might Be Hope"
the lyrics are below......
You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes *its* demands
you hold on as well as *you're* able
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
Here is the link to listen for yourself...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRlOLZ0H4ck
I hope if you feel a little beat up by life and circumstances today that it gives you a little inspiration that things may turn around soon--maybe things are working behind the scenes right now that will set the table for something miraculous.
This is how hope starts. Out of the unexpected like this rainbow was the other day.... I get a call from a friend I used to work with telling me what he's doing now. Sometimes we lay seeds for harvesting later on...when things are bleak and we work on through difficult situations we speak to others about who we are and who they are. People remember what inspires them to find strength deep inside.
It is frustrating and yet so true that it is not what you know but who you know....the same resume in front of recruiters for a position will never be selected and yet after someone steps in and says "you need to meet this man" they can look at the parts of your history that align and see it so differently. It takes a few things..someone to stand up for you, and someone further up the hierarchy willing to look outside of the cookie cutter box and really look at people, someone looking for the best result in the end...not the safe result.
The story rolls on... but today....it feels like it might be Hope.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Freedom............
What an amazing thing that God has set us free.
He creates an amazing world...full of beauty, color, wonder and surprise and yet after all that he has done to Wow us he gives us the choice to choose him...not be a robot.
He has given us Incredible FREEDOM.
Free of our sins, free of shame, free to run free.
Somehow we humans seem to get caught up in every other message and leave the good ones behind. We forget......
My Mom is older now and not always in touch with reality...some very lucid moments and other moments where she thinks everyone is out to get her. My daughter Haileigh recognizes this and I came home tonight to a beautiful drawing she made for my Mom.
What is amazing to me is the simplicity of the message...yet full of love, full of promise.....
Remember...God sets us free......
I can feel a Braveheart cry coming.......
F-R-E-E-D-O-M!!!!!!
We serve a really great God. Think about that and savor the freedom tonight.
He creates an amazing world...full of beauty, color, wonder and surprise and yet after all that he has done to Wow us he gives us the choice to choose him...not be a robot.
He has given us Incredible FREEDOM.
Free of our sins, free of shame, free to run free.
Somehow we humans seem to get caught up in every other message and leave the good ones behind. We forget......
My Mom is older now and not always in touch with reality...some very lucid moments and other moments where she thinks everyone is out to get her. My daughter Haileigh recognizes this and I came home tonight to a beautiful drawing she made for my Mom.
What is amazing to me is the simplicity of the message...yet full of love, full of promise.....
Remember...God sets us free......
I can feel a Braveheart cry coming.......
F-R-E-E-D-O-M!!!!!!
We serve a really great God. Think about that and savor the freedom tonight.
Friday, July 13, 2012
You QUIT
He stopped playing football and lost his desire to do the work to make it all happen.
This past year he went to the coach and spoke to him and asked for the chance to work out and play. Proper communication is a good lesson for kids growing up to learn. It shows maturity and understanding of a world larger than just themselves.
He set himself as a flint...sharpening skills, working out. It all starts with the work, doesn't it?! He stayed after school all winter and spring...working out, doing drills...finishing strong. Finishing strong is something we have talked about together--not just coasting to the finish, but giving the coaches something to think about...letting your actions speak loudly. He got up at crazy hours all summer lifting weights, working out, doing the drills. He listened and observed...jumped in on drills against players much larger to try to get noticed..to take on a challenge.
In a few weeks we will see if this all paid off on the field.
I already know it paid off in many ways. Grant is so much more than that old sign. I have wanted to tear it down and shred it...but it's not my place this time. It's up to him to realize.....yes that was what you did, but that is not you. That could never sum up what you are....
I have so much respect for the diligence, hard work, sweat, teamwork, courage and so much more that I see demonstrated to get to this point.
It should read "NO QUIT".....because there is no quit in him in relation to striving for his goal
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I'm Hungry
He was standing in front of me "I'm hungry" he said. Torn army green jacket, shredded shorts, unmatched socks....I looked up at his face unshaven, weathered, and dirty....
I got him a cold cup of ice water and had him sit in the dining room in the air conditioning. Some of the other "regulars" made a face at me having him sit down. Thoughts were racing in my head....some of the crew were warning me "now he'll be back every day." Possibly will turn out they are right I thought to myself. "Then the word will get out and you'll have all of them here" someone said.
I was picturing my dining room filled with homeless people milling about.
It doesn't matter. This man needs food....not a tract or a IGBOK bumper sticker...for him it's NOT going to be OK unless someone acts.
Flash back to a time years back when I was headed to a sporting event downtown with my nephew and my young son. Because we always lived in the suburbs I never really thought about the adventure part of being in the city for my son. He was wide eyed and taking it all in. Unlike myself...he really seemed to love all of the tall building and all of the mass of people.
Suddenly a man popped out from behind a tree and asked if we could help out a brother. I was already passed him and moving on. My brother in law Steve looked at him and saw him. He talked with him a few brief sentences and slipped some cash into his hand.
My son Grant had many questions for me. "What did he want Dad?, Why is he so dirty Dad, Why did Uncle Steve give him money Dad, Why didn't YOU give him something Dad?."
Ashamed of what I had taught my son...I quickly reasoned "well Grant, in the city we could run into someone almost every block in need and we don't have enough to share with all of them." He looked around and said "I don't see anyone else Dad...just him."
I was so unnerved after that that I never enjoyed the sporting event. I thought about it isn't what we say but what we do that speaks about who we really are. Another quote I've recently heard "People will listen to what you say but they will believe what they see you do."
What should we do with others in need?
If we can--- we can give them a seat at the table and help them...let them know they are seen and not invisible.
I was hungry at my second job that night but I pictured if my son was watching me...he would have had a whole different set of questions from the events of this day....ones I would have been happy to answer.
In my past life when I sold musical gear there was a young act that came into my office having just arrived in Nashville. They had a hit later that same year and the lyrics are relevant to this post.
I got him a cold cup of ice water and had him sit in the dining room in the air conditioning. Some of the other "regulars" made a face at me having him sit down. Thoughts were racing in my head....some of the crew were warning me "now he'll be back every day." Possibly will turn out they are right I thought to myself. "Then the word will get out and you'll have all of them here" someone said.
I was picturing my dining room filled with homeless people milling about.
It doesn't matter. This man needs food....not a tract or a IGBOK bumper sticker...for him it's NOT going to be OK unless someone acts.
Flash back to a time years back when I was headed to a sporting event downtown with my nephew and my young son. Because we always lived in the suburbs I never really thought about the adventure part of being in the city for my son. He was wide eyed and taking it all in. Unlike myself...he really seemed to love all of the tall building and all of the mass of people.
Suddenly a man popped out from behind a tree and asked if we could help out a brother. I was already passed him and moving on. My brother in law Steve looked at him and saw him. He talked with him a few brief sentences and slipped some cash into his hand.
My son Grant had many questions for me. "What did he want Dad?, Why is he so dirty Dad, Why did Uncle Steve give him money Dad, Why didn't YOU give him something Dad?."
Ashamed of what I had taught my son...I quickly reasoned "well Grant, in the city we could run into someone almost every block in need and we don't have enough to share with all of them." He looked around and said "I don't see anyone else Dad...just him."
I was so unnerved after that that I never enjoyed the sporting event. I thought about it isn't what we say but what we do that speaks about who we really are. Another quote I've recently heard "People will listen to what you say but they will believe what they see you do."
What should we do with others in need?
If we can--- we can give them a seat at the table and help them...let them know they are seen and not invisible.
I was hungry at my second job that night but I pictured if my son was watching me...he would have had a whole different set of questions from the events of this day....ones I would have been happy to answer.
In my past life when I sold musical gear there was a young act that came into my office having just arrived in Nashville. They had a hit later that same year and the lyrics are relevant to this post.
The Twenty-First Time Lyrics Monk & Neagle
Thursday, June 21, 2012
a Magical Day
A few weeks ago I took my daughter to an event called Father's Delight. It is a local event here in Nashville to connect fathers and daughters in a meaningful way.
For many of the dads it was great to see the electronics turned off and their attention switch on. My youngest is adventurous and loved the day that was planned.
For information regarding this event
http://abbasway.com/fathers-heart-upcoming-events/fathers-delight/#comment-1860
The day started with the dads coming with a note about some special things about their daughters that is unique about them and that we find special and beautiful. We also wrote a note about how excited we were about the day ahead and spending this time together. While the dads were being briefed on the coming activities...the daughters were receiving a diary keepsake for photos and to journal about the activities later on in the day.
There were many activities together and the day was action packed. Together we zip lined over the trees...did a horseback trail ride, giant swing...but our favorite was the alpine tower climb. We were harnessed up with spotters and climber up this tower and together stood up at the pinnacle with our arms raised in triumph looking out over the whole camp and lake.
After the activities was a ceremony. This ceremony was to let our daughters know those things that we find beautiful and unique about them. She listened so intently and absorbed every word I said like it was a treasure. She was surprised about the things I picked out about her.... her incredible imagination, quick wit, love for singing, sense of adventure........she felt "seen." Everyone wants to know they matter in this world....everyone.
After the ceremony a surprise...the daughters had each written their dad a note...mine will be cherished forever. I also felt "seen" by her. She "loves me because when the going gets tough..I don't run...I stay and fight."
We went home and got cleaned up for the ball---a princess ball. There was a rose waiting for each princess and photo time. The princess was taken back to the princess room for make up, sparkles....and of course a tiara.
I don't ever dance...but I danced this night because she made it ok for me to look a little crazy and foolish...just plain old fun. Seeing other fathers I knew dancing with their daughters...it was fun, fun, fun. Even our DJ was one of the dads from our group.
I remember during the ceremony earlier some of the dads with tears in their eyes saying some of the most wonderful and loving things to their daughters. How can you ever recreate such moments in time?
I remember my thought from earlier in the day.....I want to be very intentional about speaking the things I see in her regularly and not just on special occasions which are far too rare and too far in between.
She is a treasure....and I have been trusted with her.....
What an incredible day!
For many of the dads it was great to see the electronics turned off and their attention switch on. My youngest is adventurous and loved the day that was planned.
For information regarding this event
http://abbasway.com/fathers-heart-upcoming-events/fathers-delight/#comment-1860
The day started with the dads coming with a note about some special things about their daughters that is unique about them and that we find special and beautiful. We also wrote a note about how excited we were about the day ahead and spending this time together. While the dads were being briefed on the coming activities...the daughters were receiving a diary keepsake for photos and to journal about the activities later on in the day.
There were many activities together and the day was action packed. Together we zip lined over the trees...did a horseback trail ride, giant swing...but our favorite was the alpine tower climb. We were harnessed up with spotters and climber up this tower and together stood up at the pinnacle with our arms raised in triumph looking out over the whole camp and lake.
After the activities was a ceremony. This ceremony was to let our daughters know those things that we find beautiful and unique about them. She listened so intently and absorbed every word I said like it was a treasure. She was surprised about the things I picked out about her.... her incredible imagination, quick wit, love for singing, sense of adventure........she felt "seen." Everyone wants to know they matter in this world....everyone.
After the ceremony a surprise...the daughters had each written their dad a note...mine will be cherished forever. I also felt "seen" by her. She "loves me because when the going gets tough..I don't run...I stay and fight."
We went home and got cleaned up for the ball---a princess ball. There was a rose waiting for each princess and photo time. The princess was taken back to the princess room for make up, sparkles....and of course a tiara.
I don't ever dance...but I danced this night because she made it ok for me to look a little crazy and foolish...just plain old fun. Seeing other fathers I knew dancing with their daughters...it was fun, fun, fun. Even our DJ was one of the dads from our group.
I remember during the ceremony earlier some of the dads with tears in their eyes saying some of the most wonderful and loving things to their daughters. How can you ever recreate such moments in time?
I remember my thought from earlier in the day.....I want to be very intentional about speaking the things I see in her regularly and not just on special occasions which are far too rare and too far in between.
She is a treasure....and I have been trusted with her.....
What an incredible day!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Fathers Day
Yesterday was Fathers Day.
I worked Saturday night into Sunday morning...got home and ate some Fruit Loops and laid down my weary body for a short nap. I knew I had to get up soon and get through working a full shift....then a planned time of opening cards to celebrate fathers day.
Some days it's challenging to get through life, let alone a celebration like Fathers day.
How about me...do I even miss my Dad, do I have some good memories to draw from? I feel pretty numb on the subject. The one memory I recall from a fathers day is Dad telling me to "forget the cards and any gifts...he just wants obedience." I was deflated and devastated.
Now that he's gone I want to tell him..."really Dad, I want so much more than the obedience...I need you. I need your spirit of getting through... forging ahead, but we all need to hear your voice. We need your leadership to speak into the void of the uncertain. We all want your laugh..deep, loud billowing laughter that makes us all feel together and part of your inner circle."
I have heard a common denominator in conversations with my brothers and sisters....it is that they wish they would get the dad they saw when they would see him interact with neighbors or friends. The guy who would be your best pal and give you the shirt off his back. The friend you would call in the middle of the night when you had no where else to turn. Work, weariness and the world has a way of taking our best and leaving a messy remnant in its place.
Fast forward back to yesterday, as my life and working two jobs so parallels my Dad's life....
as I read my son's handwritten card....
"I am so proud of the sacrifices you have made for our family. You have been the best Dad we could ask for......"
Those words to validate me, the work I do to provide....all feels suddenly worth it.
I realize, I never connected those dots to say that to my Dad. Maybe it would have been different had I found those words to offer him.
Man...I have great kids....and they are worth everything to me.
I spent a few minutes writing a note to each one of my children the day before. It felt a little contrived and cheesy when I was writing them. Each note talks about a significant strength of each one and how the attacks of the enemy are deliberate and are an attempt to take them out before they learn to use all that strength has for them in life. I get done writing it and feel great because although some of the path my Dad and I walked in life are parallel, I realize they are very different. I want to be intentional to give the words to my children that I needed and wanted, but never heard.
Dad, I will always love you and you taught me some great things.....Our heavenly father is adding to those lessons and finishing the job.....
You taught me a great work ethic and how to get through.....My other Father has taught me being a Dad is a powerful thing...to offer words that give wind to their sails and strength when there was none. There is so much more than providing and getting through...those are good things, but there is so much more before crossing the finish line in this life. Right now there is basking in the words offered by my son...soaking it in "I am proud of you Dad."
My daughter had her card...she added a quote she found to offer me words today "when you feel like you're down to nothing, God is up to something"
He certainly is........
I worked Saturday night into Sunday morning...got home and ate some Fruit Loops and laid down my weary body for a short nap. I knew I had to get up soon and get through working a full shift....then a planned time of opening cards to celebrate fathers day.
Some days it's challenging to get through life, let alone a celebration like Fathers day.
How about me...do I even miss my Dad, do I have some good memories to draw from? I feel pretty numb on the subject. The one memory I recall from a fathers day is Dad telling me to "forget the cards and any gifts...he just wants obedience." I was deflated and devastated.
Now that he's gone I want to tell him..."really Dad, I want so much more than the obedience...I need you. I need your spirit of getting through... forging ahead, but we all need to hear your voice. We need your leadership to speak into the void of the uncertain. We all want your laugh..deep, loud billowing laughter that makes us all feel together and part of your inner circle."
I have heard a common denominator in conversations with my brothers and sisters....it is that they wish they would get the dad they saw when they would see him interact with neighbors or friends. The guy who would be your best pal and give you the shirt off his back. The friend you would call in the middle of the night when you had no where else to turn. Work, weariness and the world has a way of taking our best and leaving a messy remnant in its place.
Fast forward back to yesterday, as my life and working two jobs so parallels my Dad's life....
as I read my son's handwritten card....
"I am so proud of the sacrifices you have made for our family. You have been the best Dad we could ask for......"
Those words to validate me, the work I do to provide....all feels suddenly worth it.
I realize, I never connected those dots to say that to my Dad. Maybe it would have been different had I found those words to offer him.
Man...I have great kids....and they are worth everything to me.
I spent a few minutes writing a note to each one of my children the day before. It felt a little contrived and cheesy when I was writing them. Each note talks about a significant strength of each one and how the attacks of the enemy are deliberate and are an attempt to take them out before they learn to use all that strength has for them in life. I get done writing it and feel great because although some of the path my Dad and I walked in life are parallel, I realize they are very different. I want to be intentional to give the words to my children that I needed and wanted, but never heard.
Dad, I will always love you and you taught me some great things.....Our heavenly father is adding to those lessons and finishing the job.....
You taught me a great work ethic and how to get through.....My other Father has taught me being a Dad is a powerful thing...to offer words that give wind to their sails and strength when there was none. There is so much more than providing and getting through...those are good things, but there is so much more before crossing the finish line in this life. Right now there is basking in the words offered by my son...soaking it in "I am proud of you Dad."
My daughter had her card...she added a quote she found to offer me words today "when you feel like you're down to nothing, God is up to something"
He certainly is........
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