Sometimes life really hurts..it hurts way deep down and we can't touch the pain or make it go away. Yes God is still beside us and with us but the path we are on seems endless and it feels like we are all alone. There are stories in our lives that bring pain and kill peace and joy. I know where those stories and attacks come from but they still pierce me right through. There are words that even though I believe they are not true, they wound on top of old scars anyways.
The path sometimes looks hopeless and endless...what then? I call on the Holy Spirit..."please help me", "it all hurts so bad." Has God forgotten me?
I grew up in the middle of a big family and sometimes I was forgotten...those who didn't create chaos and wanted to hide from physical abuse---perhaps it was good to be forgotten at times.
When the family you grew up in was so dysfunctional and twisted that it's not safe to share the memories....
When my past disqualifies me from leading my family in the present...
When I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel....
The voices in my head won't give me peace....
The people around me are suffering and I feel I cannot provide help or answers....
When it feels like God has bigger fish to fry than my circumstances....
but......
God did provide a way out for his people when he divided the sea...
God cared about a wedding enough to provide more wine....
God cared about a little man named Zachaeus, small in stature, hated tax collector for the Romans, despised....that he pursued and changed his heart...and loved him,
I could name a million reasons I should have hope because God pursued others and cared about minute details in their lives....
He knows us all by a personal name that he has given to each of us.....and he loves us
God is the hero of this story...his way will appear, he will appear...
His perfect peace is in my heart as the tornado called life continues to swirl about me. Outer peace can be robbed--and this always used to make me so angry.... but my trust although I waiver (only human)...that trust provides my peace that He promised.
I don't have any neat little bows or quips to tie this one up...life is messy and the pain is real...perhaps you too are barely hanging on, although I really hope not.
1 Peter 5:7
I am barely hanging on as I write this, yet I trust His heart that he loves me and hasn't forgotten me.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Stories to Share
Stories...we all have one. We may not be even cognizant of our own story but we wear it on our faces, in our body language...pieces of our story leak out of our life and into others lives.
Tonight I went to the grocery store with my daughter to get flowers for my wife's birthday. As I was waiting my turn for help from one of the staff, I was listening and watching as the grocery store clerk Carmen was helping another customer. She took the flowers and added that those special touches that made the bouquet come to life. The man customer was ecstatic with the end gift he was now taking home like a prize. Now it was my turn. I commented to her what a great job she had done with the previous customer's order and asked her how she was doing. "I am tired..." she said and she got a little sad. I told Carmen I was tired too, and talked about my two jobs. When I spoke about that she seemed surprised and began to feel safer to really talk about her jobs and why she is so tired.
Carmen began to talk with me about her son and how he was starting school today. It was his first day of college. She is tired because she works cleaning houses from sunrise until midday. The second part of her day is going from cleaning to Publix Markets and working until 11 PM. As I dug in deeper into her life she began to feel safe enough to tell more of her story. "When my son was a young boy I had a daughter also and they were both very sick. We had just moved here from Mexico and I did not know five words of english---nothing!" "I took them to the hospital." She started tearing up...her daughter died that night...she never said those actual words...she didn't have to.....She said she has two boys now, and her daughter was nine, but now and made a motion of fluttering and gone with her hands. Her son was so haunted and moved by the whole experience and lack of ability to communicate that he has wanted to become a doctor since that night. He wants to make sure that nobody is left without healthcare but also someone who can talk to the patients families in many languages. "He knows English, Spanish and French" she said now getting a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"I am working hard now so that he can make smart choices and live his dream. "It is a good dream" she said. Yes I said, it is also very noble. She seemed to think about it and nodded in agreement, "yes-noble". He has a good dream I said, the noble comes from YOU. "You are working hard to give the chance for hope"....I realize most parents will sacrifice for the sake of their children but when it stares you in the face it is no less remarkable each time you witness it.
She finished wrapping and baby's breath and I smiled "Esta muy bonita...gracias Seniorita Carmen" (it is beautiful, thank you Miss Carmen). A big smile appeared..."you speak Spanish!". Yes un pequito (a little). "God bless you Carmen" I said, quite certain He has blessed her, and He will in the future.
There was a day not too long ago that I wouldn't have engaged a stranger in any conversation...and it would have been my loss. Just a little part of her story came out this evening. Heartache, Perseverance and Hope. That is Carmen's story to me. Her trials became a blessing to a complete stranger.
Stories...we all have one....makes me wonder what the message is I am sharing with strangers.
Tonight I went to the grocery store with my daughter to get flowers for my wife's birthday. As I was waiting my turn for help from one of the staff, I was listening and watching as the grocery store clerk Carmen was helping another customer. She took the flowers and added that those special touches that made the bouquet come to life. The man customer was ecstatic with the end gift he was now taking home like a prize. Now it was my turn. I commented to her what a great job she had done with the previous customer's order and asked her how she was doing. "I am tired..." she said and she got a little sad. I told Carmen I was tired too, and talked about my two jobs. When I spoke about that she seemed surprised and began to feel safer to really talk about her jobs and why she is so tired.
Carmen began to talk with me about her son and how he was starting school today. It was his first day of college. She is tired because she works cleaning houses from sunrise until midday. The second part of her day is going from cleaning to Publix Markets and working until 11 PM. As I dug in deeper into her life she began to feel safe enough to tell more of her story. "When my son was a young boy I had a daughter also and they were both very sick. We had just moved here from Mexico and I did not know five words of english---nothing!" "I took them to the hospital." She started tearing up...her daughter died that night...she never said those actual words...she didn't have to.....She said she has two boys now, and her daughter was nine, but now and made a motion of fluttering and gone with her hands. Her son was so haunted and moved by the whole experience and lack of ability to communicate that he has wanted to become a doctor since that night. He wants to make sure that nobody is left without healthcare but also someone who can talk to the patients families in many languages. "He knows English, Spanish and French" she said now getting a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"I am working hard now so that he can make smart choices and live his dream. "It is a good dream" she said. Yes I said, it is also very noble. She seemed to think about it and nodded in agreement, "yes-noble". He has a good dream I said, the noble comes from YOU. "You are working hard to give the chance for hope"....I realize most parents will sacrifice for the sake of their children but when it stares you in the face it is no less remarkable each time you witness it.
She finished wrapping and baby's breath and I smiled "Esta muy bonita...gracias Seniorita Carmen" (it is beautiful, thank you Miss Carmen). A big smile appeared..."you speak Spanish!". Yes un pequito (a little). "God bless you Carmen" I said, quite certain He has blessed her, and He will in the future.
There was a day not too long ago that I wouldn't have engaged a stranger in any conversation...and it would have been my loss. Just a little part of her story came out this evening. Heartache, Perseverance and Hope. That is Carmen's story to me. Her trials became a blessing to a complete stranger.
Stories...we all have one....makes me wonder what the message is I am sharing with strangers.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
the True Atheist
I have an acquaintance..well, I guess you'd call him a friend. Let's call him Jack for this blog. I really didn't intend to become friends...I just kept crossing paths with him. God does that sometimes. Of course I kept hearing that Jack was a self professed atheist. I thought God was having me cross his path to help him. Ha....wrong guess.
This man is intelligent, well spoken, kind, passionate about his causes, well connected in the political and local community...and well...a true friend.
I have gone through some challenging job situations the past five years. There were times I was so low I couldn't have even spoken about the circumstances with anyone. Jack would still call me to see how I was...ask me what my job strategy was, blurt out a string of endless connections he was calling on my behalf, calling local department stores and talking to managers about me, and even just telling me to meet him and eat something together....I don't know how to put all of the things he did for me into words. When I was even slow to call back, he never took it personally...just kept pursuing. At a time I was afraid to go out because the whole world was busy as usual moving faster and faster. (To all of you who helped me and my family during that/this time period please do not be offended...we would not have survived without you and your stories and friendship are important to me as well!). I was just amazed that someone who I felt barely knew me was so willing to reach out and help and would not take no for an answer.
I found myself looking at Jack and realizing his life and attitude were embodying everything I wanted to emulate as a christian. He didn't ask..he just did. He never said "if you need anything call me"...he seemed to know I wouldn't call because things were very desperate and I still wasn't calling anyone. He encouraged me verbally at different times. His mind was working a few steps ahead of mine but he wasn't holding that over me. I started to realize his life and attitude were more what I would characterize as "christian" than mine was. It was a selfless and simplistic approach. Jack was certain of what he believed. I thought I knew what I believed but here I was in the middle of chaos and not trusting God. I have problems trusting someone to come through for me and not feeling forgotten. Because of this intense fear, I do not wait for God to come through. I have found ways to "short circuit" His plan many times and I am certain I have also short circuited suffering and blessings alike. Without truly trusting God I realize I am the true atheist.
We are far from being on the other side of this mountain in our lives because really big challenges and events are like that, they go on for what seems like forever. I really appreciate what Jack has meant to me personally...a phone call every now and then can be so big.
Why write about this now? Jack left me a message this past week... sounded like we talk every day "hey I have a few other people I'd like you to meet, had a few other ideas...just want to see how you are and where you are at." Jack once told me something that I have held onto as hope. He said "you just need a small opportunity to show what you can do and I really believe you will really shine."
I really believed when I first met Jack a few years back and found out he was an atheist that God might use me to lead him to the light. What I found is that God reflects his light from many places. It's a dark world out there and God will use who he wants to spread that light.......it all comes from one source...HIM
...how ironic the message Jack is spreading...
This man is intelligent, well spoken, kind, passionate about his causes, well connected in the political and local community...and well...a true friend.
I have gone through some challenging job situations the past five years. There were times I was so low I couldn't have even spoken about the circumstances with anyone. Jack would still call me to see how I was...ask me what my job strategy was, blurt out a string of endless connections he was calling on my behalf, calling local department stores and talking to managers about me, and even just telling me to meet him and eat something together....I don't know how to put all of the things he did for me into words. When I was even slow to call back, he never took it personally...just kept pursuing. At a time I was afraid to go out because the whole world was busy as usual moving faster and faster. (To all of you who helped me and my family during that/this time period please do not be offended...we would not have survived without you and your stories and friendship are important to me as well!). I was just amazed that someone who I felt barely knew me was so willing to reach out and help and would not take no for an answer.
I found myself looking at Jack and realizing his life and attitude were embodying everything I wanted to emulate as a christian. He didn't ask..he just did. He never said "if you need anything call me"...he seemed to know I wouldn't call because things were very desperate and I still wasn't calling anyone. He encouraged me verbally at different times. His mind was working a few steps ahead of mine but he wasn't holding that over me. I started to realize his life and attitude were more what I would characterize as "christian" than mine was. It was a selfless and simplistic approach. Jack was certain of what he believed. I thought I knew what I believed but here I was in the middle of chaos and not trusting God. I have problems trusting someone to come through for me and not feeling forgotten. Because of this intense fear, I do not wait for God to come through. I have found ways to "short circuit" His plan many times and I am certain I have also short circuited suffering and blessings alike. Without truly trusting God I realize I am the true atheist.
We are far from being on the other side of this mountain in our lives because really big challenges and events are like that, they go on for what seems like forever. I really appreciate what Jack has meant to me personally...a phone call every now and then can be so big.
Why write about this now? Jack left me a message this past week... sounded like we talk every day "hey I have a few other people I'd like you to meet, had a few other ideas...just want to see how you are and where you are at." Jack once told me something that I have held onto as hope. He said "you just need a small opportunity to show what you can do and I really believe you will really shine."
I really believed when I first met Jack a few years back and found out he was an atheist that God might use me to lead him to the light. What I found is that God reflects his light from many places. It's a dark world out there and God will use who he wants to spread that light.......it all comes from one source...HIM
...how ironic the message Jack is spreading...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Ugly Beautiful
It is 4 AM and I am in line outside of the temp labor location downtown. They are lining up already catching a smoke thinking about what they need to do to get work today. The faces all have a different story. We are waiting for the location to open standing in the darkness. At 6AM we move inside the building and wait for our name to be called. A work safety tape plays an endless loop of background noise for us. I had heard Americans were lazy and we would rather be on unemployment. Really?! Someone forgot to tell these forty people that story. As time rolls it is 7 AM before the first assignments are given out. Then 730 rolls along. The longer we go waiting a quiet desperation of resignation fills the room.
Finally my name is called. I jump up quickly like I've won the lottery. "You are going to do tires today" the dispatcher says. This is a four hour job at a tire warehouse unloading all of the tires on a 53' tractor trailer for about $25.00 that saps all of the strength I can muster. About an hour into the job I wonder as I am breathing so heavy and the truck over 120 degrees hot...will I make it Lord? In the end soaking wet and wondering if I could do it again if I have to. Will I? Of course I will if that is what my family needs to eat tonight....That is why all of those people lined up.
Next day I am chosen for a week long assignment with some others. It is a chance to give thanks for this day, for what God has provided...work for today!
In my past I never would have ventured downtown to this part of the city, let alone work here and hang with my fellow workers...listen to their stories. So many sad stories, so much ugliness....but that is not where this ends, not for any of us. The story turns when I realize our part of the story where we messed up bad...the part I believe I am unforgiveable......this is my punishment....maybe this is punishment for all of us here?
No, I hear a small voice tell me "no." This is a consequence but not a punishment. I read again "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." These people are all God's creations...all with stories..but not terrible stories like I first thought in my head as I listened. These are stories of courage, finding strength where there should be none, heroics. It is what Ann Voskamp would call the ugly-beautiful.
As I talk with a co-worker on the way back to get paid that afternoon and he talks to me about what he sees in me, my character. "You doin' things right when the boss aint lookin' " he says. Really? God sending me a message here and now? Why am I surprised? He has not forgotten me. I have been told a little something about my character today in the middle of this tough situation...this yuck....I have been seen and reminded a glimpse of what I am, who I am and who I am becoming. Why is it I am not witnessing about Christ..why am I not openly encouraging others here like this man?
Sometimes God uses the ugly things in all of our lives and cooks up a new recipe with it. It is not always what we say, what we plan and contrive to do as a witness for Him. His recipe calls for a dash of hard work, a pinch of pain, a sampling of remorse, an embrace of grace and a heaping helping of thankfulness. It all equals a finished recipe we could never have pictured and never would have chosen. It also plays right into the journey of becoming who He always intended and when I realize that...I am even more thankful. Being thankful for what He has provided each day makes me feel different inside.
Finally my name is called. I jump up quickly like I've won the lottery. "You are going to do tires today" the dispatcher says. This is a four hour job at a tire warehouse unloading all of the tires on a 53' tractor trailer for about $25.00 that saps all of the strength I can muster. About an hour into the job I wonder as I am breathing so heavy and the truck over 120 degrees hot...will I make it Lord? In the end soaking wet and wondering if I could do it again if I have to. Will I? Of course I will if that is what my family needs to eat tonight....That is why all of those people lined up.
Next day I am chosen for a week long assignment with some others. It is a chance to give thanks for this day, for what God has provided...work for today!
In my past I never would have ventured downtown to this part of the city, let alone work here and hang with my fellow workers...listen to their stories. So many sad stories, so much ugliness....but that is not where this ends, not for any of us. The story turns when I realize our part of the story where we messed up bad...the part I believe I am unforgiveable......this is my punishment....maybe this is punishment for all of us here?
No, I hear a small voice tell me "no." This is a consequence but not a punishment. I read again "He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." These people are all God's creations...all with stories..but not terrible stories like I first thought in my head as I listened. These are stories of courage, finding strength where there should be none, heroics. It is what Ann Voskamp would call the ugly-beautiful.
As I talk with a co-worker on the way back to get paid that afternoon and he talks to me about what he sees in me, my character. "You doin' things right when the boss aint lookin' " he says. Really? God sending me a message here and now? Why am I surprised? He has not forgotten me. I have been told a little something about my character today in the middle of this tough situation...this yuck....I have been seen and reminded a glimpse of what I am, who I am and who I am becoming. Why is it I am not witnessing about Christ..why am I not openly encouraging others here like this man?
Sometimes God uses the ugly things in all of our lives and cooks up a new recipe with it. It is not always what we say, what we plan and contrive to do as a witness for Him. His recipe calls for a dash of hard work, a pinch of pain, a sampling of remorse, an embrace of grace and a heaping helping of thankfulness. It all equals a finished recipe we could never have pictured and never would have chosen. It also plays right into the journey of becoming who He always intended and when I realize that...I am even more thankful. Being thankful for what He has provided each day makes me feel different inside.
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