FEARLESS

The Fear

I feel the tingling down in my feet

A sick feeling deep in my gut that shakes me to my core

My head tells me I’ve been here before and will be again…and again

My head tells me I have to figure it all out…and that I am alone

My head droops…I walk without purpose…shuffling along without direction, wanting to hide

I hear myself saying I am alone…

The small voice tells me he was always with me—I was never alone

I want to get sick and throw out the poison from somewhere deep

In my chest my heart beats loudly and I am suddenly aware of it

I breathe deeply and look at the parts which add up to something bad

And though the parts don’t add up—I will not fear

Though everything swirls around me like a tornado whipping about—I will not fear

Catastrophe surrounds me at every angle—I cannot fear—it is not courage I am drawing up but something different ---it is different

The sickening poison of fear must come out from my gut…from deep in my soul—from the dreaded past

The sum whole should not equal peace and yet somehow the promise is for peace

Even retelling my very story should raise the fear and invite it all back into that space shaped just for it

Yet retelling my story points to unexplainable joys and treasures in the middle of the pain, snapshot gifts of life

And as I quiet my soul again I think I hear the small voice speak a word—or a name I need to hear….FEARLESS

How I question what I think I've heard

I refute and reject it entirely and try to move on…

Scenes flash before my eyes…scenes from the past but this time viewed through a different paradigm

With the new perspective what I saw were not cowardly scenes but knowing the internal fears those actions looked brave---is that how you see me?

Standing strong in the face of many fears, crippling fear…

My old mate—not a friend but an occupant of my soul that knows me too well---the enemy that drains my heart

You know me all too well and yet you demand everything, all of my space, all of my energy…it is never enough for you…you want everything

I go back to the Well to draw more strength…when I bring up the bucket there is only that word again…FEARLESS.  

Really  Father?  Is that what you think?

Again he shows me evidence of men who are afraid who become bold, men who lie who become a rock of virtue, men who steal from others who become the biggest generous givers…The economy of what is seen does not equal what they became…a new name was given and a trajectory of an incredible destiny

What I was told all of my life…all of the stories—they push back---they try to ground me...but they will not overcome this new foothold of hope

The wave of dread will not envelope me into darkness this time…it roars at me with all of its might—anger and roaring…but deep inside in my soul is an untouchable foothold that feels some type of unexplainable peace

Although outwardly I shake I continue to press forward…one step, then another….My father sends a message through brothers—"take the next step"—and by only focusing on the next step—and that step only---I have less space for the fear to try to rush back in

My name is Light

I was created to reflect a glory of purely connecting with others, helping them while living completely transparent—without fear—and that is who my Father sees when he looks at me and that is who he says that I am….

being invisible

Being invisible--this is not some sort of super power...

in fact it's quite the opposite....the ability to disappear or become invisible was a highly valued trait in my family growing up.

It was a conversation with my different brothers and sisters as an adult that finally had me connecting these dots of my childhood.  Most of us had some connection to this same part of our stories...trying to not be noticed or seen, trying to be quiet and not make waves, trying to be invisible and survive.

I found these conversations quite sad...and yet I draw strength and joy from the place where I am now--knowing I have come so far from that place of fear and pain.

It's hard to talk about some of the past and my journey.  I find strength and some solace in the fact that we all share some of this same piece in our stories.  We were all somehow separated and surviving, some similarly coping, and some barely surviving.

I also am very angry about how we were separated from each other emotionally and disconnected in that we all needed to individually survive.  In this environment, we were immersed into corporal punishment as a way of dealing with things as simple and foolish as "where are the scissors?"  No one wanted to turn others in and be a snitch, but nobody wanted to be the target of repeated punishment either.  I'm ashamed I didn't stand up for my younger brothers and sisters more than I did.  It was just wrong.  After a while, if I wasn't the target of the day it felt pretty good.  Instead of being celebrated for the good and unique individual gifts we all brought to the family....we learned that not being celebrated or noticed was the best thing we could hope for in this twisted economy.

I'm angry and sad for the missed time with some of my brothers and sisters...missing out on some of their true selves.

I have read how God saves and has collected every tear...
Psalm 56:8

I have also read how he redeems the years the locusts have eaten.
Joel Chapter 2

How I need to believe that tonight God...How I need to trust that you have seen everything and you are my strength, my shield.

To my brothers and sisters, I am so sorry for what you have all endured and the lingering effects it has had on each of your lives. I apologize for the times I didn't stand up for you and didn't stop the beatings...stop the insanity.  I am sorry for not finding the courage and inner strength to overcome my fears and stand up to injustice.  I'm sorry I couldn't see how we all were trying not to be seen---so sorry I was so nearsighted on survival that I couldn't see what each of you were going through.

Today I celebrate that each of us is NOT invisible...that we are all strange and quirky in a wonderful way.

God will redeem those years, he will heal our hearts, and from the ugly scars of this story he will bring hope to someone

the Hezekiah Challenge

All good stories have a conflict--a challenge, a battle to fight or a journey to go on...Back in the book of Isaiah there is a strange and unique story regarding King Hezekiah.


The king receives a letter from his nemesis...a neighboring monarch that is ruthless and cruel...he outlines everything he plans on doing to the king and the people of Israel. You might believe that King Hezekiah tore his clothes, put ashes on his head...he didn't....but he did one thing...he put the letter scrolled out on the altar in the temple in front of the Lord.  He gave it over to the only one who could save him.

Sometimes when we have other alternative options it's much easier to count on ourselves.

It's easier when we are dire and desperate to reach out to the only one who can save us.

One other thing I know to be true....when I'm afraid that God might not really be there or worse--that he is silent or indifferent...it's easier for me not to ask for anything--that way my idea that he is there and is all powerful stays in tact.  If I ask for something and he is silent or he might not be there--or worse--that I am alone and abandoned becomes more than I can bare. Better that he is all powerful God and I could call on him at any time...if I wish to.

Fast forward to my dilemma...My son wants to go to college.  He has a partial scholarship and has been working hard to get the rest together ASAP.  It's a race against time that we are losing and hope is eroding quickly.

This past spring I clearly heard a few words from God while driving to work.  "I am going before him--I am going before Grant."Now I am not in the habit of hearing words every day...in fact rarely have I heard anything so clearly.

In the moment I felt great...God is going before my son...what more could I ever want to hear?  The only problem was what does that exactly mean?  With things not really falling into place I began to ask God "what did that statement mean?"  I told my son about it who didn't share my enthusiasm and looked a bit more skeptical.

I heard one more word...."wait."

Time was running out...so I pulled a Hezekiah.  I wasn't sure if God wanted Grant to go to college at UT or MTSU or community college or something even more different and radical.  I simply couldn't sleep, got up and read that story in the book of Isaiah and prayed to God for direction...I left the story of Hezekiah open on the computer table along with a note with the dollar amount Grant is short for qualifying with his finances. It wasn't as dire as someone attacking my kingdom--but I had shared the words I heard with my son and he needed to know that God does show up on our behalf...his words are to be counted on.

2 days passed...48 long hours.

You know what I'm talking about...the kind of quiet long hours that make you wonder what is going on behind the scenes and how will I know what God's will and intentions are?

In actuality--this isn't very long....then I received my answer...

I am happy to tell you that there is an opportunity for him to have the exact amount needed and it's quite unbelievable..an opportunity to work hard and get what he needs.  I can't share any more details because I need to protect the participants in the story.

I just want to say...we serve an incredible God.

He CAN and STILL DOES do what he wants to show his power and glory because he can.

If it meant no to college plans I wonder how my feelings would really be towards God...I would love to say I'd be all in and good, but I would be confused and trying to understand. I'm trying to be honest and real.

This was a prayer of a father pleading with God to make himself known in Grant's relationship to give them a history together for future struggles in his own story...and understanding that He does show up in the 11th hour at times....and He is amazing. I want him to know he can lay out the challenges in front of God -- and know he is heard.

Oh and what ever happened with King Hezekiah?  His enemy gathered his army together as a formidable force...and strangely all of the men were killed in the middle of the night inexplicably destroyed the army of 185,000 without even a fight....challenge answered.

It's All Up To Me Now.....

 We were talking about how to help my son with his college costs--and how in the world I could offer anything financially....I saw the look in my son's eyes...the face, the fear, the posture....it took me back, back to a time when I realized it was all up to me.

 We rarely spoke of money things in our house growing up.  With 8 kids and additional foster children and only one bread winner...you just didn't want to rock the boat.   Add that Dad was working a second job a few nights each week and was tired...there just wasn't anything in my DNA that knew how to even ask about college money and choices...there was no choice.  My Dad's words to me? "it's all up to you now."

I set out working the only place I could get my foot in the door...fast food.

 I worked many hours at night while attending community college during the day.  It was a good college for the money and had credible professors teaching.  It was a long road through those first two years...it was a lonely road.  Almost all of my friends that began attending there had dropped out to stay home and drink and watch cable TV and the new ESPN channel to fill their days (yes-that dates it about right cable was still just beginning).  To stay engaged and give my best at school and then work my tail off schlepping burgers and cleaning grills and hoods and filters by night, mopping and scrubbing floors and changing out fryers regularly....it was challenging...but while I was in the middle of it all it never occurred to me that I might not make it...or I might not get to my goal of graduating college and finding a management job.

I worked about 50 hours a week on top of my full course load for those two years.  I was focused.

 One thing that I can look back with perspective and certainty and know about what happens when that "switch is flipped" and I decide it's all up to me....My emotions disconnect...so I journeyed without my heart. I would gain all of my goals but once I got there I would suddenly look around...like a man trying to gain focus and clarity after a long sleep.  I realized there was no one to share in my joy of that goal being attained.  What a strange and hollow victory...here I was the first of my family to graduate with my degree....what I would have given for some camaraderie and friends to cheer me on...ones for me to speak to and encourage.

 "I must just need a larger goal" I thought....so on to Messiah College to complete my Bachelor degree.  But when I got to the goal, again, I looked around and felt empty.

Softball championships--sports...no?
 Business successes...no? What is wrong here?

This was a pattern that repeated many times for me because "flipping that switch" that put me into focus mode was something that served me well.  If I wasn't successful in some measure with it I wouldn't keep turning back to it.

Yes, it served me well for many goals and just surviving in a chaotic early home life.

The problem is in the initial statement "it's all up to me now...."

Truly, it's not the whole truth.

I have to be a little careful how I say this...in christian circles there is a feeling and belief and statements made about "waiting on the Lord or waiting on God." I observed this at a young age and wrote that group of people off as lazy, making excuses for skipping hard work and probably a few more messages that are along that same thinking.

I have never been good at this waiting thing...

I still believe that many Christians use this as a crutch or excuse to not do the hard work they can do--as doing their part.

The REAL truth is that much of life IS hard and God does want us to do things...no--not everything and certainly not to make the journey without our hearts.

He doesn't want us to rely on ourselves...he is a relational God, and we are designed to be relational.  He puts others into our story to gain strength from seeing and hearing our stories...our struggles....

He also puts others into our stories to help us...wow, that was a foreign concept to me...but one that spoke to me deeply about how much God has actually thought about me.

How I wish I could fight the battle my Son is about to...how I wish I can convince him to make the journey WITH his whole heart.

How I want to spread the message about the things that work for us, aren't always the best things for us throughout life.....Instead of flipping the switch next time....pray, scrutinize, evaluate, share with trusted friends and then take action--but realize through good and bad, God is making the journey with you.

= it's NOT ALL up to you

Speak the 10% (SpeakThe10Percent)

What is the 10% that goes unsaid?  What do I mean?

Well to know what it is-- it's probably easier to start with what it is not...that's what we usually come across in life.

The 90% we experience every day is normal every day life..coming, going, working, coming home, hanging out at home, going to church, the grocery store, working out...it's all of the activities we do, the hats we wear to do them....and the substance=not so much.

The 90%--it's comfortable, it doesn't rock the boat, it maintains the status quot....it's not challenging, but then again nobody gets hurt.  The 90% just feels good so just turn it down a notch and don't get too worked up. It doesn't insult anyone or step on their beliefs. It just sits down after work and turns on the tube and zones out nicely.

It makes me want to jump up and scream....

You see, nobody wants the other 10% and you know what, nobody wants to step up and give it anyways.  To go to the 10% requires a lot from a person...to really desire to go there requires much....

Courage--yes it takes courage to speak the 10% nobody speaks. If it were easy; everybody would be doing it.

Listening and empathy--In order to speak that 10% it requires a lot of listening to others, not planning what we will say next. Seek first to understand, then to be understood as the parable says. Invest the pre-time with your heart.

Patience--There is a skill to knowing when. It's all about timing--giving it when needed--not too soon, not too late.

What is an example of speaking into that 10%?  How about...

Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman" where he listens carefully, he knows Charlie well by the time he speaks up to represent him. He listens to Charlie's story and plight. He has patience to listen at first at the trial until he can't take it any more.  And then what?  The 10% comes out..

Powerfully

He tells everyone what he sees and paints the picture.  He speaks the truth that otherwise would have gone unsaid. He stands up for someone because he sees character.

That's a truth about the 10% I've come to know...if we don't step up at certain moments then those moments will pass and our voice will not be heard.

What happens with that 10%...why is it worthwhile???

All of the growing, challenges in life are in that 10%
All statements that challenge us to our core lie there in the 10%.
The inner growth--it's in the 10%...
The uncomfortable--it's in there...
The out of your element...it's in there
The unrehearsed awkwardness...it's in there
The opportunity to ruin a friendship...it's in there
The opportunity to knock down walls...it's in there
The chance to make a fool of yourself...it's in there
The chance to create a defining moment--it's in there
The push to encourage and inspire--it's in there...

It's a great risk for an opportunity of great reward

Anyone can live in the 90%....

It takes someone to be bold, loving and just a bit crazy to cross over to the 10%

I used to think of the 10% as a weapon, a special sword to be wielded skillfully...not so

It is a weapon when wielded in the wrong way without patience and timing--period.

In the right hands -- at the right time...it is more like a surgeon with a knife carefully doing an implant operation or a surgery----realness, encouragement, enlightenment, joy, wonder, hope....or carefully attempting to help carve something for removal. Triage for someone we love and care about.

Everything worthwhile in life happens in that 10%---so why do we all--myself included avoid it?!

To quote Pacino from the movie--"Now I have come to the crossroads in my life. I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard."

Carving out the time, empathy and quality space to do this is hard. And so moments come and pass because we are unwilling to step into that moment and give what we are called to give of ourselves. Here's the bottom line--the 10% changes the world.

It is time to live in that 10%---it's where everything good for me has ever happened...it is why we are given voices to speak into each other's lives...to offer words of hope, love, encouragement...and yes to challenge each other too.  Without someone being willing to do that for me, I'd be long gone from this world.

Life and being a believer are not about being a bunch of really nice guys...and boring everyone to death is not the substance of the 10%.

Challenging each other and finding a way to use your voice...encouraging and inspiring...that is the 10% never said. 

It's kind of like driving a Ferrari while blind...big risk, big reward----hooooooah

...the 10% changes the world...

Modern Day Knight

I watched a scene unfold at the grocery store as a child about 3 or 4 years old threw a tantrum.  After quieting down a bit, he then looked around strategically surveying the store and threw another fit, totally flustered the poor mother and then spit on the feet of the grocery bagger on his way out while tucked under the mothers arm sideways.

It reminded me of a few things…where is our intentionality of teaching a code of conduct like the old days of the knights? Where is society headed with the messages we want boys to learn and the conduct they will choose to live by.

Steps to Knighthood - The Page
At the tender age of just seven years a young boy would be sent to commence his education at the home or castle of a noble. His role would be as a page, the third step towards becoming a knight. A page was also referred to as a 'varlet' meaning 'little vassal'. It was the duty of a Page to wait at table, care for the Lord's clothes and assist them in dressing. The page was also expected to acts as servants to the ladies of the court or castle her served in. The Page was provided with a uniform of the colors and livery of the Lord. There were many pages, the number depending on the wealth of the noble. There was a 'pecking order' amongst the pages which was dependent on age. The ages of the pages would range from seven years old up to fourteen years old when they would take the next step to becoming a knight by serving in the position of a Squire. The young page would receive an education being taught religion, manners, riding, hunting, hawking and strategic games such as backgammon and chess. A Page would soon start to acquire the skills required of a Knight by practicing the skills of tilting a lance and watching the prowess and training of their seniors. The use of the lance would be practiced together with the skills of horsemanship. A target was erected and the Page would mount a wooden 'horse' on wheels holding a lance. The wooden horse would be pulled along by two other pages towards the target and the page would aim the lance. Sword play was practiced using wooden swords and shields. Fighting on piggyback introduced the young knights to the balance and skills required in mounted combat. The page would attend their superiors at Tournaments which were always seen as great occasions in the life of pages from the Middle Ages.

Steps to Knighthood - The Squire
The Medieval Squire was a servant to a knight during the Middle Ages. This was Step 4 of becoming a Knight. The role to a squire was one of the most important steps to Knighthood and started when a page reached the age of fourteen years old. The duties of a Squire were to learn about Chivalry, the rules of Heraldry, horsemanship and practice the use of weapons and the skills required of a Knight. It was also their duty to enter into the social life of the castle and learn courtly etiquette, jousting, music and dancing. The Squire served in this role for seven years and became a Knight at the age of twenty-one. Sometimes knighthood was conferred on a squire at an earlier age as the reward for bravery on the battlefield. In time of war Squires accompanied Knights on the battlefield, leading and tending the horses and dressing them in the Medieval Knights Armor. They came under fire from arrows and many squires were killed doing their duty.


Steps to Knighthood - The Knight
After many long years of training and learning the skills of combat and chivalry required of a Knight during the Middle Ages the steps to Knighthood were completed and symbolized in the order of Knighthood ceremony. The culmination of the ceremony was when a knight was dubbed and the words "Arise, Sir Knight" were uttered. This final part of the ceremony would have been knighted by a local knight, or if they were very lucky, by a greater noble or even the king. The ceremony marked the final steps to knighthood made by a Medieval Squire.
They would swear an oath to use a code of conduct—values that became a part of who they were…

I remember reading about such things and jotting down on a dinner napkin what those things would be to my family
Faith
Honor
Integrity
Help
Prayer
Determination
Well it’s been many years and some of what those values should be has changed.  But the need to give the message from Father to Son intentionally remains.

 Why is it so important?

Most of the ills we have in society today are due to boys not receiving the right messages from older, wiser men passing on a code of conduct and a vision larger than their next girlfriend conquest or getting high. Men need a code of conduct to live by and a kingdom larger than themselves to serve.

I get very revved up about this topic because it is my passion to make certain at some point in their lives men hear and answer the questions they need to answer.
Things go terribly wrong when questions are never answered or they seek these answers from women, drugs, money and any other method that seems right at first but is not getting right to the heart of the issue.

Only an initiated man can answer another man’s questions…
Do I have what it takes?
Am I brave?
What is the larger kingdom to serve?
What is the code of conduct?

In a few short weeks I will finally be part of a ceremony that will initiate my son.  No hazing here…this is a spiritual reflection, physical courage, and mental challenge.  It must employ all 3 elements for that is how real life approaches us, we need all three elements in our toolbox.

My messages now are a little different than before but what is important is declaring him ready to pursue his journey now as a man.  My message is I am intentional in passing my messages on to him, my own code of conduct as a modern day knight. It is hard enough to be intentional without my own failures…but failures do not disqualify me from giving the messages, in fact, they display God’s strength where my own brokenness is revealed.

I was a little sad to see a sword at my nephew’s home one night standing next to his fireplace because in my head I realized there was an initiation ceremony that I had missed. Then I had a better thought…the place of beginning to think about these initiations was my idea I openly shared with family. 

That sword was a symbol of my own legacy.



It is also a reminder it is not how we start…(my intentions were good)
..but how we finish that determine our ultimate legacy…

Does Anyone Have a GPS for Life?

A GPS for life?  Well that would mean we would navigate every decision perfectly...would that be a good thing?

Life is already full of predictable outcomes...rarely do we go into anything with a complete surprise.

No, we don't get to have a GPS for where we are and where we are headed in life.  Really though, would we really want one?  So much in life is no longer filled with wonder....as our heroes are exposed with weaknesses and exposed as being not real.  Our idyllic ideas like Santa are exposed as false at earlier ages.  We discover our parents are far from perfect very quickly.  We can know through science and discovery so much as we go along compared to the old days. So many computers, predictable weather, predictable events, GPS giving us turn by turn navigation...

The next part of the journey requires we take a look behind...where have we been.

The past is filled with joy, shared moments, pain, trials, sadness, the peaks and valleys that come with living life on this side.

This was my son on his first day of school at five years old.  He was so full of hope, full of wonder, a little scared...wondering what was next when that school bus picked him up.  He would soon find out as kids pushed and shoved, called him some names...he took some arrows.

The truth is the next step in the journey can look a lot like the past portion of the journey.  You see, he will be full of hope, full of wonder, a little unsure and some upper-class men will push, shove, bully and test him.

The difference now is the way we look at all the little moments in between--the now and present.  Many people have made a big deal over the years about those few defining moments where a person can step into the moment and actually choose to be brave in the face of fear, and every boy wants to be found to be brave.  Those moments are so few and rarely do we realize them when they occur until they are years in the rear view mirror.

The real bravery is facing every day--meeting it head on, the mundane moments, fighting traffic, paying bills, waiting in lines---facing it with strength, grace and honor.  These are the defining moments because what we do for the lion's share of our time is what defines us--to others it IS who we are. How to pass on that information effectively...so much is learned through what is seen rather than what is said--at least that's what my son tells me.

This is my son today--headed to his last day of school.

This is who he is...

Courage--to face each day as a believer at a time when most people are ridiculed for believing-or at the very least not included.

Strong Tower--his friends come to him when their world is crumbling, when their world no longer makes sense and when they are looking for something to anchor to against the winds of change.

Heart--at his truest self he shows his compassion for others in need with his words, filling their emotional gas tanks with something that cannot be bought.  He has learned a lesson that takes many people most of their lives--that which is important cannot be purchased.  For that lesson-he has a bond with each of his friends.

No, we don't get to have a GPS for where we are and where we are headed.  Really though, would we really want one?  This now becomes the beautiful and amazing journey into the unknown....where anything is still possible.